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Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 08:57:56 am
Author : dataimport
Are you or a loved one a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Join others to share advice and offer support.
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dramamama
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December 26, 2005, 4:50 am PST

Family betrayal

Quote From: ragdoll

 This is hard to do when you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I especially hate it when people ask "sooo, 'How is your famil"? or "Do you have famly in the area"? All my life I have wanted to move away from here and start over as if they never existed but I have never had the self confindence to do it. Now I regret it more than ever. My oldest dauther lives with my mother to help with her bills etc. We own a buisnesss and rent from guess who , my mother ( I never agreed to this but the hubby did it anyway regaurdless of how I felt because he belived it was the best choice for the family)  When I confided in mom she said that she suspected the issue but just couldn't belive it and then blamed me for it. I ended up being the famil scapegoat with a twist. I took on the adult who keeps the peace -takes care of everyting role while all the while being blamed for everything that goes wrong. I rember Grandma taking me to a dr when i was about 4 maby 5 yrs old and him examining my privates. My mother was in the room. The pst from severe emotional and physical abuse has been hard to deal with. I have no insurance. couceling and medication do not help. I had to rely on county resources which are poor quality. What I want most is to put this all behind me and move on. In spite of everything I do not hate my mother but I am broken and have no where to turn. I am not accepted by hubby's family (they called me white trash)  My brother's family treats me horribly, as if they are ashamed that I exist. I wonder if he was abused also?
Yes. Family can be cruel sometimes. They don't like you rocking the boat. YOU ARE NOT TRASH! Remember you are what you say you are. What you want to be...Write down all your good qualities. Have your husband help you. What does he love about you? Screw the in-laws. Unfortuntely we often don't pick them anymore than we pick our own family but well, now they are your family too. Read in Ruth how she treated her in-laws (specifically her mother-in-law). How did she treat them? How did she feel about them? What can you pull from that story on how you should behave. NOT THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE ANY KIND OF ABUSE FROM ANYONE! But you can't control their actions. Sucks but its true. Do what you have to to survive? Find ways to find peace. NOT KEEP PEACE! FIND PEACE! for yourself. Often finding peace does not mean keeping peace. Did Jesus and his followers always keep the peace? NO WAY! They often stirred things up. Be right! And know you are doing what is right! Stand up for yourself. If you don't who will? Ever try to protect something that didn't want to be protected. Can't do it can you? Neither can your husband protect you if you don't think you are worth protecting....You are worth it....I think so....I can see power in you. Through your words. Your spirit is not dead or defeated. IT IS ALIVE! Keep fighting! You can do it! I did! YOU CAN! YOU CAN DO THIS! Be strong in the Lord! Rejoice in your accomplishments! Look how amazing you are! Look how far you have come! Look at what you could have been had you given up! Rememeber Romans 8:37-39...My life verses. Remember "All things work for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.." Right? What's your purpose? What is He calling you to do? What is He trying to teach you? What does He want you to see through all of this? Remember He wants you strong in Him. You are stronger than you think! Keep on keeping on! There is a song "When I think I'm going under, part the waters Lord! When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea! When I cry for help, oh hear me Lord, and hold out your hand! Touch my life still the raging storm in me...." Part the waters girl...part the waters.....
 
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711liz
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December 26, 2005, 7:45 am PST

You are not responsible for others' feelings!

Quote From: mooshy

 I was trying to express why I thought my sister in law still loved him and why I needed to be gentle with her in dealing with all this.  He isn't allowed to be around children.  He is a registered sex offender.  He's been held all kinds of accountable.  His daughters hate him for destroying his family.   She has to deal with all this and none of it is her fault.  They had been married for 15 years when this happened. 

I'm an almost toxically empathetic person and I absorb all the emotions around me.   I was trying to express what I thought those emotions were in that family.  Of course his horror was the horror of being caught .  I was just saying I could feel all the feelings of everyone involved and they are all bad feelings. 

