Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Did you have any contact with your mother during those 18 years?  Did she offer any appologies or attempt to make peace with you when she came to your house?  Please forgive all my questions but something like this is going on with a family member of mine and just curious.  I don't know the ages your children were when this happened or if they even knew who this 'grandma' was but what were their reactions?  I don't get parents who think they can abuse their kids, neglect, or what ever, not be there for them, and then expect to see the grandkids whenever they want.  To me it is a package deal, if you want the kids, then you do what you need to do to preserve the relationship with the parents.  Did your mother try to tell your kids anything about you  to turn them against you or anything like that? 

We had a difficult decision when our daughter got married.  Do you let her invite her grandma or not?  Grandma has had very little contact with the kids since our split with her and when she did it was behind our backs.  But we didn't want to cause problems between our daughter and us over the wedding so we told her we would appreciate if she didn't invite her to the ceremony since it was a small group of people and would be awkward for her and us.  So she invited her to the reception and that worked ok cause we just avoided any contact with her and our daughter was ok with that.  What do you think you will do when your kids get married?  Have there been other events where you thought about inviting her such as graduations, awards, important things that families usually share? 

Hi Everyone,

I've been in counselling for a little over a year now, I started recieving counselling after I had checked into a psych ward voluntarily because I was very suicidal.  I was sexually abused by a brother from age 6 to age 9, by my father (not sure when it started exactly), and by whatever man that my mom had brought home.  My brothers and sisters were also sexually abused, but none of them want to talk about any of it.  It is so hard going through this all alone.  There are so many things that I have to deal with, and it would be helpful if at least someone from my family would be willing to talk about it.  There are too many questions about our past that I don't have any answers to.   I have chosen not to confront my abusers ( I don''t know the names of most of them), and the ones that I do know, my brother and father, I want nothing to do with them and I want my children to have nothing to do with them.  I have so many questions, and nobody who will even try to answer them.  I feel like I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm the only one who is willing to talk about the whole thing.     

I truly understand your pain in more ways than you could ever imagine....Its really good that you are taking "your life back" and not allowing what has happened to you over rule or dictate terms of your life right now.  By coming here just proves to me how wise you are.  Reaching out trying to identify with others who have had similar situations...Those brain connections are PARAMOUNT to you gaining control moving forward on this beautiful journey to discovering YOU!.

You may feel like alot of things...They may be true or not I am not walking around in your skin.  However I do know Dr. Phil's LIFE STRATEGIES BOOK saved my life regarding THIS VERY same topic and regarding "toxic family and not "buying into the web of lies we tell ourselves regarding people in our situation.

He in a gentle voice brings you out of that "crazy" place like he did for me into today and he helps separate all your talking about.  Don't buy other people's garbage...Hasn't enough been placed on your shoulders already?  Really?  Don't your children deserve to have a mother operating at 100 percent not clinging to demons and past ghosts..

Today sweet woman is your lucky day...I have given you direction to the end of the tunnel...Dr. Phil has the keys to unlock the door.  Come down here its a scary walk but I assure you I am standing right here with a very larger WHITE LIGHT  I see you...Go out and get that book today..It will save YOUR LIFE.....The boogie man is DEAD!

Hi Poet!  Welcome to the board! 

What kind of questions are you wanting answers to?  Is it strictly family questions?  Is there anything we could try and help answering?

Im sorry no one is willing to speak about what happened.  If you just had one willing family member it would be helpful for you.    Im also sorry to say that lots of times that is the position people find themselves in.  I understand feeling like the black sheep.  It used to be very hurtful to me but in time I have realized that if I wasnt the black sheep then I would be as twisted as everyone else in my extended family.  If it comes down between a choice of pretending acceptance or being the black sheep, I prefer to be the black sheep, myself.  I figure, I must be doing something right if so many of my family members think im the crazy mean one.    ;)

The trouble is its almost impossible for alot of people to face what happened.  So many think its best to sweep it under the rug and let time heal all.  With childhood sexual abuse, that doesent work.  Actually, I dont know much that sweeping under the rug fixes.  Always best to face things head on no matter how hard or scary.  Least, I think so. 

I think you are making a wise choice to keep your children away from your abusers.  Even if it labels you that black sheep.  Far better to protect your babies then to keep the peace for the family sake. 

Hope to hear more from you! 

I got mine coming in 2 days so this is quite a fitting topic for me at present.  Though I was never physically abused by my parents, they were deffinatley far from plugged in.  And the decisions they made regarding us(sister and I) just blows my mind as a parent now.  They parented with money and fear.  Well , my father had that whole fear thing down.  My mother figured if we were unhappy she just needed to buy us something and all would be well.  They managed to raise one child who is forever searching for happiness through material things(she still hasnt found it yet) and one child who suffered years of abuse because they closed their eyes.  I often think I would have turned out just as my sister did had I not been abused.  Living through that, you learn real quick that money cant make you happy. 

