Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

just thought i would say hi.  ive been away for a bit, and just trying to get back to some what of a normal existance.  not easy.  im still really struggling a lot.  ended up in icu and spent some time in the hospital.  it really really sucks that the aftermath of abuse seems to hang on forever!!! 

hope all is ok with you all. 

Well, you gotta start somewhere...you are vindicated in not trusting them...they haven't given you a reason too have they?....but to learn to trust again is what has been robbed of you....you can do it but it will take a lot of courage and reassurance....and you will have to learn to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt...and know that you may be betrayed again.....it sucks doesn't it...I had to do the same thing...but it was worth it for my kids and my husband and our relationship....I had to rely on God to become bigger than myself....I pray all the time.....what it does is change your outlook and that is what helps create peace....my husband has to be very honest with me and I have to feel safe to be honest with him, no matter how much it hurts....honesty is the most important thing to me....I hate secrets....but I had to learn to draw the line with my husband and HE talks to his family...not me....not us....it's his family and he has to deal with them....you will come out the bad guy everytime...talk through him as much as possible...get yourselves on the same page....communicate A LOT!.....remember he is still her little boy no matter how old he gets.....it's difficult but it can be done....how does your husband feel...? 

  

Oh definitely! I threw them away when I felt I had dealt with those sets of problems and had gone on. It was for me a way to release it and let go....wasn't necessary but I wanted to rid myself of it and let go....not keep digging up the hatchet ya know? I was so bitter and angry for so long....it affected everything...it was eating me up! All I wanted by becoming bitter was for someone to say it was right for me to be mad....I wanted the right to be upset...I never felt I had that.....My dad' s dad was a drunk...I am thankful I don't know that experience first hand but he told me horrible stories of abuse from his childhood at the hands of his father....and the shame....similar to how I felt about my abuse....but we have nothing to be ashamed of...do we? I read some books. Christian ones and non-christian...I went through counseling.....both individual and marriage....it affects your whole family....it's like a contagious disease...like a legacy that gets passed from generation to generation....I wrote a poem about that once....threw it away...wish I'd kept that one....well, it's written in heaven I guess....I reached out for help wherever I could and that was hard....I am so independent. I hate asking for help, but I learned that that is what life is all about isn't it? Helping others and leaning on each other....We lean on God too..He is the greatest. I prayed aloud and in my journal...I bought devotional books  and started a quiet time of 5 minutes or less to read the Bible, pray, and learn...It helps...I am so glad to be able to help or just be here....you are beginning to mean alot to me...don't mean to get mushy but I can understand you...you know? I want more than anything to help those who have gone through sexual abuse...it's like a calling...I'm drawn to it...weird...lol...I am so glad things are improving for you....there will be moments when the world will seem to come to a end...just never give up....keep fighting...you're a fighter aren't you?

I am so sorry about that, being in ICU!?!? 

I have really been worried about you. I am glad 

that you let us know. You didn't do anything to  

hurt yourself did you? (sorry if that is too personal) 

I hope not, you are very dear. 

I know that you are struggling and having such a  

hard time. You are right...it really does suck that 

abuse seems to hang on forever. Just remember 

though, that it does get better, it isn't always like  

this, I know. Please take care!! 

I am glad to hear from you and have been wondering how things were going for you.  It doesn't sound good if you were in the icu.  Do you want to tell us about it?  If not, that is ok.  

I would agree that it does suck that we seem to always have the abuse as part of us.  I guess we just have to make it as small a part as possible by making other, better things define more of us.  That's what I'm thinking now anyway, but am still working on it.  Keep in touch.  

My hubby is learning how to be supportive. He is the ostrich type. I hate confrontations also. One thing that helped was to understand that my mother in law is actually bi polar-manic depresive. I read all the information I  could find about the illness in order to have a better understanding of what she is dealing with. I will try the suggestion --turning negative comments into positive from the journaling. This is tougher than I thought. I am also amazed about how some of you report feeling like everything bad that goes on around you is somehow your fault. That rings a bell for me too. I have been afraid to love or even feel joy because it seemed like I would be punished for it. I know this is irrational thinking. I have had the courage to acknowledge that I have survived abuse so servere it is a wonder that I alive. I am hanging on to the fact that I am alive and it must be for a reason. It has been a tough road. I suffered severe clinical depression for a while. I believe God is healing me. I have been medication free for over 2 years. Some days are still better than others. My favorite movie quote (from Steal Magnolias) is "I'd rather have 10 mns of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special".  Now that is a loaded statement on soooo many levels! Live moment by moment is what that statement means to me and I cling to it. 

  

as some of u know, i was really struggling a short time ago with major depression, current domestic abuse and flashbacks over past sexual abuse.  i had finally come to a boiling point and i ended up in icu because i attempted to end my pain and suffering.  the road is still rocky, trust me, sometimes i still believe that death ends all pain.  i became very overwelmed and felt very alone.  i didnt think that i had any support or friends around and took an overdose.  i know coward way out.  i am back in therapy twice a week and trying to really deal with current issues and stay in touch with people.  i have daily contact with a friend and my councelor.  she is still concerned about my safety, so we have daily checks.   

the flashbacks are still happening, but not as intense.  in counceling, it was decided that the past issues needed to be put on the back burner so to speak and try to get a handle on current issues.  i cant deal with the past abuse when i am still currently being abused. 

i am trying to just take minute by minute right now.  the holiday was difficult.  i really miss my oldest daughter, (she passed away 18 yrs ago) and every holiday i try to get to her grave, and this year i just couldnt go. 

i hope you all take care of yourselves and i sincerely hope that i havent disappointed too many of you.  i know i have let a lot of people down, including myself, but i am trying to move foreward from here. 

christy 

NEVER!! I am in no way disappointed in you! I am just 

glad that you are OK, I have been so worried about you. 

I think your therapist is right, you need to work on the current 

crisis, that is enough to have to deal with. 

I am so sorry about losing your daughter, I could not imagine 

losing one of my children, my heart goes out to you. 

Be kind to yourself and be forgiving to you and don't beat yourself 

up. We care and I am so glad that you are getting the support you  

needed and still do need. My prayers are with you. 

I still cry when I see it, wah! You are on the right track, keep it up. 

I told you that it was hard to change the negatives into positives. 

I think it is something we could all do more frequently, at least me. 

Yes the thoughts that we create the bad things, I wonder why that 

is, I think for me, my mother always told me that, but I have noticed 

that alot of us feel that way. It isn't like we think the world revolves  

around us, but others would probably perceive that we do. I think 

it is a totally different thing, I could be wrong though. What do any of you 

others think about this? 

  

P.S. You go Girl!! 

when i was younger i was sexually abused and for years i have had dreams of being raped, molested or someone is after me........  one night i had a dream and i woke up and had starting doing something i am ashamed of and makes me feel even more disqusting and ashamed.  i fought it and then finally started doing good for a while and then some nights ago i had another dream of being raped and did it again and for some reason i keep wanting to do it more and more but really i don't want to.....  it is disqusting and i feel so ashamed and it is so wrong....  i wish the dreams and everything would just go away.....  there is so much more to go with it and i just don't know what to do... i just don't understand........  i already have an ed and do self harm and i feel like this other thing i caught myself doing is looks down in shame.........  oh i can't even say anything else........  i know this is personal but i just am having a hard time right now and needed to take it somewhere.......  God must not like this at all, i knowi  don't