Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

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October 27, 2005, 10:41 pm PDT

how do i deal?

i was raped as a 9 year old child by the father of my parents best friend. it was years before i told anyone, and i only told when i found out that this man was also raping his granddaughters. i thought that maybe if i finally told we could stand together and bring this man to justice. my mother's exact words when i did tell her were "it never would have happened if you weren't such a little tramp". as far as i know this man never paid for his crime. now, 30 years later, my mother is a widow, and her friend (the son of my rapist) is also widowed. they are now in a relationship, and in fact are going on a cruise in a few months to scatter my dad's ashes. i hold this man also somewhat accountable, because when his own daughters were being raped by his father, he did nothing. my mother says i need to "get over it", but i dont know how. i dont want to try to pick her friends, but as long as she is in a relationship with the man who condoned my abuse, i can't let her be a part of my life or my son's life. so, how do i work through this one?

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neosmom23

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October 27, 2005, 11:04 pm PDT

I know what you are going through

Quote From: muchdenial

Hello everyone,

Let me introduce myself. I am a 31-year-old mom to a 4-year-old autistic boy and a 16-month-old daughter who is fine, thank God. I have been married for 10 years but am going through a friendly divorce, which is very weird. I'll explain that some other time. I am here looking for support from others who can relate to what I've been through and is still going through.

Here's my story. I was sexually abused by my own father from ages 6-10. I have blocked most of these memories so I don't really know exactly what happened or how often but it seemed like it was a daily ocurrence and I remember him on top of me and doing oral on him but not much else. I don't remember being in pain or bleeding or much of anything. I don't think we had sexual intercourse, but am not really sure. I just remember him always finishing off by saying it was our little secret and couldn't tell anyone. I'm sure you can all relate and apologize if this makes some of you feel uncomfortable but I am really trying to get real. I just realized today just how much in denial I have been these years. My life has just been a facade it seems. I don't know who I am really.

I thought I had dealt with this back when I was 17, when I told my high school counselor what happened after she confronted me about my slipping grades and excessive absences. The pain was so fresh in my mind at that time that it was very easy to blurt it out. My senior year was one crazy year. I was in a foster home for a month awaiting for my best friend's mom to get custody of me. I then moved with my best friend and her mom to New Jersey for 2 months but I was so depressed that I returned to Miami because I missed my brother, friends, and co-workers terribly. I loved my job at a supermarket and wanted to get back to that, and I did. I went back and moved in with a roommate and lived with her for 3 months or so and then eventually moved back in with my parents. That whole time in my life is such a blurr. Anyway, I had read countless self-help help books and wrote a lot of poetry and faced my pain by bringing all this stuff out and got angry with my father, so much so, that I could've killed him if I knew I could get away with it. When I went back home I treated my parents like crap and became the queen of the house by getting the master bedroom and not having any more curfews or anything. I did whatever I pleased which was very liberating because before that I couldn't even talk on the phone. They were very strict because I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I left that too when I totally rebelled from everything at 17 and never looked back.

I thought I had put that behind me and that I forgave my parents. My dad for the actual abuse and my mom for not doing anything about it. I love my parents very much and they come up to Orlando where I live now to see me and the kids on a monthly basis and talk to them most every day. They always make me laugh and the grandkids bring them so much joy. They can't stop talking about them. Anyway, they are an integral part of my life now and I like it that way. The problem is that it is all a facade. I pretend everything is just fine and dandy when it really is not.

I started seeing a therapist about two months ago when my husband decided he wanted a divorce and I was ripped to shreds. I went to her for depression and because my husband pushed me to go. The first time I saw her I told her about my dad but said that I was totally over that, which I really did believe at the time. Today, about two months later, I finally shed a tear and got into the subject of the sexual abuse from my father. I told her that I did not want to hurt their feelings and that I don't want to think of my father as a monster, which she insisted he is because he is a paedophile and that my daughter is at risk. I told her that I think it is even harder to recover from abuse from your own father because it is very hard to villify him.

Gosh, I'm so drained from writing all this and apologize for the extremely long entry but I am really trying to face this and get over it because I really haven't. Is there a book that might help me through this. An hour a week with a therapist is not going to cut it. I know I have a lot of work to do and I am ready.

I know what you are going through. I dont know of any books but I do know you have to take it one step at a time. Understand you are not a victom anymore you are a survivor. Sometimes you just have to let out a cry and you will feel better. Just remember to take baby steps keep an extra eye on your children. Always follow your gut. Telling your story like you did is also theraputic, well at least when I tell mine it for me. You will be ok you are a women and we are stronger then people give us credit for. Stay positive you will get through this bump in the road.

