Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Hi there, 

  

I too was molested by my father until just before my ninth birthday.  I was one of the lucky ones that did have a wonderful family for support and I am so thankful for that.  But, I have been struggling with anger and I believe the anger stems from his never paying for what he did to me or admitting to what he has done.  I don't know whether or not I can completely heal if I don't confront him, I want him to know the effects of what he did to me.  My parents were divorced when I was under 2 years old and I always remember being afraid of him, and not realizing why.  I have blocked out most of the time I spent with him but I recall enough of the last year.  I had the nightmares and still do, I hate water on my face and don't know why, I have trouble being alone at night when it is dark, when I was younger I would think that someone was outside looking in the window's at me and I would pull the shades down, I cannot snuggle with my husband very well, I changed my name when I was 18, and the list goes on.  I have read the book Courage to heal and it didn't really help me.  I know all the stuff about how wrong he was but what I want to know is how to get past the anger, I want to know what to do when I see him with his family and I feel ill ad my stomach turns.  I have to have my house in order or I cannot stand it, because that is something that I can control.  I am not obsessive about it but I get a sense of satisfaction when it is all clean.  I have abandonment issues and a horrible fear of leaving my daughter in someone else's care.  I will leave her with my mother or my three friends but I have this fear that something will happen to her, she makes me happy so naturally I am afraid of losing her. 

  

I think that abusers should have to be held accountable.  I feel that we need to tell them what damage they have done to us to take back the power that they once had over us.  The one thing I do have is that I was told by my police chief that in the state of NH there are no statute of limitations for me, not if it is your father that is the abuser.  I know of two other girls that he has molested and several that he has harassed.  I told his new wife what he did and she still stays with him, with her two kids. 

Thank you for your reply. and I did use the wrong word.. thank you, for she has and does still struggle..  

I used wallow for that is what I had done for years.. the  guilt that was placed on me,, for I was also abused as a child.. but I was blamed,, it was my fault.. just get over it,, It devistated me.. that is where.. you can harm me.. (cause nobody did nothing to protect me)  I remember my mom saying how her stepdad  molested her too.. but her mom did not believe her.. ) like duh,, if one of your children showed signs,, look into them,, My mom never ever got over her molestation.. never.. and always felt betrayed , that nobody protected her..  

Something in me, knew something was up.. someone was touching my child. and for some,, inward reaction, I took my child to the aware shelter.. they got to the bottom of it,, and sure enough. I was right..  

We struggled with the  incest for years of councelling.. for a period it was 6 to 7 times a week, councelling.. some times.. 2 to three times a day.. I was determined to help my daughter overcome the brutal rape she endured.. every holiday, I even trusted this guy to watch my child as I went back to school, I struggle with the guilt I feel.. guilt I allowed it to happen,, but.. thank you.. for it is not in wallowing, It was and is a struggle.. but when applied the councelling and the tools we recieved in the counclling.. my daughter has helped many other children to testify.. against there assailant..  

          I am a blessed mom.. yes I know.. but how does one overcome the guilt that every holiday. every week,, my daughter was molested. tied up.. sodomized.  and to know this guy wants to get off scott free..  

           you enlightened me. it is a struggle , but it can be overcome..  

thank you for the encourgement. I need that.   I try to hold my head up.  molestation is a family affair. but one,, even if you have to let go of the family.. for they disowned us..  It feels good to have faced the fact. my child was violated. but again, she is determined to overcome.  

  

WOW! Did you write this? It really touched me. It was as if I was reading about myself. People think that they know me. But the truth of the matter is that I do not let anyone close enough to me to let them really know me. Not even my best friend of 25 years. Everyone is kept at arms length except my children. And then it is my job to protect and comfort them so they do not have to know anything about me except that I am always here for them. I am always on their side. NO MATTER WHAT! I only wish that my mom was the same way. She has never really been there for me. I tried telling her about the abuse but she refused to hear it. I think she thought that if she did not hear it it was not happening. Was she ever wrong. There are times that I am very angry with her.

you have no idea how wonderful it is to know that there is someone else out there who understands what i have been through. how true it is that i had 2 ideas of my mother, the person she is and the nurturing "mommy" i needed her to be. the ironic thing is i have an autistic brother, and the mother i wanted her to be for me is the mother she is for him. she is actually the one who started calling me "the princess". it was supposed to be a put down, but a few years ago i saw a sticker at a christian book store that said "i know i am a princess, my father is the king of kings" my earthly mother, who could not be what i needed has been replaces with my heavenly father who supplies my every need and gives me the desires of my heart. Praise God!!!!!

