Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

So sorry your sister is going through a rough time.  You are so good at supporting others and when your sister needs help, you've got to be there for her.  Your husband must understand that.  If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that maybe he doesn't want you draining your emotional resources on everyone else and really wants more of you for himself.  I don't know enough about your situation, but is there any chance that could be possible?  I wonder if he feels that by involving yourself (even for very good reasons) in other lives, you become less nurturing, less available and supportive of him.  His desire for your attention may be showing itself as anger and being a jerk.  Men seem to do that.  I end up resenting that I have to figure these things out and be the peacekeeper.  But, men are from Mars...  I may be way off on this, but it was just a thought. 

I'm glad things are looking up.  Blabber any time here.  That's what this message board is all about, right? 

I am so sorry that your experience was repeated on your daughter.  How horrible.  That must have been horrible for you, too.  I hope your brother was put in jail.   

I hope you find a better counselor.  I would think that talking separately with parents of a minor would be important information to a therapist.  I'm surprised that the counselor won't talk with you.  You must have things to work through, too, because of what your daughter went through.  You and your husband are her main supporters and I would think a sense of partnership would be good.  I don't get it.  Has she explained why she won't talk with you?  Maybe she plans to, but just not right away.  Good luck. 

Have you tried marriage couseling?  I think that will be in my future because I feel as you do: sex is not something I want right now because it is associated with the abuse.  However, I realize that is not normal and I feel guilty that I am not there for my husband.  I also feel resentful that he is not supporting me.  However, I think that if we take small steps guilded by an experienced therapist, we might be able to eventually get to a point where we can support each other.  At least that is my hope.  Maybe your husband won't have to live in a sexless marriage forever and maybe sex won't be a horrible thing for you forever.  If you're like me, you must feel angry that you are missing out on something that is suppose to be an enjoyable activity for couples.  It is something that makes men feel closer to their wives.  (I need more emotional support from my husband.)   

You guys probably need a mediator in a way, a therapist, who can understand both sides and work with you to get to a place where you both will be happy.  If you look for a marriage couselor, be sure to find one that has experience with dealing with couples who are also dealing with past abuse issues.  Do you think there is any hope in saving your marriage?  Do you want to try? 

Did your husband know you were an incest survivor before 

you got married? He should be more understanding, I think. 

That is a big issue for some of us though, and men a geared 

for sex and it is the way they show love. 

You are not being selfish, If he is not willing to work with you 

and understand your feelings, then he is just abusing you 

all over if he is pushing for sex. JMO. 

So do you want to save your marriage? Do you need him  

in your life if he is not willing to support you. Are you trying to heal? 

These are all things to think about and counseling would probably 

be the best if you want to make it work. Nothing wrong with trying 

if you chose to. Take Care! 

mj 

He wants me all to himself, of course. I do get 

stressed out and don't take care of myself and 

can end up running myself dry taking care of 

others. So you are probably right on. 

Thanks. 

mj 

Thanks for replying. Thanks for the advice about the counselor with past abuse issues, also, that's good advice.  

I don't know if I want it to work.... I do feel guilty as you do, and resentful, yes. I'm not angry ...I don't think..  :(  If I am, it's over 14 years of resentment and misunderstandings that haven't been dealt with.  

I did mention marriage counseling to him the other day and he misunderstood me to be pointing at him, calling him a perv, and addressing the fact that he needs help, which I was in no way doing. He didn't like the idea. I took that as very telling.   

Well, I'm no help - but thanks very much for replying. I think I'm looking for a way not to feel guilty about breaking up my family. My husband stayed in the marraige with two "rules" (my word, not his, he's a decent guy who has his own difficulties right now etc.) and I broke both of them - one of them was he wanted sex. I just can't. Won't. Whatever. But  my children.... what's best for them? Am I selfish to want a life where I feel safe and want to be alone (read: without a man)? 

I didn't know I was an incest survivor before we were married. I found out, discovered a few years ago, went through counseling, etc. He was very supportive, if quiet, during that time. I started standing up for myself more and more recently and he doesn't like it. Well, I'm sure he appreciates my honesty, but he wishes things were different. He, imho, manipulates me to try to get his way and I'm just not buying it anymore.  

Thanks for replying. He's told me recently, this is his latest tirade, that I need counseling. My therapist who helped me through the incest recovery really let me down in the end, even my husband agrees with that. He just doesn't see why I hesitate to get back into it. 

I don't want to save my marraige, I want to be alone. I do want to save my family though, and he is so angry right now, he is going to fight me on that. So ...one wonders...as a mother, do you give a little for the children's sake or do you stand up and fight as gently as you can, trying to use it as an example for them..? I have no one to discuss this with, so I'm at a loss. 

I appreciate your reply. I browsed through a little bit to get caught up and I hope everything is working out for you. Last I was here, you were taking a break. I hope you are well now. Thanks again. 

Sorry to make this about "me" but I can't help but explain w/ an example... I came to forgive my molester, somehow, couldn't tell you how. Had a great counselor and lots of support. But I was also physically abused by my parents, and that I can't forgive -  yet. I feel like you do, "What you did was okay," how can I say that?? How can I just let them off the hook? I know everyone says it's best for us to forgive, it's about us, not them - but I truly get where you're coming from. If you figure it out.... I forgave my father for molesting me, stealing my childhood, but I still have the scars - so who's to say I truly forgave him? I'm not a healthy, functioning female... but my stepfather & mother, who just beat up on me? I carry that anger with me every day. I KNOW I need to let it go, but for me, it does not start with, "Okie dokie, you're off the hook!"  

Sorry for the tirade. I was looking for my post, came across yours, and wanted to let you know you're not alone! Thanks... 

That post a WHILE ago about Dr. Phil's response to incest victims - the one about the emotional age? Does anyone remember? I can't find it and I am looking for the origin of it. Did it come from a show? Book? It really made a lot of sense to me. 

If it helps to be more specific..it was something about being stopped from growing (paraphrasing) at the emotional age your abuse started.. 

Thanks a lot. I'd really like to see more of that conversation. 

http://www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/440/0/ 

I hope that helps 

mj