Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

This is part of my trouble.  I know that I really am in charge of my feelings now.  I'm all grown up, no one is really abusing me right now, yet I seem to let the past invade my life now.  I get so frustrated with myself for not putting it all aside and kiving my life without feeling the effects of the past.  I think it is an endless circle of unhappiness.  I want to get over it, yet I can't forget and my body reacts in ways and my mind is not clear to live without associating things to the past.  I hope I am making sense.  Why can't I just be happy with myself.  I am not happy with myself and I am in fact disappointed with myself.  I want to change that but I don't know how to do that.  Do you know what I mean?

What does it mean to you to forgive?  To me it is too close to saying "what you did was ok and doesn't matter anymore".  I don't feel that way.  Maybe I need to think of it differently.  Of course, my mind is not healthy now and so maybe it is beyond my imagination at this point.  I just don't know how to forgive him for what he did to me. 

You are still healing, I am too, but I am getting to where all the bad feelings and such aren't all the time anymore. I am now to where the good days are lasting longer. When I first came on the boards in March (?) my good days would last for a week and then I would be down so much and bad for weeks or even months at a time. When you get your pain out, it can't fester anymore on the inside. 

Growing up with CSA has really halted us in so many ways and we are catching up. Didn't get to learn all the living skills because we were just trying to survive, we did what ever we needed to survive. Have you ever put a bike together? I watched a friend of mine (her hus) put one together for her daughter at Christmas. They bought it from a catalog and had to put it together, with the gears and all, not a little kids bike. It took him almost 2 days to do it because he had never done it before, he had instructions and phone #'s to call, but he still struggled.  

  

I went to a store and got one and the guy there put my bike together in a couple of hours, he did this alot and so it was easier for him to do it, he had had a lot of practice. That is what we need to do is practice these life skills that we never had a chance to learn. Be gentle with yourself,  you are doing fine and things will happen when it is time. I don't mean to totally give up on it, just be patient and don't think that when you start a race that you should be at the finish line right when you start. Run the race and finish at your speed, it doesn't matter where everyone else is or expects you to be (meaning you mostly). Just focus on you. 

  

mj 

It is hard to be patient because I feel like my life is passing by and I am not a participant in life.  I will continue to try to be understanding and patient with myself.  You are right.  It is hard to catch up at this point in my life when I feel like I am my own guide though.   

Have a good weekend, mj.  Thanks. 

   I am ok right now, I am in counceling.  I just  could not think of a better name that fits me right now.

I hate myself right now too, so I understand. I hope that you are ok. 

  

mj 

I hope you are ok, mj.  Did your son-in-law come home yet?  Take care of yourself.

Yes my SIL made it home, my daughter got lost trying to find 

the Vegas airport, but we got through that, thank goodness for 

the maps on the Internet. 

My sister is very suicidal right now and my hus is being a jerk, 

about me talking to her on the phone. Maybe because he sees 

how upset I get. 

But I guess things are looking up, I hope that my daughter will 

want to at least try to save her marriage, big sigh. 

Sorry blabbering again. I hope that you are doing ok. 

And I hope that everyone here has a great weekend! 

  

mj 

Wow, the same thing happened in my family, brother and father. There were 5 girls in my family and I know that 3 of the 5 were abused.  I will have to pick up the book.  Because I was taught to keep it hidden, I never told my husband about the abuse. After I had a son and daughter my brother that abused me moved next door.  I told my husband and my son that I didn't want our 6 year old daughter ever over to his place but they didn't know why.  My son went over to my brother's place to play with his son, and my daughter went too.  She started acting really strange, and I felt something wasn't right with her. I started questioning her and found out that my brother sexually abused her and later found out that he attempted to have sex with her.  She is now 17 years old.  She has had many problems dealing with this.  She has slit her wrist at the age of 13, purged her food after eating after that, told lies about being attacked to the police, and now her boyfriend has broken up with her and I found exlax in her room.  She has been in counseling most of her life. The counselor that she was doing so good with years ago has moved on to another job, and now she has someone else, but I don't care for her.  I am not allowed to talk to her counselor, t o make sure they know everything about her, I'm not sure she is telling them everything.  My husband and I are looking for a different counselor. Maybe one that can also help us help her.  (Sorry this is so long) I have written for help to Dr. Phil, but understandably I didn't hear back from him.) 

Thanks for reading 

Hi...just looking for some feedback here. I am married to a man I am about to divorce, for many reasons. The top one being that he just does not get that I am an incest survivor and don't want to have sex. He says he won't live in a sexless marraige. Okay, so go! :) Am I being selfish? I don't understand why he won't even seem to consider where I am coming from! He has absolutely no clue about what it feels like to relive the abuse, and that's what sex is to me.  

Thanks for any input. I hope you are all well.