Hi my name is Carey,
Last August, I started my Senior year in High School. I developed an attraction to a boy whom I had known the previous year. He was a very sweet, loving boy who was always a pleasure to be around and have fun with. My parents didn't agree to my attraction to him because he's a year younger than me, but I went forward with my feelings and started dating him a few weeks after school started. Things were going fine at first; we were both very happy. But about a month into our relationship, I began noticing my boyfriend's strange mood changes. He came to school one day with cuts all over his arms and wrists. When I asked him what had happened, he calmly informed me that he had tried to kill himself because of an argument he had with his parents. This shocked me. I knew then that I should try to get out of the relationship, but when I did he threatened suicide....so I was trapped. Things got worse from then on.
As our relationship matured, so did his violence and verbal abuse to me. We would be walking down the halls of our school, and he would throw himself against the lockers or punch them if I said something he didn't like. He would get EXTREMELY jealous if he saw me talking to another guy. After school one day, during cross-country practice, my boyfriend pulled his car over on the sidewalk and started screaming at me, calling me a 'bitch' and a 'whore' because I had talked to one of my guy-friends. There was one incident where I hugged a guy whom I had known for years and hadn't seen in awhile, and my boyfriend completely freaked out. He refused to go to class and followed me into the art-room, where my next class was. He found a pair of scissors and sliced his wrists, infront of all my friends, and drank his own blood. The school police officer took him to the office and he was suspended for a few days.
During this time, I noticed how strange our conversations were becoming. He would frequently express how handsome and wonderful he was; how much stronger and better he was than everybody else, and sometimes even make sexists remarks. He did a LOT of weight-lifting, feeling as if he needed to be bigger and better than anybody around him. A few minutes later he would drastically change a say how worthless he was and how he didn't want to live anymore....and would start crying and beg me not to leave him. This pattern of conversation became the norm. I only made things worse, because I would backlash at his comments. Sometimes he called me terrible names in his manic state, to the point where I would start crying. My tears usually triggered his depressive state. At times, he told me that he felt Satan's presence and seemed extremely frightened. He also expressed worries of demons or nightmares he'd have concerning the devil. Feeling 'presences' is a symptom of bi-polar disorder. Also, I think a trigger for his 'episodes' was alcohol consumption. He would drink to a state of extreme drunkeness every weekend, if not every night.
Eventually he was expelled from school because he had grabbed my hair and pushed me into a wall. All of this was because I was talking to my best friend, who happens to be a guy. It was around this time that he finally told me he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder...I think phase II. His mom also suffers from the disorder.
My boyfriend made a suicide attempt after I went to a party he forbade me to go to. I was furious with him because he had called the cops and broke up the party, which was at a college. He got my friends into a lot of trouble, not to mention myself. I told him to 'stay out of my life' and that I 'hated him' and 'wished I'd never met him'. After I told him these things, he overdosed on any drugs he found at his house. His parents found him passed out on the bathroom floor. His dad rushed him to the hospital to try to save his life. His mom contacted me through IM and told me what had happened. I called her to verify his situation. I cannot describe to you how distrought I was. I ran crying to my mom and dad, who knew little about our relationship. They promised me that they would call all the hospitals around the area to find out how he was doing. The following day at school, I was a zombie. I didn't know if he was alive or dead. I didn't sleep the night before; I hadn't eaten. I constantly cried. I felt like it was all my fault this had happened to him. Not to mention, his mom had blamed this incident on me and vowed never to forgive me if he died. Luckily, he returned home that day; the doctors were finally able to pump the medicines out of his body. He was at one point declared legally dead, but they were able to rescitate him.
Needless to say, I was in constant fear of him. I wanted out of the relationship so badly, but I feared it because I knew he would threaten suicide. I struggled under the weight of all the stress he had given me. I began cutting myself; ripping out my hair; not eating or sleeping; basically I had went into an extreme depression. I lost my job as a car-hop. All of my friends left me. At one point I tried to run away from home. I had made up my mind that if I didn't get away from all this, I would kill myself. My parents finally sent me to a threapist, and by going to the sessions I was able to get help. I had a new self-esteem; it gave me courage to stand up to my boyfriend. I learned that whatever he did, it was not my fault, and he had no right to blame it on me. He sensed that I was slipping away from him. He quit drinking and smoking; he promised me that he would change. Despite his efforts, he couldn't change. His disorder did not allow him to. However, he refused to take his medicine or try to seek help for it. He tried to change on his own and he failed.
I really do wish to continue our relationship, but I know that it is not possible. I wish with all my heart that he could turn back into the sweet, loving boy he used to be, but there is no way that will happen. I feel as if my presence is triggering his episodes and making his disorder worse. I think it's best if we seperated. He however does not feel the same way. He thinks that I am actually helping him deal with his disorder. Honestly, I don't know HOW to deal with his disorder. I'm starting college soon, and I can't deal with the stress of both him and college life. Plus, my parents are absolutely against our relationship. This is devestating for me, because I still care very much about him, but I know I must end it. The only problem is, how do I end our relationship without him killing himself? Or is there anyway that we could work through these problems and have a happy, healthy relationship? Please, if anybody could, give me a little hope.
