Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

   I finally got someone to listen to me and they came to my school and interviewed me and took me to a shelter, I was 17 almost 18. After court and everything they were going to make me go back home because my mom had convinced them that I was making things worse than they really were, and that she would protect me.

   I told them I wouldn't go back home so my mom made arrangements for me to go live with one of her brothers. He was a psychologist so they thought that would be suitable. Kind of ironic because a few years after that he was accused of molesting and sexually abusing his patients. 

   It wasn't until I had been married and had a daughter of my own that I told her she couldn't be a part of my life, if she couldn't acknowledge how she had allowed things to happen to me she couldn't be a part of my life or my daughters. My daughter is 18 now and she never new my mother. She did show up at my house one day telling my daughter and other children that I wasn't living a lie because I had pictures and sayings about families and how important they are. My 18 year old was like get away from me. Haven't seen her since, I probably wouldn't go to her funeral either, Is that bad of me!

Whats with the parents who think they are gonna be able to sway their grandchildren after not seeing them for the first 18 years of their life?  She just shows up unannounced doggin on your childrens mother thinking she will have some effect?  I cant decide if that would infuraite me or have me rolling on the floor.  Prolly a bit of both. 

I dont think its bad of you at all to not desire to attend her funeral.  Why should you go to something like that and have to pretend?   I could be wrong though and maybe it would be a good thing for you.  But for me, pretending is a long gone thing of the past.  I pretended for years and years.  Decades even. Refuse to do that anymore.  If im angry, you know.  Happy, you know.  Want nothing to do with you, you know in no uncertain terms.  If I try to pretend with people now, I get sick.  Which I find a bit ironic cus I used to be the grand master at playing the pretend game.  Everyone thought I was just a sweet lil innocent happy child.  Had that act down.  Course, no one was paying much attention, so...  Anyhows, I dont think its bad  at all  to have no desire to attend that womens funeral.    I hope you are not beating yourself up over that! 

OREO, even!  lol  Cant edit title headers but im pretty sure you will know who this is addressed to.  ;)

Im SO PROUD of you for even picking up the phone to tell your dad everything!  Truley Oreo, just SO PROUD!   Good for you!  I think your idea of writing a letter is a very good one.  That way you can say everything the way you want and can send it on the sly.  Or if you prefer to speak to him you can just wait for everyone to leave and then make the call.   I cant help but wonder what your mother and step father are thinking?  That they can keep you locked up and never enter the world or what?   The more you post of what goes on at your house the angrier I become.    I do so hope you speak with your father as you intended.  One way or the other Oreo, you need to clue him in.  The way those people are trying to keep you chained in their house under their thumbs is getting scarier and scarier.  When do you turn 18, honey? 

So, did you go out with 22 year old?  I need a name for him cant keep calling him 22 year old.  tehe  You have been given good advice about that whole thing.  Here is some more from another mom.  You know, we must do our whole mom thing of giving advice.  Hope you dont mind too much!    I would say take it slow.  There is no need to rush into things.  Is always best to let a friendship build.  The whole first romantic love stuff is way fun but it always dies down and turns into a friendship.  Build the friendship first and you are good to go.  Also, if you do have sex, please use protection!  Births control pills PLUS condoms!  Now, just so you know, this is what I tell my own children so im not trying to step on your private life.  Its just that in this day and age bashfulness flies out the window because of all the diseases out there.  Used to be pregnancy was the biggest concern.  But now you could die from diseases so there is no room for puritanical shyness.  I say the same things to all the kids round here.  Condoms and birth control pills.  Go get some!  LOL  Seems in my neck of the woods the kids are a lot less sexually active then they were at my age.  Even the way they "date" is different then what I used to do.  Course, I was raised in Southern California and now im out in the  farmlands in Western New York.  Maybe logistics change things?  Wouldnt think so but out here the kids are different.  Perhaps its just this area though.

Anyhows... got off on a tangent there.  Would like to hear about what happened and what you decided to do.  I sure hope you didnt get into any trouble over it!  Seems like your mother and step father are just looking for any lil thing to come down on you for.  Im so sorry about it all!  Hoping you are able to get hold of your father and fill him in so you are can get away from the situation you are in now. 

Again, SO PROUD of you for having the courage to pick up the phone!   That took alot of guts, Oreo!  YAY for you!  :D

I have been reading the new format posts and cant help but giggle.  ;)  I guess im just happy im not the only one whos having problems.  Though, losing posts in the middle of typing them would have me quite annoyed!  I never heard of that before.  Is that intentional too?  Did they add a 20 minute rule or is it just a glitch?  I certainly hope we dont have to type things out in word and then paste 'em.  That would be a pain, as bzbluii(golfallday) said.  Speaking of bzbluii/golfallday, what user name you prefer I use?  And what does bzbluii stand for?  How did you come up with that?  Golfallday was prettey easy to figure(speaks for itself if you ask me) but ive been racking my brain trying to figure out your new user name and keep coming up blank. 

Its good to see some more posts from Mussymel!  Even though I was giggling I am sorry youre having so much trouble with the new format.  About the only thing I can say positive about it is I like the faces(this lil naughty one is fun) I did like the font colors until I realized(only took 3 days  HAHA) that it was the problem for my lack of paragraphs,(though they did said they were gonna work on it  that so thats good) and being able to read the responses along with the original posts is pretty good.  Sorta like when you mail and you scroll down to read the orignal mail.  Im finding that a bit easier to keep up with.  On this kinda board anyways.  Im not liking it very much on the show boards though.  I liked when they had it set up that you just read the titles and then clicked if you wanted to read the posts.  That saved me alot of aggrivation cus some posts I have no desire to read.  tehe  But with this new format(speaking of the showboards only) I find that its much harder to scroll through everything. 

