Quote From: upsflyin...from a hideous truama. It "sounds like" you prefer to avoid therapy, but talking is good, and one finds oneself within the therapeutic process.
There are many new posts today mentioning guilt, and an aversion to yesterday's show for a myriad of reasons, or unknown sources of stress. I, too, experienced an growing sense of grief during the show I watched, and I did not complete watching the entire segment. For one reason, I am not comfortable with non-professionals baiting these blokes who know darn well what they are after, and in too many cases non-professional interviews of these perps are thrown out of court.
At the same time, I know we're in a new world, but frankly nothing has changed among homo sapiens as a lousy group of the earth's inhabitants. Not even the Internet. I've been on it since the mid-1980s and never once encountered a "off-color" site, or worse, and parents must realize they are giving their chilren a vehicle to drive cross-country without enough gas, in essence. Thus, they must not permit juveniles to use the Internet--period. We still have online libraries with great firewalls in the schools, and I achieved graduate education w/o the Internet.
For those who fear being abusive parents, they may contact Family Outreach...an organization I started the Needs Assessement for in the mid 1980s and its now nationwide. If not in every city, the municipality should be ashamed of itself for not supporting FO. Its mandate is to work with parents in their homes, help send children to summer camps, etc. and teach parenting skills and help parents go on to seek more education, etc.
Guilt is not a static emotion if one is a survivor of child abuse. It takes all forms, and comes up and knocks one flat without notice at times. There is always more to deal with in therapy, even though we start it and think 8-10 years will be the end of it all...then something seeps out but by then there is more preparation to deal with it, until returning to a therapeutic mode. Believe me, I had no idea that yesterday's show was going to hit me so hard, and take off in a different direction requiring my complete attention to my own feelings, but it did.
I am relieved to have now integrated the full impact my parents had on me and...the reasons I didn't tell the whole story (other than the Detroit Police ignoring my wounds and nearly leading me into death). Children are born trusting their parents, and even when assaulted over and over again, they still seek that protection and care. Its inate and when they rape, beat, whip, kick, bang our heads against the floor, or put us in "bull pens" to whip, they are also telling us how bad we are and that we deserve whatever they are dealing out to us...but if its rape, its usually because "Mommy isn't well, so be quiet so you don't upset her," all of this builds a gigantic mountain of guilt in the victim, ala Patty Hurst, we become one with our abusers without realizing it, hence, we do not tell. Besides, if we tell, we are the bad ones, and deserve what happens to us, afterall they are our authority figures.
Even when I did reach out and tell the police, it did no good, it just made my life Hell for over an hour. I once witnessed my mother hit two girls riding their two-wheelers on the curbside of a road going out to Ferndale, Mi....in a rage because I was using a GM Infant Seat in HER car, and I was sitting in the back with my infant. She was enraged yelling I had no gratitude for how she raised me, "without those seat things," and was speeding faster and faster, as I prayed for the police to see her...but it was too late. Had I tried to force her to pull over, I knew my baby was in danger, and all I could do was look back and see those young girls lying in the street. No, I wasn't a kid, I was 27, and she went on babbling Bible verses for the next twenty minutes, until she picked up my father--who continued the tirade because I'd "made your mother upset, again." I was always the one to blame for the violence and terror. And, they were ever so charming, few would guess they were Bonnie and Clyde in our home. But, that is how guilt begins, and its not so easily resolved.
No child grows up wanting to think they caused their parents abuse, but even after I was told at 17 that my mother had schizophrenia, and never went back, I had to go through college hiding from them, and listening to outlandish lies they would call the university PRESIDENT no less to tell about me...the "evil person who was obstreperous from birth." Yet my little brother was tied spread-eagled in his crib to cry for hours and hours, and my little sister was mine to raise, until I left home. Then in her preteens my mother started her on oral Flagyl, which causes blood dyscrasias if taken over ten days...by the time she reached my home at 17, she'd been on it for four years thanks to the local pharmacist, and yes, she died at 25 from uterine and cervical cancer, leaving young children. That is MURDER, my friend. My mother wanted none of us.
The Courts better wake up and stop spending money on internet surveillance and help those of us who already know who the abusers are, regardless of time limits. There is no time limit for murder, or rape (in most states), so let's get this on the dockets and force the States to prosecute perps, parents or strangers who are known by their victims, and analysts/doctors, etc.
So, there is no way I believe that such torture may be overcome without professional help, at least not in my case. I know much more about my reactions and actions, feelings, and fears than ever before. Initially, that doesn't help until I realize my reaction may be from "then, not now" so I can withdraw and let things lie until I figure out what is going on. It definitely gives one the courage to care for oneself, indeed, I'd "divorce" any member of my family who was abusive towards me, and be open about it...including my children. There are no golden bonds in my life any more except for that gold thread that connects me to life and this existence. In closing, your comment "You are the one that must change you and your thought processes to become more than you ever dreamt you could be," is not accurate. I couldn't have survived had I not realized I was better than my abusers, and the therapeutic process does not force one to go it alone. Try it, you may like it.
Upsflyin :
I am amazed you drew this particular conclusion from something so minimal of an account of my life and who I am. I am truly saddened you came to the conclusion I feel therapy is "something to be avoided".
I think and feel The very point of therapy is to learn to do it for your self to your self, apply it every moment of every day in every situation so that you become your own best therapist to solve your own problems rather than relying on someone else to help you figure it out all the time. I've learned to trust my reality, and value others though not to the exclusion of my own. This is certainly not to say I have no use for therapists, they have thier place at all times. But not every waking moment of my life belongs to them any more. I'm certain you have your own path with them and without them; your business not mine. I believe in counsel when it is needed and advice, confidents, and people willing to tell me the unvarnished truth at all times. I expect this of my self.
Thanks to years of intense work with several different therapists, and several types of therapy, I learned how to be my own best friend, and rarely need to pay someone to help me figure out where I stand or what I need, or how to solve my issues. I do not feel the need to explain why I feel as I do only that what I say is born of experience from my own perception of experience. I expect that to be respected.
I am truly saddened you could not take a supportive message meant for someone else as simply that, instead feeling you had to comment upon my words. Your support was given in your own unique view and style. I can honor that. Your remarks didn't appear to honor mine, nor does the asumption of my unwritten views on therapy.
I understand this is a Messageboard of support. A trickey thing it is to give support, it can sound like advice or presumption. My intent is to be clear and give support. I'd appreciate it if you would cease to quote me to others and desist assuming anything about me or my views. Simply ask me where I stand, or don't.
I certainly relate to some of what you have lived thru and honor your personal experiences. You have lived a lot and worked thru many issues. I hear much anger in some of your writings. For the pain behind that anger I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of this nor to continue living thru it. I'm glad you have found ways to heal and received help from professionals that made a difference in your path thru life. I pray it gives you the real quality in life you deserve, that joy is yours. It appears to me, given your history here and your education and obvious learned opinions on many subjects, that your life is already more than you dreamt it would be and you became more than you ever thought you would. I applaud you! I am glad you survived. I hope that extends itself to thriving, at least it sounds like you might be.
