Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Yes, I had to make a choice...stay in the sickness, or live 

my life without them. It is not easy, but it was the best 

thing for me to do. If you can set boundaries are 

have a relationship with them, then that works. 

My mother was an active participant in my sexual abuse.  

She would bring men home and watch them have sex with me, 

sometimes she would have to hold me down, or hide in 

the closet and watch. 

She told me that I just never wanted to see the good in her 

and that I was selfish. I couldn't live like that and then pretend that 

nothing happened the next day. That she did the best she  

could with what she had. 

I then had to realize that I couldn't heal and be in that place  

with them anymore. If she couldn't acknowledge what she 

had put me through, then I couldn't let her be a part of mine  

or my children's lives. That was about 18 (?) years ago. 

It was very hard and I went through a kind of mourning, but 

I realized that is was the family I wanted that I was mourning, 

not the family I had. 

Sounds like your family is upset at you for trying to better yourself 

and let out the secrets they have kept hidden. Just remember... 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! They are sick and didn't want 

anyone to know, now you know and that is where the problem is, 

it is not you!! 

I am sorry you go beyond acknowledging and recognizing those bad feelings in your family and that you feel them so deeply.  It is obvious that there is much pain in the family that has been caused by your brother's behavior and actions.  It is unfair that you are carrying that burden of the pain created by him. 

I reacted strongly because my abuser thought I was asleep at first, too.  It was awful and led to awake time abuse, too. 

I am still confused by your sister-in-law's love for this man that destroyed her daughter and family.  However, I do understand why you want to consider her feelings when discussing the past with her.  I wish you luck and please let us know how you handled it and how it went. 

Didn't mean to upset anyone.  Please forgive me if in anyway I have offended or upset any of you. I think grieving the family that you would like to have had really hits the nail on the head. It is hard to be around toxic people and I seem to catch it from all sides. To be fair my mother does try I guess in her own way but she will never discuss this or come to terms with any of this stuff.  As far as what the inlaws think... I believe that beyond being judged as worthless, rejected without cause... I have grieved that I will not have that loving family relationship I had longed for. It is time to move on and put that away. Maby my expectations of family are not realistic. Maby I'll revamp that. So for now I hold tight to what I do have. I am grateful for loving children and the grace of God. When you have been kicked around for some reason it does seem to draw people who lash out abuse and hurt. If there is a bully in the crowd they will find you everytime But you know what ? I 've had enough of it and I am looking for ways to find empowerment. Dr Phil has said that you teach people how to treat you and if  you allow such treatment it is if you silently agree? ( at least that is what I think he means) I have been thinking this over and tetting it sink in. This means that I have the power to change things. This means I can find a way. I don't just have to sit here and take it. Today I'll be visiting at the MN laws home and I dread it. I know I'll get picked apart. I will use this tactic to see if it works. I'll have her clarify questionable  comment s and put it back on her in  a non threatening manner. This will do 2 things. It will clarify for me if she means what I think or if I'm being defensive--clear communication. This will make her own what she says.  I will glue myself to  my hubby because she will not attack in front of him but if she does try , we'll see how this pans out. If all else fails. We leave. I'm not looking for a show down.  What have ya'll done to build yoursleves up? What has worked or not worked why? What are some tactics you use to deal w people you cannot disassociate from and have to deal with? Due to the severe abuse I have endured, I have not learned how to deal with so many things, rejection being the hardest.  How do you deal with yourself when you have a tough day or see something that triggers a memory you'd rather forget? 

No. He died before I could. I confronted him in my mind. Almost a prayer to a dead spirit. Interesting that I said his spirit was dead. It has to be I believe to do this to a child. You have to die spiritually first I think.  

I would say that you handle it as maturely as you can. Call them, arrange a meeting in a place where YOU feel safe.... Take someone with you if you need to. Someone you totally trust and have discussed this with. Someone you feel will agree to support you unconditionally. Then tell them not just what you remember but what THEY did. Give them ownership of their actions. Keep throwing the ball back into their court. Not in an out of control way but as an adult.  Are you an adult? No matter be mature. But allow yourself to get angry and let those feelings show. They need to SEE how they hurt you. Don't let them deny it. Keep it in their face and let them know what you want from them. Acknowledgement? Validity? Respect? An apology? Honesty? You may not get those things. You MUST be prepared for that! Practice with yourself or someone first. Try to imagine how you think it will go. What will they say? What will you say? Add worse case scenarios. What is the worst thing that could happen? What would hurt the most? How will you handle that? Make your intentions clear. You are confronting him for YOUR needs not HIS!  Right? This is about YOU! Not protecting him! Don't tell him anything you don't want to. Don't let him guilt you or intimidate you. Imagine success. How will you feel after? What do you want to accomplish for yourself in doing this? Is it really what you want to do? Are you ready? Be strong! If no one else is...I AM here for you! I will be praying for you!