I'm new here I ran across this topic and its something I have been struggling with all of my life so I thought i would pop in and tell my story. My earliest memory of sexual abuse is by my older brother, I was 5. I am 31 now. It was a one time thing, and I never spoke of it. The next memory I have is my Uncle, I was 7. Again, I never told. When I was 8, My father molested me, everyday, for 6 years. My mom was never around when it happened. She was to busy drinking. I remember when I was 13, and I told a *friend* who in turn told an adult, and they called the police. My father, wrote a suicide note when the he had found out i had told but before he could kill himself, the police arrested him. He was court ordered out of the home, and my Mother bailed him out of jail, He never spent a night in Jail. My mother tried to send me away, thinking it would help me, and she would always say, why wont you talk to your father, after he bought you whatever you wanted, and loved you. In turn, My family, disowned my dad and mom and also Me.
At 12, I was a very lost girl who turned to alcohol and drugs and suicidal actions to relieve the pain and bad memories. My dad put me in a Treatment center, and he moved back in to the home, and i stayed locked up for 3 years doing therapy with myself and him, and the whole family to get through all my emotions.
Unfortunately, when I got out of treatment, I went straight back to the drugs and alcohol, and cutting. I never graduated school, and when I was 17, I was raped and got pregnant. I was 18 when I gave birth. My daughter was exactly what I needed. She didn't ask to be born, but somehow, she made me see me for who I was. I haven't had a drink since then. I haven't attempted suicide since then.
His sentence for this crime? 4 yrs probation.
My sentence? A lifetime of misery
It took me a few years to even talk to my father again, we spent tons of time in Therapy, developing a relationship, although the anger is always there.
My father is dying now. I thought him dying would give me a sense of closure in that chapter of my life, but it hasn't. My father recently asked me if I would go to court on his behalf, to get his criminal record closed, because he has to register as a sexual offender, he would like to die with HM how should i put it, a clean record i guess.
I have learned over the years, that life is very unfair, and holding on to anger only prevents me from having a happy life. I am emotionally challenged, so to speak. I haven't thought about my past until recently, and I'm slowly sinking into depression, trying to pull myself out of that hell.
I was recently diagnosed Bi Polar. So depression and anger has been sinking in again. I see a Psychologist and Psychiatrist unfortunately, they have not helped me.
I hope one day I can wake up without emotional pain, but I'm not holding my breath.