Mooshy, you are not responsible for others' feelings, only your own.  It is one thing to empathize with others and another thing to take on their feelings.  Taking on everyone else's feelings is not going to be good for you or them.  They are responsible for their feelings and you are responsible for yours and learning that boundary or how to put it into place will really help you to learn what you have control over and what you do not.  It is about learning to set boundaries and knowing where you end and other's begin.  I have several references that are helpful in this area.   If interested, just send me an email to myjourneytome@yahoo.com and I would be happy to share them with you.   

  

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.  I understand because I have been there, too.  I have had to learn about setting boundaries and what I have control over which is essentially only my own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc.  Keep searching; you will find your answers.  Love, Liz (((Mooshy, if OK)))    

  
 
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mjkkas
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December 26, 2005, 1:37 pm PST

Oh, no! you did not offend me

Quote From: ragdoll

 This is hard to do when you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I especially hate it when people ask "sooo, 'How is your famil"? or "Do you have famly in the area"? All my life I have wanted to move away from here and start over as if they never existed but I have never had the self confindence to do it. Now I regret it more than ever. My oldest dauther lives with my mother to help with her bills etc. We own a buisnesss and rent from guess who , my mother ( I never agreed to this but the hubby did it anyway regaurdless of how I felt because he belived it was the best choice for the family)  When I confided in mom she said that she suspected the issue but just couldn't belive it and then blamed me for it. I ended up being the famil scapegoat with a twist. I took on the adult who keeps the peace -takes care of everyting role while all the while being blamed for everything that goes wrong. I rember Grandma taking me to a dr when i was about 4 maby 5 yrs old and him examining my privates. My mother was in the room. The pst from severe emotional and physical abuse has been hard to deal with. I have no insurance. couceling and medication do not help. I had to rely on county resources which are poor quality. What I want most is to put this all behind me and move on. In spite of everything I do not hate my mother but I am broken and have no where to turn. I am not accepted by hubby's family (they called me white trash)  My brother's family treats me horribly, as if they are ashamed that I exist. I wonder if he was abused also?

I totally understand about being in a small town and everything  

you said, really. It is all hard to have to deal with, but at some point 

you will see that you have to come first. Trying to make everyone 

happy and doing all that you are, is not going to change them. You 

can only change them. 

Your mother is blaming you for this, because she doesn't understand 

it and/or she doesn't want to take responsibility for her lack of 

protection of you...so she blames you. You were a child and it was  

not your fault. 

My mother took me to the doctors too when I was young and 

she held me down so he could examine me, alot of traumatic things. 

You will do what you can right now, that is OK. Just make sure that you 

keep in mind that you deserve to get better and that it can be with them or  

without them. There is nothing wrong with that, honest. You don't need 

any more toxic stuff in your life, so just work on being more loving to you 

and work on getting where you are strong enough to do what it best for you. 

I am in no way saying to stay in this or get out of it, even though I think 

that is best. I just realize that is is very hard to do, but it can be done :) 

Good luck to you and I am sorry it tool me so long to respond to you,  

it has been very busy for me and I haven't been on much at all. 

  

Happy New Year to you!! 

  

Start by thinking of what I said and know that you are not alone! 
 
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mjkkas
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December 26, 2005, 2:01 pm PST

Ragdoll...oops! Typo...

Quote From: mjkkas

I totally understand about being in a small town and everything  

you said, really. It is all hard to have to deal with, but at some point 

you will see that you have to come first. Trying to make everyone 

happy and doing all that you are, is not going to change them. You 

can only change them. 

Your mother is blaming you for this, because she doesn't understand 

it and/or she doesn't want to take responsibility for her lack of 

protection of you...so she blames you. You were a child and it was  

not your fault. 

My mother took me to the doctors too when I was young and 

she held me down so he could examine me, alot of traumatic things. 

You will do what you can right now, that is OK. Just make sure that you 

keep in mind that you deserve to get better and that it can be with them or  

without them. There is nothing wrong with that, honest. You don't need 

any more toxic stuff in your life, so just work on being more loving to you 

and work on getting where you are strong enough to do what it best for you. 

I am in no way saying to stay in this or get out of it, even though I think 

that is best. I just realize that is is very hard to do, but it can be done :) 

Good luck to you and I am sorry it tool me so long to respond to you,  

it has been very busy for me and I haven't been on much at all. 

  

Happy New Year to you!! 

