Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

That's great! Good for you! Praise God! Don't worry......there may still be hope for you and your Mom.....pray for her...maybe as she sees the changes in you she will change as well.....my Mom did......after I gave my testimony in church she swore she would never step foot in my church....but after some time and realizing that I didn't blame her for the abuse and that whatever responsibliity she had she was forgiven for, she did go to church with me....we don't always see eye to eye but she loves and respects me and I her............In the meantime, you are right to try to focus on your healing....no one can be responsible for your own happiness, you must choose to be happy......and you are..........there will be many other aha moments and I hope you and your daughter can reconcile....just remember that you owe her nothing more than being a mother......you can't be her God....I have a 3 year old myself and I have learned as much from her as she has from me if not more....I love her with all my heart and I want to be everything for her but know I can't.....all she wants from me is for me to be her mom.........that's it.........she loves without question and forgives without hesitation....because she is my daughter and I am her mom.......She loves me because I love her.......it's as simple as that.......and I don't think anything will ever change that.....your daughter is still your little girl and somewhere she is still the little girl who wants to be a big girl and have her Mommy and Daddy be so proud of her......you can't protect her from hurt...life is full of it.....you can only be there to support her in whatever way she needs it........for what its  worth I am proud of you and I hope that others will be inspired by your revelations.........and for the record....we need more Dr. Phil's and Robins in this world.......but I know what you meant.....  :-) Keep on keeping on.....I will continue to pray for you............"We are more than conquerors....." Romans 8:37-39

Sweetie call your dr. You mentioned that you had a med change lately. No one desrves to hurt/burn themsleves. Call your dr. immediately.

Even if you "feel" like you deserve it, part of you seems to "know" that that you don't and should not do it.  It seems your emotions have taken charge though.  If someone else (like you) told you that she was hurting herself, you would try to stop it and say you don't "deserve" to be hurt.  On some level, I would bet you beleive it.  I think you should call your counsellor and tell her what you are doing to yourself and that it is hard to stop on your own.  You need to be protected from yourself and you need to be safe until you can work some of this out.  Maybe he/she can see you more quickly or maybe he/she will have some suggestions for you to get you through the weekend.  You are holding guilt for things and that guilt needs to be released.  I don't know your story, but I would bet you're blaming yourself for things because people in your past blamed you.  That does NOT mean you are to blame.  That means this guilt that you have should NOT be there.  Someone put it there, but you don't deserve that guilt and you don't deserve to be hurt.  Please call your counsellor right away.

i don't feel like i can really call her and talk to her about it.  i do not really know her a lot so i am still trying to build trust and a lot more.  yeah when i look at other peoples life i am like no you do not deserve it but when i look at my life i feel like i do.  what stinks is even though i know there are emotions there i can not really identify or feel those emotions.  it seems like almost everythiing i do i feel like i should not have done it or it is not ok liike i just did something wrong.  it iis like those things are fine for someone else but when it comes to me it's a different story.  i can't even seem to allow myself to laugh or have a good time without feeling like i am doing something wrong.  the thing that stinks about that is i know i love laughter and fun things i just feel so bad when or after i do it.  sometimes for a brief moment i step out of that and enjoy myself but it always seems to good to last.  you are really nice and the way you said what you did makes a lot of since!!  have you ever felt like nothing you do is ever good enough like it can always be better?  hm. 

Geez...I thought I was doing ok on this issue....but this is the hardest thing I have ever done.....I am so paranoid that I will be betrayed by someone I love and trust again that I second guess everyone....Does anyone else feel like your crazy? I put people under the gun basically....and then I don't believe what they say even when they say what I hoped they would....I am so afraid that I will miss something......That I will find out they are lying to me.....Not everyone....men mostly....I know why...I know what is happening but I have to be sure......I have to hear it and constantly get reassurance that everything is ok.......I am better but I fight so hard.....sometimes I just get tired....and I have to search for the peace. It is much easier that it was but still not so easy........Makes me tired.....

I have the same trust issues. They nearly ruined my marriage but fortuanately for me my hubby is determined to stick with come what may till death do us part. Recently, he recommited his love to me. Persoanlly, I do not think this is crazy. I feel that it is our own natural tendancy to want to avoid pain, it is natural to want to protect yourself. Sometimes I get angry becaue I want to go back in time and defend the helpless little girl that I was and to put people in thier place, to fight to my own death if neccessary.  It is that feeling that I will not allow myself to ever be a victum again. It gets worse when at times I do still feel like a victum, even helpless like the little girl I was. I still cannont understand why this happened and honestly I am not sure I want to . I cannot relate to anyone who could do such a thing to a person then blame the victum. Worse how family can cover it up pretend it didn't happen and blame the victum.  I still have issues due to constant attacks from family members. The anger just rises up in me sometimes. But being able to recognize my issues allows me to plan , to think things through, to prepare myself to react in a way that will not leave me the victum or lash out to someone who does or does not dersrve it.  At least maby react in a non distructive way. One trigger is being attacked for my parenting skills by someone who is clueless. I have worked extensively with that. I know I am a darn good mother.  Maby things don't  always work out as I plan but I tell myself that that is ok because I am alive, growing and learning.  Since you reconginze the issue the good news is that you can work on it. You are not alone I constantly need reassurance and it wears me out as well as those around me. I am working on building self confidence and overcoming insecurity. You know it is not easy. Journaling has helped me. At frist writing things down was hard. I did not want anyone to find it and read it. Thankfully, there are online diaries like the ones here. They can be made private or public. You can delete or keep it to read and reflect on later. I have one word of caution. If you use Dr P's diary be sure and copy to paste after you edit and before you post your entlry because I have had problems with everything I type being deleted somehow. This way I can simply paste if I have a problem then post it.

Ok, I think you said your appointment is tomorrow.  You have nothing to lose by being honest with your therapist and telling her what you are doing and how you feel.  You are going to her for help and that can only happen if you open up.   Tell her that you are concerned about your reactions to your emotions yet you can't seem to stop yourself.  Tell her how confusing it all is to know you shouldn't yet feel like you deserve it.  And you feel guilty about having a good time & laughing.  Anything I do can be better and anything anyone does (almost always) can be done better.  There are some people who can never be pleased and will always tell you that what you did could be done better.  It's best to ignore those people.  You need to realize that life is not about doing things in the best way.  It's about doing good things that you enjoy.  Instead of perfection, look for achieving happiness in what you do.  It's just a change in your focus.  Who cares if you could do better at something?  Did you get that message growing up that you should do better?  Throw out that message and replace it with: Am I doing something that I enjoy?  Am I doing something good for me?others?  I am working on changing my focus and I am hoping it will also help me define more of my true self.  Perhaps you will be able to do that too.

i feel guilty when i start to enjoy myself like i am doing something wrong like it is not ok......  it doesn't seem ok to do something for me i feel bad like i should not........  i am fine with others doing it, i tell them have a good time you deserve it....... and i can say all kinds of good things about others...........hmmmm.......  yeah..........  i even keep trying to pick up a book to read it and then feel like i should be doing school work that i should have somthing to do.......  even when i don't....... then i feel bad because i am not doing something......... it drives me crazy not having anything to do....... very crazy.. hm yeah.........