I understand them but it doesent make it much better.  The scars are still there.  I can(and have)forgive them for what they lacked, as well.  But ya know, its still tough for me to have them come visit.  Just yesterday my oldest was asking when grandma and grandpa were coming and speaking about them and I have to give all I can to put on a smile and act happy they are coming.  I wont ruin their relationship with them as long as they behave themselves.  My mother is pretty good about it but my father still acts like hes a seargent in the army and believes that fearing chldren into submission is the best route.  Many times we have argued over the way I raise my children.  At present, if it were to be looked at like a game, I would say im winning by a mile!  So I think he should just shut up.  Which I have no problem telling him.  HAHA 

Anyhows, as I said, I do understand them.  My mother was raised by an incredibly overbearing father and a whipped mother.  They had very little growing up and I know she felt she wanted to give her children all the material things she never had.  My father was an only child and spoiled beyond all reason as my grandmother wasnt supposed to have any babies.  She had him late in life and almost died giving birth.  So the child was given everything and has this entitlement thing going on that is quite impressive.  But hes such the freaking baby!  God!  Seriously, the man has to be one of the biggest baby mens I have ever met.  He is forever annoying me with his demands and the fear tactics he tries to dish out to my children.    I stop him dead in his tracks as the last thing I desire is have my children fear me.  I want their respect, not their fear.  I think alot of old school parents have that confused.  They seem to think if the children fear you its the same as respect.  Its not.  Fear and respect are two very different things.

Well, I think thats enough ranting from me.  ;)  Just thought I would jump in on this whole parent convo as mine are coming in 2 days.  *making a face*  I did think this little face I clicked on was appropriate  seeings as how I have to hush myself up and not say what I think to my children over their grandparents.  Im happy they love them and want to see them and I will protect that relationship for their sake.  But, only to a certain extent.  I wont let them hurt my babies and have in the past moved to the other side of the states to get my family away from them.  I have to say, living so far away has its perks!  The thought of me ever moving back and becoming so enmeshed in their lives is scary!  Phone calls and yearly visits work great for me.  (though I reserve the right to recant that statement in the days ahead  ;)

I see they are running the Brainwashed Brides episode again.  Will I be seeing you on that board? 

Wonder when the new season starts?  Have had enough of the re runs.  Those two moms that were on yesterday were difficult enough to watch the first time.  Speaking of parents you need to protect your children from...  I would say those two are a good example!  Sheesh!

Labelfree(did I get the username right?  Forgive me if I messed it up please!)  Im happy to know that the docs book has helped you so much.  Anything that works is great, imo.

As far as the doc and his approach to sexual abusers,  I have to say im more then a bit dissapointed by the whole thing.    I am happy he broached the subject on national televison and I think it was a great opportunity to help many people.  I just have problems with how he handled Mikai.  There were never any charges pressed which I think is most important.  Not only me, but studies show that abusers who have been incarcerated and received therapy have a lessor recidivism rate.  So for those reasons, and the reason of I think they should be held legally accountable,  I have difficulties with the no legal ramifications. 

I also had difficulties with the center he placed him.  When it was finally made available for the public to look into it was found to be an alcoholic/drug therapy program.  As well as it was a very upper scale place with all these perks(walks on Malibu beaches- massages- even legal advice when you are ready to leave)which had me scartching my chin.  (to put it nicely) 

Knowing that his book has helped you so much does my heart good.  I had been so very dissapointed with the turn out of the Mikai shows that its good to know he has helped someone who has suffered through this. 

Now... lets see if this post will stay on the board.  Not sure if I have crossed the acceptable boundries by stating my opinions of the doc and his sexual abuse shows.  I do give him credit for even broaching the subject.  Not many will go there.  I was just hoping for legal accountability and a different treatment center that didnt seem quite so much like a weekend get away spot.

You are so wise and it's true!  No one wants to admit anything..

I say what I have learned from this experience BELIEVE YOUR MIND>>>

No one wakes up and says hey i was an abused kid and makes up all terrible issues for no reasons at all..

Actually it seems like we are all around the same age...I am 41...

May I just be so bold to ask anyone who wants to tell there age?

I think Oreo is young but still abuse at any age is ABUSE!

    I did call my mom after about 8 years. Her dad had died and I thought that would be a hard time for her so we talked briefly. I asked her if her dad had abused her and she denied that anything like that had ever happened. I find that hard to believe because shortly after he died I started to have memories of him molesting me. 

   She has never offered any apologies, I just don't want to see the good in things. That is what she always would say. When I called her to first confront her, I asked why she let all that stuff happen, especially in front of her. She said that she never saw anything, even when I brought up husband #3. He had gotten his 13 year old pregnant but it wasn't his fault, She seduced him. The daughter and son lived with us. He called him grandpa. How could someone marry someone that had done that, knowing that before you even married them?

    Even when she just showed up at my house she didn't offer any apologies, just told me she wouldn't be around forever and that I should let her be a part of my kids' lives, she even brought an old friend of hers that I knew from back then. The friend even made comments about how hypocritical I was being. So again it was me being the bad child. Anyway she asked where my oldest was and she was the one that first saw "some lady in the driveway that wants to come in". My daughter said she was right here and my moms friend pushed my daughter into my mom and said here is your grandma and my mom gave her a hug. My daughter felt very uncomfortable and moved away.

    My oldest was about a year old when I first told my mom, so none of my kids knows her at all. My mom was never invited to any of their functions big or small. I can't have someone that toxic around my children. Someone who could let all that stuff happen to me and then just ignore it and blame me. When I first was taken away by the State she told me that I had ruined her life. Every dream she ever had was gone because of me. I told her that if she wasn't willing to take responsibility and apologize to me she would never be a part of my life again. So it was really her choice.

    It wasn't an easy thing at all for me to do, I had to give up the fantasy that I could have a mother to go shopping with or lunch sometimes. Could never call her up just to say "Hey". it was like I mourned the mother I always wanted and could never have.  Really really hard at that time.

    I had some great people that I lived with that I call my parents so my kids know them as Grandparents so they didn't miss out on that experience. I don't know what I would have done if the kids knew my mother and then I cut her off, because it is hard to explain such things to little kids. But protecting them and their well being has to come first. They do have rights but parents have a right to protect their children.