  

Start by thinking of what I said and know that you are not alone! 

I meant in the first paragraph.....you can only change you 

and I will add, that you can only change the way you 

act about what they say and do, but can't change them. 

sorry about that. 
 
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ragdoll
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December 26, 2005, 5:46 pm PST

Thank you for comming forward and sharing

Quote From: dramamama

Yes...I did...It's funny because as a child of 9 or 10 I don't remember ever even thinking of telling my parents as a option. I never thought of telling anyone. My dad was in the ministry and I was more concerned of how it would make him look than my own needs. It was like I already knew what the reaction would be so I dealt with it the best I could. I pushed it aside. The memories, the emotions everything. I never did tell my mom...my sister did. I was horrified to know she found out and I didn't even want to discuss it with her. These were her words to me ( I was in my late 20s) "What HAPPENED to you?" I was shocked she knew. I told her. "Well, he was just messing with you. When I was in high school I went on a date where a boy couldn't keep his hands off me. It's happens to everyone." "Mom, I was 10!" "You don't tell everything you know (my name)!" I had given my testimony my church. She was afraid someone in my church (states away from them) would know Daddy. Mind you, I was still mindful of his reputation...still protecting HIM! I was married so my last name is different. I never told anyone my maiden name, where I grew up, the church name of where this occured (Yes. It occured at CHURCH!), or any information that would lead anyone to anyone else but me. I felt that since the sicko is dead, it didn't need to be said.  Anyway it told my Mom that I didn't mean to hurt her or anyone else. This was my story and I did what I had to do. Many people came forward that day. One woman talked to me about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her own mother. It was worth it. All my Mom could say was "Don't tell your father. It would KILL him!" And she is right. It would. I was contemplating it but decided against it after talking to her. I love my Mom and Dad and even after her betrayal, I decided I could go on and heal without him having to know. She also said she would never be able to step foot in my church. That hurt me because my faith is very important to me. And my parents sharing in that growth is important to me. Like any little girl I want them to be proud of me and who they have helped me become. I am so proud of them. It was hard to see my Mom as human. I always thought of her as being larger than life and wanted nothing more than to be just like her. We are very close. But I have since realized that for my Mom, that was how SHE HAD to deal with it. The pain of realizing she had allowed this man to hurt me was too much. The funny thing is that I don't blame her for the abuse. She was a victim too. He groomed her just like he did me. But I do hold her responsible for her actions after she found out. Looking back at that time in my life I think she knew something was up. She had to have. She may have written it off as my struggles with entering adolescence but she knew. Deep down she knew. I have forgiven her for that however. Not because she deserves it but because for my own peace I wanted to. She is too important to me. I love her too much to let her go. So we don't discuss it. It may never come up again. I have chosen not to be bitter or angry. I will never bring it up to her because that would be a slap in the face to her. I have chosen to love her and forgive. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even harder than the abuse. I hope you can find some peace to. I am here to help it I can....Just let me know....
As for myself, I am thankful to know that I can talk with someone if needed. I am having some difficulty with bitterness. My mom know but she also worried about apearances. This is odd because my dad had a terrible reputation as a mean drunk . I believe it is so wonderful and strong of you to be able to forgive your mom. Did you journal? How were you able to keep moving forward to your healing? 
 
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ragdoll
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December 26, 2005, 5:50 pm PST

Thank you MIka

Quote From: mjkkas

I totally understand about being in a small town and everything  

you said, really. It is all hard to have to deal with, but at some point 

you will see that you have to come first. Trying to make everyone 

happy and doing all that you are, is not going to change them. You 

can only change them. 

Your mother is blaming you for this, because she doesn't understand 

it and/or she doesn't want to take responsibility for her lack of 

protection of you...so she blames you. You were a child and it was  

not your fault. 

My mother took me to the doctors too when I was young and 

she held me down so he could examine me, alot of traumatic things. 

You will do what you can right now, that is OK. Just make sure that you 

keep in mind that you deserve to get better and that it can be with them or  

without them. There is nothing wrong with that, honest. You don't need 

any more toxic stuff in your life, so just work on being more loving to you 

and work on getting where you are strong enough to do what it best for you. 

