Topic : Bipolar Disorder

I just posted a repley to "Moons Bay" before this one.  I quit often do things backwards.  I asume it's the Bi-polar.  The posting "Moons Bay" made me suddenly want to speek.  I want to live, but there is a pull to die.  I never looked at it that way.  I have been reading this board for about 2 years. I have never resonded, although I wanted to.  I have been Bi-polar since about the age of 12.  At that time they did't know there was such a thing as Bi-polar I, never mind a Bi-polar II.  I am now 57.   Growing up I knew that there was somthing wrong, but I didn't know what. I went undiagnosed untill I was about 35.   Even at the age of 35 they didn't know that there was two Bi-polars.  I have run the gamit with doctors and meds.  I'm doing alright now though.  I struggled with my secret for many years.  My aunt had schizophrenia, and I saw only too well how you were treated with a mentall illness.  Most of my family don't understand and have been very cruel.  The sorry truth is that it hasen't changed that much.  The cruel stigma is still out there. I have a 36 year old son who hates me because I gave it to him. He doesn't speek to me.  As far as he is concerned I should not have been aloud to have children. So I mostly keep to myself.  Maybe here I won't be so lonley.

 

Froglegs 1

I'm so happy you joined us.  It makes me wonder how many other people are out there reading without posting.  Come out come out wherever you are.  :)

 

I am so sorry your son hates you.  That must be very painful.  I too had a son with bipolar, but unfortunately he has passed away.  I know that lonely feeling too well.

 

Hmmm...I'm not very chatty tonight, but I wanted to welcome you to the board.  Post often.  :)

 

The NAMI website is www.nami.org  The website has a way for you to find a local chapter of NAMI in your town, or nearby.  There should be a contact name, so you can contact somebody from the local chapter and get their suggestions on how to find a new doctor.  I'll take a look at the website and see...it's been awhile since I've visited there...

 

Becky

OK  I went to www.nami.org  If you click on "find support' it will take you to a US map.  Click on your state on the map.  It will then list all of the chapters in your state, with local phone numbers to contact.  Check it out...there are 11 major cities in Colorado with chapters of NAMI.  The website says that if you don't see your city listed, call the state office, and they can direct you to the closest chapter.  The Colorado state chapter of NAMI is 1-888-566-6264.

 

Just tell them that you are having trouble finding a pdoc who is taking new patients...they might be able to pull some strings for you...or at least have a list of who IS taking new patients...they also have local support groups...including one for bipolar disorder...I've never been to one of our local support group meetings...the time isn't convenient for me...but if I could, I'd go...

 

Becky

I went to www.nami.org to check it out...they have changed their website since the last time I was there...it is much easier to navigate now.

 

On the home page, click on "find support".  It will bring up a US map.  Just click on Colorado, and it will bring up the chapters in the major cities of Colorado...there are 11.  It says that if your town isnt' listed on the website, contact the state chapter, and they can direct you to the chapter closest to your home.  The Colorado state NAMI chapter number is 1-888-566-6264.

 

Just tell them that you are new to Colorado, and that you are having trouble finding a pdoc who is taking new patients...maybe they can pull a few strings to get you in somewhere...or at least they might have a list of who IS taking new patients...good luck...let me know how it goes...

 

I'm falling asleep as I type...time for bed...Becky

Hi, I just found this thing, and wanted to say hello. I am concerned about your pull to die.  I am 51, but wasn't diagnosed until I was 42. I know that the depression part of bipolar can be like trying to run under the deepest, darkest part of the ocean, but remember that even that black part eventually churns its way to the surface. Do u have a therapist? If not, maybe you should see about finding someone to talk to. It really does help along with the meds.  

Does anyone out there know why all psychosis revolves around religion? Mine did,and I have a brother who is schizophrenic. Also, whenever I've been in the hospital anyone  experiencing a psychosis it's alway centered around religion. Always been curious about that.

Not feeling like I'm making alot of sense right now so will sign off for now.

Hoping soft memories for all of you today so that tomorrow you can look back on something today and smile.

bipolarbear

 

I haven't been here for such a long time that I am almost uncomfortable saying anything.  I just recently got out of the hospital for cutting and it has been such a journey.  I'm not sure what to say so maybe I will try to expess how I feel with a poem.

 

 

I FEEL TRAPPED IN MY MIND

WITH NO WHERE TO GO

SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING MOVES SO FAST

AND I MOVE SO SLOW

MY HANDS SHAKE

AS I LOOK FOR A PLACE TO GO

WHERE I WILL END UP

NO ONE KNOWS

FILLED WITH ANXIETY

SADDNESS, STRESS, AND FEAR

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM AT

AND NO ONE KNOWS THAT I AM HERE

I SEARCH FOR ANSWERS

THAT CAN'T SEEM TO BE FOUND

I AM ALONE AND HELPLESS

WITH NO ONE AROUND

I AM CRYING OUT TO ANYONE

I WISH SOMEONE COULD READ MY MIND

BUT THAT IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE

MY SOUL I CAN'T EVEN FIND

I AM SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE

FROM MINUTE TO MINUTE

FROM DAY TO NIGHT

THIS DISORDER IS SUCH A STRUGGLE

SUCH AN EVERYDAY FIGHT

MY MIND IS TIRED

MY BODY IS WEAK

I AM A HOT AIR BALOON

THAT HAS A HOT AIR LEAK

I AM SLIPPING AWAY SOFTLY

NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO GET ME BACK

I AM SCARED AND FRIGHTENED

KNOWING IT IS STRENGTH THAT I LACK

IF YOU FEEL THE SAME

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

I AM THERE WITH YOU

FROM THE FLESH TO THE BONE

I LEAVE THESE WORDS

AS A GUIDE TO MY HEART

DON'T KNOW WHY I AM ENDING THIS

DON'T KNOW WHY I STARTED

 

Hello is there anyone else on this board?  I am feeling very alone and isolted.  I would love to hear from anyone but I guess that that is not the case.  I'm sorry if I have caused anyone to feel uncomfortable that is not my intention.  Please take a second and read what I wrote and give me your thoughts.  All love and consideration to all of you!!!!!!!

Sorry you are feeling so alone and isolated.  I know that feeling too.  I doubt you make anyone uncomfortable.  Certainly not me at least cuz I so enjoy your poems.  You hit the nail right on the head.  I envy you for being able to put your feelings in words like that.  You might want to put it in a notebook and save them.  I hope you keep sharing them with us. 

 

I used to cut myself too.  I've still got scars all over my arms and legs from using a razor blade.  At the time I was doing that, it was a relief from the pain I felt inside.  If there was a physical pain then I wouldn't feel the emotional pain for a while at least.  I was so lost inside.  Today, after years of trying to find the right med combo and lots of therapy, I rarely feel quite so lost.  There are still days and even weeks that I do slip but at least now I know what to do about it before hurting myself like that anymore.  I hope you too, find peace. 

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and please keep writing.

 

Susan