Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Well done on starting to reach out to your dad. I go along with what Momisme says, I am really really proud of you. These steps are never easy to take but you are a very very brave young woman and we all want to see you out of the situation you are in.

I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying that you are messed up. I didn't really mean it that way, what I meant is that at the moment you have a lot of bad stuff going on and sometimes when you are in a situation like that you can make something look better than it is, if that makes any sense. So I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings by saying that. I actually think you sound quite grounded for someone your age and what you have said since about Ryan seems like you know what you are doing. You and your brothers deserve a chance to be happy. Ufortunatly your mother isn't helping you but hopefully your dad will. Even aside from everything else you should get the chance to know your dad.

Again well done. I think you are really strong and you will make it.

Momisme thanks for the welcome back. The problem is I live in Ireland (am I the only non States person on here?) and with the time difference I have to catchup on loads when I get on :)!! I don't think I've had the 20 minute problem but now ye have got me paranoid about it so I'm trying to do this really fast. Luckily I am a computer programmer so I can type fairly quickly (can't spell to save my life though so sorry for the typos!)

MJ (what does your name mean?) I'm really sorry about your mother, she sounds awful. I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting to be at her funeral unless it hyrts you ultimately. My mother is one of the most self obsesed people you could meet. She didn't do the awful things your mother did but she abused us in so many other ways and she set up and environment that led to my brother abusing me. I hate her more than anything but I still want a mother and that is really hard to let go of. Maybe when I have kids of my own it will be easier.

My Dad died recently and before he died I thought I was going to cut off contact with her after it was all over. But I haven't. I still ring her becuase I feel sorry for her. She is all alone and I know that is her fault but I wouldn't want to see anyone in that position. The thing is I was talking to her yesterday and she wants to come visit me and there is no way I can let her. Apart from the way she makes me feel she is horrible tomy husband and it is his house too. The thing is that I can't get up the courage to tell her she's not welcome. I don't want the fight but I also don't want to hurt her. So now I'm stressing again! Which right now I don't need. Here I am telling Oreo to be brave and I can't face my own problems.

The relationship with your mother is sooooooo important and I think it is a real problem for people when that is not how it should be. I've been trying for more than 3 years to have a baby. They can't find a physical problem and my therapist thinks its because I don't feel worthy enough to be a mother. He could be right. I still don't like the person I am so how could I be a good mother. She has effected every facet of my life and I still can't cut her out.

When she dies I am going to the funeral to dance at her grave!

   I had a hard time trying to decide what name to pick, I am not very creative that way. I could think of a lot of negative things, but I chose MJKKAS because it is and initial out of my family's names. My children are what keep me going and alive so that is how I chose it. Now I am working on being alive for me.

   I understand about feeling sorry for your mother and not wanting to hurt her feelings, what is hard is you need to start thinking what is best for you and your family. Taking charge of your life is hard to do when someone has been overbearing.

  Have you tried setting limits with her? Tell her she is welcome to visit but it is your home and if she is rude to you or your family she can leave.  You wouldn't let anyone else do that would you?  I know it sounds hard it is hard. But saying want you want and need is good not bad, and it is very healthy, and empowering.

Hey thanks Mussymel. By the way, you didn't offend me or anything by saying I was messed up. I understand what you meant. But sometimes I do feel messed up (not the way you meant it but like really messed up). Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing and I usually make alot of mistakes before I realize how to do things right. Even with Ryan..... I don't know what I'm doing but I know what I don't want to do. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing when it comes to him at least I think I am. The last guy I had a "sexual" relationship with (willingly)... well it was a HUGE mistake and definitely illegal... and it took me a while to understand that. But I'm learning, I guess.

As for my dad.... yeah I think my brothers and I should get a chance to know him, I feel like my mom kept us from him.... well she did, but that's another story. Anyway, he really wants to know the truth and I feel like I'm hurting him by not telling him the whole truth. He's willing to go through the whole legal process of taking us from our mother but I think that would be wrong... when I could easily just tell him the truth and go live with him and all..... I don't know..... Well, I gotta go. L8ter.

Oreo

   I had a hard time trying to decide what name to pick, I am not very creative that way. I could think of a lot of negative things, but I chose MJKKAS because it is and initial out of my family's names. My children are what keep me going and alive so that is how I chose it. Now I am working on being alive for me.

   I understand about feeling sorry for your mother and not wanting to hurt her feelings, what is hard is you need to start thinking what is best for you and your family. Taking charge of your life is hard to do when someone has been overbearing.

  Have you tried setting limits with her? Tell her she is welcome to visit but it is your home and if she is rude to you or your family she can leave.  You wouldn't let anyone else do that would you?  I know it sounds hard it is hard. But saying want you want and need is good not bad, and it is very healthy, and empowering.

Momisme thanks for the welcome back. The problem is I live in Ireland (am I the only non States person on here?) and with the time difference I have to catchup on loads when I get on :)!! I don't think I've had the 20 minute problem but now ye have got me paranoid about it so I'm trying to do this really fast. Luckily I am a computer programmer so I can type fairly quickly (can't spell to save my life though so sorry for the typos!)

MJ (what does your name mean?) I'm really sorry about your mother, she sounds awful. I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting to be at her funeral unless it hyrts you ultimately. My mother is one of the most self obsesed people you could meet. She didn't do the awful things your mother did but she abused us in so many other ways and she set up and environment that led to my brother abusing me. I hate her more than anything but I still want a mother and that is really hard to let go of. Maybe when I have kids of my own it will be easier.

My Dad died recently and before he died I thought I was going to cut off contact with her after it was all over. But I haven't. I still ring her becuase I feel sorry for her. She is all alone and I know that is her fault but I wouldn't want to see anyone in that position. The thing is I was talking to her yesterday and she wants to come visit me and there is no way I can let her. Apart from the way she makes me feel she is horrible tomy husband and it is his house too. The thing is that I can't get up the courage to tell her she's not welcome. I don't want the fight but I also don't want to hurt her. So now I'm stressing again! Which right now I don't need. Here I am telling Oreo to be brave and I can't face my own problems.

The relationship with your mother is sooooooo important and I think it is a real problem for people when that is not how it should be. I've been trying for more than 3 years to have a baby. They can't find a physical problem and my therapist thinks its because I don't feel worthy enough to be a mother. He could be right. I still don't like the person I am so how could I be a good mother. She has effected every facet of my life and I still can't cut her out.

When she dies I am going to the funeral to dance at her grave!

MJKKAS I think that is a lovely way to pick your name. Mussy was the nickname my dad had for me and has good feelings attached to it. Believe it or not that was already taken so Mel is from my actual name. It kind of sound like messymel as well which is how I feel alot of the time and definitely how my house looks most of the time :)!!!

Thanks for the advice but setting limits with my mother is like trying to reason with a dictator! The thing is she never believes she does anything wrong and is very very difficult to argue with. She always wins because she has conditioned the responses I give so she knows what buttons to push etc. She is a very controlling and manipulative person. The thing is she isn't welcome in my home. I finally have security and safety and I'm not letting her in here. I just don't want to have to tell her that! BIG COWARD. I have forgiven my brother for what he did but I will never be able to forgive her and I am tired of the effect she has on my life. I would really really like to get the courage to cut her out of my life completely but life is never simple is it. Someday soon it is all going to come out and then maybe the choice will be made for me.

Anyway tomorrow is another day and we've had a long weekend here so I'm back to work in the morning so I'd better go get some sleep (it's after 1am here). Catch up with you all tomorrow.