I am in no way saying to stay in this or get out of it, even though I think 

that is best. I just realize that is is very hard to do, but it can be done :) 

Good luck to you and I am sorry it tool me so long to respond to you,  

it has been very busy for me and I haven't been on much at all. 

  

Happy New Year to you!! 

  

Start by thinking of what I said and know that you are not alone! 

It must have been painful for you to share and I am grateful for your bieng so open. What is at least one step you took toward learning how to nurture yourself?
 
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ragdoll
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December 26, 2005, 6:01 pm PST

I did confront my abuser before he died

actually in front of my mother. He denied it of course and things did get ugly. He tried to beat me up but did not suceed. She just went on as if it never happened. One thing I have never known my father to ever ever do is take responisbility of any mistakes he made. It was always someone elses fault. I did come to peace with that and was able to forgive him but I really struggle with my mom. As a mother of girls myself I could never ever imagine allowing or suspecting such a thing and not do anything about it. When the pass the ages and stages and the memories come flooding in no matter how hard I fight not to remember I feel the depth of what I feel as ultimate betrayal.  Sooo, I 'm still working on this one and it is taking some time. I have learned alot about my mother which is actually helping me at least understand. She covers things up, avoids dealing with any issue (like an ostrich hiding in the sand) I occured to me that she feels / felt powerless to make signifigant changes in her life. as if she were already defeated without even trying.
 
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ragdoll
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December 26, 2005, 6:09 pm PST

A few things to keep in mind

Quote From: labelfree

No I do NOT work for Dr. Phil!

 

He just saved my life 54 days ago....

 

Then I will tell you after you read it How to confront your abuser!

 

Respect the process please....

 

 

xoxoxox

 Here is what I learned. You should make sure that you have some kind of support, from a friend, pastor, councelor etc. Write down what you want to say and review this until you are confident. Keep in mind that you may not be able to get closure with this. Decide now what your risks vs benifit will be and also decide what it is you want to accomplish. Be prepared for rejection. The person may suprise you and acknoledge you but  most likely, I am guessing that will not be the case. Have a plan about how you will deal with the outcome of this. Do not vent this information during a disagreement. It did not take much to provoke my abuser. All I did was state the situation and ask "why". Things did not go well for me. It took years to work through it all. Blessings and I wish you all the best.
 
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ragdoll
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December 26, 2005, 6:21 pm PST

I am so amazed!

Quote From: dramamama

Pray. You believe in God? Pray! He is always listening and He is always on YOUR side! Pray!
"Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened....." Pray! I will be praying for you too!
 I dreaded Christmas at the inlaws and have been praying through this whole thing. Would you believe I actually recieved an unsolicited apology? That they want to make amends with me????I nearly fainted! It was down right scary! Treated me like a person! I still don't quite trust them but I am willing to forgive and begin again with my inlaws. I am worried that this may just be efffects from a new medication she is taking and that she does not mean what she says. Even offred to take me to a spa--one of those places that massage you, give you a facial, do your hair and nails????
 
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mjkkas
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December 26, 2005, 7:58 pm PST

Ragdoll

Quote From: ragdoll

It must have been painful for you to share and I am grateful for your bieng so open. What is at least one step you took toward learning how to nurture yourself?

Counseling!! 

  

I also would write down in a notebook, all the things I felt about 

myself. At that time it was all negative. My therapist would read 

the list and then have me change all of them into a positive. 

It was very hard for me to do, but writing it down and then having  

to read it back to her the following week (even harder) really did make 

a difference. 

  

I think one of the hardest (just one, lol) was to trust my gut and my 

perceptions of things. I used to always think that if I felt funny around 

a guy that it was because I was abused. When in reality, it was that the 

guy was really a jerk. Also that I was responsible for everything bad  

that happened to all around me. 

  

Even when I was being abused by my mothers 4th husband, in front of her. 

She would tell me that I just needed to get used to it, because he was just 

affectionate. It was really confusing for me, because it felt so wrong 

and yet my mother was saying that it was OK. So that is what I mean when 

I say to trust your gut. I know not everyone had the same experiences as 

me, but still I think most of us struggle with that. 
 
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