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 6:27 am PDT

tazlover

Quote From: tazlover66

I have never done anything like this before. I was sexually and physically abused by my brother when I was young. however, he was not my only abuser. I do not share this very often. I have been to two different therapists and they have not helped. There are days that I am ok and then there are days like today that make me so sad that I can not stop crying. How can it still control so much of my life still today. 25+ years later and still can not let it go. There are times that I wish that I would die! At least the pain would go away. How do you forgive and get the control back? I am afraid that I will never be able to get over this. My husband does not understand. My best friend tries but she does not truley get it. my mom acts like it never happened. I want to let go so bad but I am so scared.

Welcome to the CSA board family!

You know I have had a couple of bad

therapist myself, and it really can be

discouraging. I have also had a couple

of real nice and helpful ones, so maybe

don't give up on that, cuz it can really

help out. You can't heal alone is what

Dr. Phil says, we need professional help.

The questions you are asking are the very

same question I asked my first "good"

therapist, and she told me that it would get

easier and that I wouldn't think about it so

much all the time. To be honest I was kinda

upset at that because I wanted it gone!

Well that was 20 + yrs ago and she is right.

I did get to where it isn't all the time, I still

struggle at times and I won't lie, lately when I

get that way it is really hard to handle with the

flashbacks and memories, crying. Bu it doesn't

last very long and I can get out of it.

There is a good book The Courage to Heal by

Laura Davis, it really is a good book and it has so

many things in there to help in times of crisis

and it is just comforting to know that someone

really does GET IT. Buy that book! You can take your time

with it and don't start at the beginning if you don't

want to look through it and pick parts you want

or need to look through. It's great.

Forgiving and getting over it or letting go, well.

That comes with time and don't worry about that stuff

right now, you need to heal before you can start

to forgive. I thought that I would go to hell if I didn't

forgive so I was pressuring myself and that made it

harder on me. It will come when you are ready, I

promise. Getting over it, well that right there just

sets me off because I didn't choose this and I don't

want it but it is mine and I don't choose to feel this

way. And if I could get over it I would, believe me!

We learn to get through it and deal with it, it is part of us.

We here understand what you are going through and

others that have not gone through this can never

really understand or get it. So try talking to people that

do understand, that helps so you don't feel so alone.

In that book I suggested there is a section for partners.

It has been helpful for some that I have talked with, so try

to get him to read it, my hus never did, but well you

can't have it all I guess. He does try to understand, really

tries hard, but he just won't read anything I give him.

Sorry this is so long I hope it helps some, and please

feel free to vent here, they have diaries here also if you

want to utilize those. I have a problem righting in diaries,

but alot of people here use them, there are private for

just you or share where anyone can look.

Take care!

mj

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 6:57 am PDT

muchdenial

Quote From: muchdenial

Hello everyone,

Let me introduce myself. I am a 31-year-old mom to a 4-year-old autistic boy and a 16-month-old daughter who is fine, thank God. I have been married for 10 years but am going through a friendly divorce, which is very weird. I'll explain that some other time. I am here looking for support from others who can relate to what I've been through and is still going through.

Here's my story. I was sexually abused by my own father from ages 6-10. I have blocked most of these memories so I don't really know exactly what happened or how often but it seemed like it was a daily ocurrence and I remember him on top of me and doing oral on him but not much else. I don't remember being in pain or bleeding or much of anything. I don't think we had sexual intercourse, but am not really sure. I just remember him always finishing off by saying it was our little secret and couldn't tell anyone. I'm sure you can all relate and apologize if this makes some of you feel uncomfortable but I am really trying to get real. I just realized today just how much in denial I have been these years. My life has just been a facade it seems. I don't know who I am really.

I thought I had dealt with this back when I was 17, when I told my high school counselor what happened after she confronted me about my slipping grades and excessive absences. The pain was so fresh in my mind at that time that it was very easy to blurt it out. My senior year was one crazy year. I was in a foster home for a month awaiting for my best friend's mom to get custody of me. I then moved with my best friend and her mom to New Jersey for 2 months but I was so depressed that I returned to Miami because I missed my brother, friends, and co-workers terribly. I loved my job at a supermarket and wanted to get back to that, and I did. I went back and moved in with a roommate and lived with her for 3 months or so and then eventually moved back in with my parents. That whole time in my life is such a blurr. Anyway, I had read countless self-help help books and wrote a lot of poetry and faced my pain by bringing all this stuff out and got angry with my father, so much so, that I could've killed him if I knew I could get away with it. When I went back home I treated my parents like crap and became the queen of the house by getting the master bedroom and not having any more curfews or anything. I did whatever I pleased which was very liberating because before that I couldn't even talk on the phone. They were very strict because I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I left that too when I totally rebelled from everything at 17 and never looked back.

