I always re-read my writings only to discover that I might be misunderstood. I certainly hope not. I have learned the hard way about raising children. I tried to "protect" the two youngest (19 and 20). It backfired on me. Simply put...I'm not stupid...I didn't want to die. I knew they could hurt me..possibly kill me.
I was heartbroken when my father told me I was to give up my first born. My second born was probably intentional...looking back. I wasn't giving him up! With that attitude, I was forced to admit him to a local state hospital when he tried to poison the kittens with a syringe and cooking oil. I thought I was going to die...letting him go. We were separated for two weeks and he was properly diagnosed. Then began the long journey of healing and letting go. I am so extremely lucky we found a doctor who stuck with him and taught him how to be social and how to control his deamons. God bless him. It wouldn't have happened, if I wouldn't have been forced to let him go. He is a high functioning Schizophrenic today and has risen from a sacker at the local grocery store...to a cashier at K-Mart. I'm so proud of him.
I swore the latter two children would be raised differently. Little did I know, bipolar would win the "parental" game. I only saw what was happening, after it happened.
I love all the boys dearly but am so grateful I was bullied into separating my parental illness from them.
I wanted to mention about your new little puppy. I had a puppy named Sponge. The illness at times, forced me to ignore her. She died after 8 years and didn't even cry. I do now. Someone bought me a little dog and I named him Jack. Jack died a week ago. I feel I neglected both of them even though I couldn't have helped them at the time. My lack of providing income at this time, prevented me from taking Jack to the vet. He may have had heart worms. I just have to quit thinking of fulfilling my own needs so often. The act of this selfishness always hurts another and only makes me cry (not suffer).
I can no longer impose pain on another animal or child by my selfishness. Humility is God's grace given to me. Thank God I can feel something.
I hope this board does not turn out to be a pitty pot for bipolar. I really do want to learn ways to recognize problem behaviors...not to encourage them.
Doesn't anyone listen to Dr. Phil? How is keeping our children prisoners, helping them? This is a serious question I am asking. I am not trying to hurt anyone or make anyone angry. I try to listen to Dr. Phil explain that the children always come first. If I can't take care of them and their needs; I will find someone who can. I have never given up any of my children...except for the first. I just reached out. My prayers were answered.
New things happen every day. I am grateful to those who have been there when I needed them and when my children needed them. Every day is a new day.
Bipolar cannot be conquered but a person with bipolar can learn new ways to react to social stimuli...including our children. I hope someone is with me in my desire to learn from his board and not to continue expressing my own selfish desires and weaknesses.
Another day has passed. My bipolar has not gotten any better; but my attitude against it has. I refuse to let it dictate my children's future; as it has ruined my past.
I see; with a little humor; my mania raging. I can always look back at my writing and discover, that if I have written more than 4 paragraphs...I am in a state of mania. Best go now, before I think of something else! Ha.
