Well I'm in Chicago visiting my family for a few days. My mom has been sick and she wants to come back home to Georgia with me, plus she wants to see the grandkids. My family is so dysfunctional it's not even funny. All my life it's been that way. We all have our own problems and issues and ways of dealing with things. But still its just so much drama!! I have 2 sisters who are drug addicts, another who has an gambling problem and a small problem with "coke", but she says shes not an addict cause she only does it every now and again...oh please. I have a brother I hardly talk to, let alone see. I don't even know how his kids look, its been that long since I seen all of them. My one sister literally kick my mom out a few months ago and she ended up staying with a friend of the family who had 5 wild kids, that drove her crazy and some even stole from her. And now my mom is living back with the sister who throw her out? Isn't that just crazy! Coming home brings back so many memories, good and bad. I was treated like dirt all my life and I hold alot of resentment, anger and even hatred in me. I feel as though I'm the way I am because of that and how my family never really was there for me when I needed them the most. They never believed me about the teasing and bulling I suffered from in school, instead they done the same to me. They gave up on me when I was struggling with my depression and raising two kids on my own while going through so many mood swings and downfalls in my life. I was thrown out on the streets with my two kids by my sisrter after I moved in with her when my kids father left me. Because she was using me for money, my car and being a babysitter when she went on one of her binges and I put my foot down and she in return throw us out. I ended up living in a motel for 3 1/2 months paying $60.00 a night, eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. Plus I had to deal with my brother-in-law who was my babysitter, who also had a drug addition and would steal from me and even take my car and not come back in time for me to get to work on time. I ended up losing my job and almost ended up living in my car. That's how I ended up moving to Georgia and when I decided to change my life around. Which I have, but I still struggle with the bouts of depression, feelings of being worthless, having no money and everyone looking at me as living in proverty, which I guess I am. I never wanted this for me, let alone my kids and I can't get out and its tearing me apart, both mentally and emotionally. There is so much more God I just want to SCREAM!! I want to vent it all out, open up old wounds and ask why? Why was I treated so bad, why I'm I the one suffering so bad when I changed my life around? WHY!!!! But I can't, because I feel it's me against the world. Plus why open old wounds ....right? I'm sure my family would really disown me, if I said how I really feel about things, especially our childhoods. That is why I wish Dr. Phil would talk to me and tell me what I need to do. No one understands, people here say go see your doctor and talk about being bi-polar, but I have and she has done nothing and medicaid don't cover going to see a psychiatrist. And it's more then just the depression, I have deep regression in me from my past and it's all bottled up inside me. Plus I have no car to go and no money to pay to see a psychiatrist. Believe me if I did I would be seeing one, I know I need to see one. I even think to myself that maybe I have adult ADD because of my inability to control my anger and the racing thoughts going through my head and the horrible mood swings. I can't talk to no one, especially my doctor, because she just don't understand or she would say it's "Anxiety" and just put me on the back burner and take care of others who have the money to pay. Like I said before, I told my doctor how I felt and she said it's anxiety. I was going to see her on a regular basis but now I only go for basic treatment for illness because I get so discouraged by this because I feel I'm treated this way because I'm on walfare and I'm last on the totem pole. I feel like no one is realy concerned about my well being, so why should I? I can't get help, can't afford it, don't want to see a quack who would say I'm an unfit mom and take my kids away or a quack who says its all in my head and get over it and cover it up as being "anxiety" and my heart palpatations are from caffine. I stopped the amount of caffine I used to drink, stopped smoking, but still it has not helped. I'm still stressed out and overwhelmed. That is why I need Dr. Phil, but I know that's impossible. I sent him several letters and still nothing. I just don't deserve to get the treatment I need to get better, I never have so why start now. Thanks for letting me vent once again.
Patti