I thought I had put that behind me and that I forgave my parents. My dad for the actual abuse and my mom for not doing anything about it. I love my parents very much and they come up to Orlando where I live now to see me and the kids on a monthly basis and talk to them most every day. They always make me laugh and the grandkids bring them so much joy. They can't stop talking about them. Anyway, they are an integral part of my life now and I like it that way. The problem is that it is all a facade. I pretend everything is just fine and dandy when it really is not.

I started seeing a therapist about two months ago when my husband decided he wanted a divorce and I was ripped to shreds. I went to her for depression and because my husband pushed me to go. The first time I saw her I told her about my dad but said that I was totally over that, which I really did believe at the time. Today, about two months later, I finally shed a tear and got into the subject of the sexual abuse from my father. I told her that I did not want to hurt their feelings and that I don't want to think of my father as a monster, which she insisted he is because he is a paedophile and that my daughter is at risk. I told her that I think it is even harder to recover from abuse from your own father because it is very hard to villify him.

Gosh, I'm so drained from writing all this and apologize for the extremely long entry but I am really trying to face this and get over it because I really haven't. Is there a book that might help me through this. An hour a week with a therapist is not going to cut it. I know I have a lot of work to do and I am ready.

There is a good book, The Courage to Heal by

Laura Davis, below I talked to tazlover about it.

Get that book!

I would talk to your therapist about all of this.

Maybe because of your daughter being in

contact with your father is bringing back some

old feelings for you. It would be really hard for

me to be around any of my abusers. Remember

you are a grown woman now and you don't need to

be accountable to your parents. You do what you

need to do to keep your kids safe and you in an

emotionally safe place.

Feeling like life is a facade is really not the way

you should be feeling and maybe you are just

going on in life like you did when you were younger.

You know, how you could be molested by your

father and then sit at the table like nothing ever

happened. That is the way we were trained to

live, but we don't have to continue. Don't worry about

their feelings worry about yours! Please feel free

to post anything and all that i said is just my opinion.

Others may have different ones. Take care!

mj

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 7:08 am PDT

princess1

Quote From: princess1

i was raped as a 9 year old child by the father of my parents best friend. it was years before i told anyone, and i only told when i found out that this man was also raping his granddaughters. i thought that maybe if i finally told we could stand together and bring this man to justice. my mother's exact words when i did tell her were "it never would have happened if you weren't such a little tramp". as far as i know this man never paid for his crime. now, 30 years later, my mother is a widow, and her friend (the son of my rapist) is also widowed. they are now in a relationship, and in fact are going on a cruise in a few months to scatter my dad's ashes. i hold this man also somewhat accountable, because when his own daughters were being raped by his father, he did nothing. my mother says i need to "get over it", but i dont know how. i dont want to try to pick her friends, but as long as she is in a relationship with the man who condoned my abuse, i can't let her be a part of my life or my son's life. so, how do i work through this one?

Wow, get over it huh? I really hate that when

people say that. We did not choose this, it

was put upon us by someone else.

I myself would walk and not turn back, you

never got your mothers support and you

probably never will. I know that may sound harsh,

but I think we hold on to the dream of what

we needed our families to be for us. It just

doesn't happen that way, see I would dream of

having this family that would love and support me

in anything, so I kept contact with my mother in

hopes that that would happen soon. She would call

me and we could go shopping or "do lunch".

Well I realized that I don't want my mother to call

me, I want the mother I never had to call me.

There is a big difference there isn't there?

I am really sorry that you have not had the support

that you needed from your family and for your

mother to call you a tramp? OH that makes me

real mad! You are a "Princess" I hope that you

really know that, I like that you picked that name

for yourself. I hope that you are well and that

you can feel free to post here anytime. Take Care!

mj

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 7:10 am PDT

neosmom23

Quote From: neosmom23

I took my abuser to court when I was Eight years old and I am happy to say he is still in prison. I dont know how long ago this was but understand that there are statute of limitations, but my advice to you is talk to an attourney and see what they say or you could go to Family service aka children services in your area they would have great advice on how to take action they deal with this kind of stuff all the time. You dont need to confront your abuser to get over it. You will never get what you want out of it. It is a control thing for them and they think that they did nothing wrong. Please trust me I have thought about it many times to confront my abuser. Remember this you are not a victom you are a survivor. Stay strong and let me know what happens you are in my thoughts.