Thanks MJ and neosmom23 for taking the time and effort to reply to my message.  I feel so invisible and worthless right now that I was pleasantly surprised that someone responded.  Thank you so much.  I will get the book Courage to Heal and start healing already.  It's about time.   

  

Today I have been super depressed just thinking about this over and over.  I feel like I can't function and be a mom.  I feel paralyzed.  Like I am just surviving but not living.  I'm taking 150mg of Zoloft and even that is not helping.  My therapist and I both suspect that I have an underactive thyroid because of all my symptoms but I know it's a lot more complex than that.  I just hope I start feeling better soon because feeling like this just makes my self-esteem plummett even more. 

I have been off for a couple of days, sorry I haven't 

responded to you all individually, I have been 

super busy! Weekends are hard to et on sometimes. 

  

I hope that you are all well and I will be back on tomorrow. 

Hopefully some of the regulars will be on soon too.  

Have a good day and know that I have read your posts 

and I hope that we can all be good to ourselves :). 

  

mj 

I am glad some of you can face your abuser.  That isn't something i am interested in.  I am too scared to even look at him when i walk down the hall in school.  I just want that feeling to go away and i don't think saying anything would help.  I actually feel like i was the problem that i was just the friend that was appealing to him.  I can't help how i look and i just didn't know.  I came and decided to read some of the articles and am now on my way to better myself but right now facing what i don't know isn't on my list

i want to be what i pretend to be.  gah...  I can help ppl but i can't help myself...urg  I want to beat myself up.  I want to train myself to forget but in the end all i would do is fool myself.  I don't even know where to begin to be ME and that scares me.  I have almost forgotten who i am b/c who i am today and yesterday isn't me it is just a wounded animal.  I have pity on myself and others.  How i manage to help others and not me makes me realize i don't know me at all.  I wish i did.  When my brother went to the hospital this morning i wasn't worried at all.  He culd have been dieing and i don't think i would have cried,  I think the events leadin up to now have numbed me and still i feel that pain but you know what....I am too stuborn to go to anyone to admit it.  Over the line it is fine b/c it feels like a jounal but to someones face...Well that is real and what is real can't change

i am a 20 year old nursing student and i was raped almost 2 years ago by another student on campus who I didn't know at the time.  All I knew was that he was part of student security.  I don't even know if this is the right place to post this but i desperately need someone to talk to about this who understands what i am going thru.  i can't talk to my parents cuz they told me it was my fault and it's just not spoken about.  i am so confused and in so much pain right now that i can barely function.  Every time i turn around i feel like i am going to see him and i am terrified of seeing him again.  In our nursing school we spend the first year on another campus to get some of our credits. it was that first year that i was walking back to my dorm late at nite by myself and took a short cut.  stupid i know.  he came out of no where behind and i didn't even have a chance to fight him off.  he had a knife and said he would kill me if i said anything.  so i didn't tell anyone for several months that this had happened.  not even my roommate.  the second year of nursing school we move to a different campus to attend classes.  i thought i would never have to see him again after the first year.  then this past summer he had english classes with me at MY school.  i was so pissed off and so scared and couldnt tell anyone because of the threat to kill me if i did.  i don't have anybody to talk to about this and i really don't know how  to talk about it very well because my brother and i were raised in a way that what happens in the family stays in the family.  so i started cutting to deal with the pain.  and i really don't want to go into that very much right now cuz i am so blah and this paragraph has been hard enough for me to get out....lol.  like i said i don't know if i am posting this in the right spot but i didn't know where else to go.  i desperately want someone to talk to and someone who will listen.  and i know i need help with this....i mean comeon.....i am a nursing student who cuts herself...i feel like i'm going nuts.... 

  

Dear flutterby6: 

I am not a qualified therapist and my advise to you may be wrong.  I think you are brave to face your rapist.  If he tries to speak to you please don't cower.  Rape is not about sex, it is about power.  You tell that young man that if he EVER touches you again you WILL file charges.   

  

Don't ask you mom.  Moms tend to protect their children and she will want you to keep quiet.  Don't keep quiet.  Our problems get bigger when we keep quiet.  When we face our fears, we grow stronger and I want you to find your strength.  It's there for you. 

  

I am so sorry that this creep raped you.  Stand up to him and watch HIM cower.  He may grin, but he will leave you the hell alone. 

  

Best Regards, 

Seahag