Just thought I would add my two cents in on the new format.  Oh!  One last thing.  It would be nice if you fixed the title headers so we are able to edit those too.  Thanks!

Good to see you back and posting Mussymel!  :)

  Thank you for responding.  You know in my heart I know that it is OK that I don't go to the funeral when she does die, but most people are shocked if I say that, so I just don't mention it.  Almost all teenagers will not like their parents and will be angry with them. As they get older and have kids of their own they grow to appreciate their parents or almost at least their mother. So it is just something I keep to myself.

   Pretending is very draining, I wouldn't pretend for her anymore. She still has an affect on me so I stay away from her. When she did come to my house I couldn't tell her to get away or yell at her for everything she ever did to me. I just went on like everything was normal and that makes me mad. My husband wasn't home or she wouldn't have even made it out of the car ha ha!

   I think it was mentioned on the other boards about how we pretend or fake a lot, like how you can be abused and then you just sit at the dinner table and have dinner with the family like everything is normal. My first really good therapist said that was one of the hardest things for her to understand. That is just how we learn to cope. Do the best we can in a bad situation.

Hey Momisme, It's ok that you got my name wrong. lol.... I noticed that when I misspell a word in the message title thing, that I can't use the backspace key, so I use the arrows and push the delete key.... that's what works for me anyway.

Thanks for being proud of me, I was so nervous when I was decided to call him, my hands were shaking and everything. So even though my step dad stopped me, I'm not too disappointed because I'm starting to wonder if I would have been able to even say what I needed to my dad anyway.... so yeah... I'm working on the letter, which I found to be even harder to do.... trying to write down everything makes me scared plus I keep the letter out in the barn because they snoop through my room. No privacy for me at all around here. I'm thinking about just keeping the letter short and to the point..... but my dad is like... an emotional guy kinda, and I was thinking that maybe he would be too hurt to hear it like that. Anyways, as for my mom and step dad keeping me locked up and never entering the world.... well... umm... I guess they do think that way in a sense. I know that if it was up to my step dad I'd probably be locked away in the basement, never seeing the light of day, cut off from the world, alone, in the dark, enslaved. So, considering, I guess I shouldn't complain too much you know. Oh yeah, I turn 18 in Dec.

Anyway, the 22 yr old guy I'm talking to, his name is Ryan. We didn't go out last night. Basically I called him and told him that I couldn't go. He was kinda disappointed. He wanted to know why and not just why not tonight but why not like ever. He's asked me before and I told him no. He wasn't like upset like mad or anything he just kept asking alot of questions about stuff. So, I told him that I would go out with him tonight.... Anyways, condoms? birth control?... umm... I don't think I need them, it's not like we'd do anything you know. But I do get your point. L8ter.

Oreo

Hey, I like the little faces too, about the only good thing.  No the 20 minute rule is real not a glitch.  And to edit your title, highlight and delete, that worked for me.  Ok, I am hurrying fast to get this in, I might be close to the end.  LOL  You can still call me golfallday if you want, that is easier I am sure.  I can't believe I stumped you on my user name, giggle, busy blue eyes.  giggle some more. Seems easy when you see it huh?  You can call me about anything you want and I usually answer. 

I really do have to hurry; we are almost ready to leave on a little road trip for a few days.  I am reading everyone's posts and interested in joining, so I will be back soon.  You made me laugh, thanks for that.

Well done on starting to reach out to your dad. I go along with what Momisme says, I am really really proud of you. These steps are never easy to take but you are a very very brave young woman and we all want to see you out of the situation you are in.

I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying that you are messed up. I didn't really mean it that way, what I meant is that at the moment you have a lot of bad stuff going on and sometimes when you are in a situation like that you can make something look better than it is, if that makes any sense. So I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings by saying that. I actually think you sound quite grounded for someone your age and what you have said since about Ryan seems like you know what you are doing. You and your brothers deserve a chance to be happy. Ufortunatly your mother isn't helping you but hopefully your dad will. Even aside from everything else you should get the chance to know your dad.

Again well done. I think you are really strong and you will make it.

Momisme thanks for the welcome back. The problem is I live in Ireland (am I the only non States person on here?) and with the time difference I have to catchup on loads when I get on :)!! I don't think I've had the 20 minute problem but now ye have got me paranoid about it so I'm trying to do this really fast. Luckily I am a computer programmer so I can type fairly quickly (can't spell to save my life though so sorry for the typos!)

MJ (what does your name mean?) I'm really sorry about your mother, she sounds awful. I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting to be at her funeral unless it hyrts you ultimately. My mother is one of the most self obsesed people you could meet. She didn't do the awful things your mother did but she abused us in so many other ways and she set up and environment that led to my brother abusing me. I hate her more than anything but I still want a mother and that is really hard to let go of. Maybe when I have kids of my own it will be easier.

My Dad died recently and before he died I thought I was going to cut off contact with her after it was all over. But I haven't. I still ring her becuase I feel sorry for her. She is all alone and I know that is her fault but I wouldn't want to see anyone in that position. The thing is I was talking to her yesterday and she wants to come visit me and there is no way I can let her. Apart from the way she makes me feel she is horrible tomy husband and it is his house too. The thing is that I can't get up the courage to tell her she's not welcome. I don't want the fight but I also don't want to hurt her. So now I'm stressing again! Which right now I don't need. Here I am telling Oreo to be brave and I can't face my own problems.

The relationship with your mother is sooooooo important and I think it is a real problem for people when that is not how it should be. I've been trying for more than 3 years to have a baby. They can't find a physical problem and my therapist thinks its because I don't feel worthy enough to be a mother. He could be right. I still don't like the person I am so how could I be a good mother. She has effected every facet of my life and I still can't cut her out.

When she dies I am going to the funeral to dance at her grave!