Great to have you here, great advice you

have. Are you going to stay a bit? We would

love to have you stay. Take care!

mj

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 9:29 am PDT

Seahag aka Bonnie

Quote From: seahag

Hi MJ:

I am always on the Texas coast and "seahag" is a fun description of me. I like it. My real name is "Bonnie."

Today I read much of your work. You are NOT blabbering. You are helping lots of people and I appreciate you today.

I will hold on to my three steps: Forgive, Dialogue and Boundaries. I guess they'll take me anywhere I want to go. Trust is important and I trust myself to forgive, create dialogue and set boundaries. I'm the first one to say, "hell no."

My heart aches for so many who have experienced this childhood sexual abuse. I am sad that our society has kept us quiet and I am grateful to Dr. Phil for providing this forum.

Best Regards,

seahag

Well it is nice to meet you and you are

doing a great job with your 3 steps and

giving advice.

Thanks for sharing them with us!

mj

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 10:17 am PDT

Please hear What I Am Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by this mask that I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks and none of them are really me.

Masks that I’m too afraid to take off,

Fearing that you’ll get to know me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.

I’m pretending that I am in command and that I need no one.

That I’m cool and that my surface is so smooth and

I cannot be shaken by anything.

I act as if I am in control, but please don’t for one moment

Be fooled by my surface, that’s only my mask.

Beneath this mask lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath this mask dwells the real me in confusion, Loneliness and Fear.

But I don’t dare tell you that.

I don’t dare tell you that this is my mask.

I’m frightened by all the possibilities of my own weaknesses

Being exposed.

I think about it all the time. Will I look like a fool?

That’s why I work frantically to create this mask

To hide behind in my relationships with people.

This nonchalant, sophisticated façade helps me pretend

And shields me from the glance that knows me.

But such a glance is precisely my only salvation.

It’s my only salvation if, however, the glance is followed by

Acceptance and love.

It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my

Own self-built prison…from the barriers that I have so

Painstakingly created.

It is only that glance that will assure me of what I cannot assure

In myself and, that is, that I a really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

I’m afraid that your glance will not be followed by

Acceptance and love.

I’m afraid that you’ll think less of me…that you’ll laugh and

That your laugh would kill me. I’m afraid that deep down I am nothing.

That I’m just no good and soon you’re going to find out and you’ll

No longer love me…that you’ll reject me.

So I play my game. My desperate, pretending game with the

Facades of assurance from without and that of a trembling

Little child within.

And my life becomes a front.

And I idly chatter to you suave tones about anything

That means nothing.

And yet I can never tell about the crying inside of me…

Of my greatest hurts…of my deepest fears…my concerns.

I can’t tell you that because I am afraid.

So please listen carefully not to what I’m saying,

But to what I am not saying.

To what I’d like to be able to say. And for what my very own

Survival I need to say.

I dislike this hiding…honestly.

I dislike this phony, superficial game I’m playing.

I really would like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.

But you’ve got to help me.

You’ve got to hold out your hand.

You’ve got to hold out your hand even when it appears to you

That it’s the last thing I want from you, because I am going to share a secret

With you about myself;

The moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

Don’t be fooled by this mask. When you see anger in this mask, don’t be

Fooled for one second…that’s not anger, that’s hurt.

The mask of anger is easier to show than the mask of hurt.

And if we make the error of looking at people’s masks

Only to see anger on their faces, we may end up alone

Only because we missed the point.

You have the power to wipe away this blank stare of the

"Breathing dead" beneath this mask.

It will not be easy for you.

Long felt hurts make my masks endure.

The nearer you approach me the harder I may strike back.

Irrationally, I fight against the very thing that I cry out for-MY IDENTITY.

You may wonder who I am. You shouldn’t.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.

I am someone you know very well.

It is me!

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emscptn67

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October 28, 2005, 2:06 pm PDT

mj and others

mj

im taking a little break. i crashed last night and again this morning. im exhausted.

i put in for a leave of absence from work today. i just cant seem to function.

he did it again and i crashed. i just cant do this anymore.

please take care of you!

christy

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mjkkas

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October 28, 2005, 2:10 pm PDT

christy

Quote From: emscptn67

mj

im taking a little break. i crashed last night and again this morning. im exhausted.

i put in for a leave of absence from work today. i just cant seem to function.

he did it again and i crashed. i just cant do this anymore.

please take care of you!

christy

Please be safe and take care of yourself

you don't need this, really I am so sorry.

Please do what ever it takes hon!

Bless you always!

mj

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Message Boards

Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

how do i deal?

I know what you are going through

tazlover

muchdenial

princess1

neosmom23

Seahag aka Bonnie

Please hear What I Am Not Saying

mj and others

christy