Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

"And he continues to do what he's doing, and you two have what I call non-directional frustration," says Dr. Phil. "Since you don't know what to do with him, since you can't get that to change, you kind of vent toward each other. It's kind of, 'I'm so frustrated, and I can't do anything here, so I'm going to pull back from my partner. I'm going to go into a shell.'" 

This is something DrP said in a show the other day and I thought it might apply to you, me, all of us who were not able to do anything about the abuse we went thru because of our young age.  It is about control or lack or it.  We had no control over what happened to us over and over again, and our only control was to hide our emotions and pretend we were ok.  We couldn't show our emotions then and it became a habit to say we are ok when really we aren't.  It is ok to feel what is hurting you it's just that we never learned how to express it.   

I'm sorry you are feeling down.  You lost someone who was very special to you and you do need to give yourself time to feel the loss.  When you say that you learned to shut off and not feel, I'm not sure if I feel exactly the same way.  I feel and have learned to cover up how I feel and discount it.  I don't want to appear weak that way.  When I get upset in therapy, I feel like I should appologize because I don't want to show that emotion and I fight internally to hold it all back.  I rarely ever say how I really feel if someone asks....the answer is "fine" and I try to put on the "I'm fine" face when out with people.  Positive emotions are just fine to express, but sadness is one I try to hide usually.  This is what I did as a child to cover up how I felt so that the rest of my world thought I was fine.   

Is it that you truly don't feel and are completely numb and you feel that something is wrong with that or do you feel, then push back those emotions so they don't show? 

I heard "children are to be seen and not heard" too when I was young.  I hated that.   I felt so small.   

I always had emotions, but some emotions I did not let out and had to hide because my true feelings/sadness did not fit the mold of who I was suppose to be.  I did not acknowledge some of my true emotions and used to think of something logical to myself to distract myself from allowing my sadness or hurt to show.  Now when I feel those emotions, I am not sure what to do because I feel like I'm losing control.  I shouldn't be emotional like that.  I am sensitive and feel sympathy & love for others, but it is hard for me to acknowledge my own emotions and I will try to block.  When I can't, I feel like a floodgate is breaking and I've got to stop it.  I try to tell people when I love them or care about them or appreciate them.  When I feel used or abused or taken for granted, I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings.  I turn inward.  I am able to communicate more easily with my kids though.  Maybe I feel I have to or I have a right to or I'm expected to if I'm to be a good Mom.   I try to make sure that they know I love and care about them and that they know that whatever advice I have it's because I care so much about them.  They don't always want to hear the advice, but I don't think they mind hearing about my love and concern for them.  I have a very hard time being open with other adults.  It's even hard with my therapist.  I do feel vulnerable.  I want people to like me and I feel like if I open up, maybe they won't like me any more.  I have opened up more with a few people and sometimes I feel scared about it and still feel worried about what they think of me (and may not say).  Other times, it feels good to have someone understand me and know me beyond the superficial person I've always felt I should be.  I have had to be brave with some people and just taken a chance.  So far, I'm glad I did.  It does feel less lonely.  I still struggle with opening up, but I think I am making progress.  You do need to pick people who you think are caring and understanding and take a chance with opening up with them.  You might find that your relationship is enriched by it.   

I don't know if anything in my babbling is helpful.  It does feel good to open up here in a place where it seems protected in a way. 

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to post, but it's the closest thing I've found, so I guess I'll give it a shot. 

I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend and my friend's older brother (not both of them at the same time, thank God) when I was a freshman in high school.  Though it was almost a decade ago, I just started the whole healing thing in the last couple years.  I've been doing really well until lately, when something threw me into a tailspin. 

A friend from high school talked me into joining myspace and making a page (that's a website that makes it easier to keep track of old friends), and while searching for friends, I stumbled across HIS page (the boyfriend).  It was like a bad accident--I knew I should stay away, but I just couldn't, and I now I know way more than I should about him, his life, his friends, his WIFE.... 

It's been horrible.  First, i wanted to scream and cry and throw up and throw my comptuer through the wall.  Then I just... Shut down.  And that's where I am now, stuck in numbness. 

This bites 

I am looking for a way to confront my step father for abusing me for 9 years of my life. From the time I was 5 til I was 14 I was molested by him almost on a daily basis. When the time came that I had to report what was happening to me, I was just sent off to school. From there I was taken into Children shelters, foster homes and group homes til I reached 18. My mother chose to have my step father with her and left me in the care of the state. SHe then moved away so I have not much contact with her. Up until the last year we have finally have come back together and are a little closer then we used to be. Altho I hold a lot of resentment for what she did. But now I want to get off my shoulder about how I feel to my step father. I want to tell him how it made me feel then how it makes me feel now and how it affected my life and relationships that I have been in. He was never prosecuted for the molestation. Not even a dont do it again or slap on the hand. Now when I discuss with my mother whom is still with the man, that I want to do it, and when I want to do it, she comes up with excuses for him as to why its a bad day to confront him. SHe seems to always protect him and she never protected me. I need advice on how I can get her to agree to a time for this to take place. And what should I say when the time came? I am really torn up about this and dont know if confronting my abuser will make the pain any less but he needs to know how I feel about what happened and stop pretending that it never took place. Any comments are welcome.  

Here are some thoughts to consider and a little of what happend to me when I confronted my abuser. I was molested by my father from a very young age. My mother sided with him because she just did not want to face things. IN reality she was trying to protect herself more than anything. Projecting blame and using avoidance are simple defense mechanisims. (I have read alot of books and this is what I have learned but I don't claim to be an expert)  Keep in mind that people like this are great manipulators. Avoid thier games be aware. ( I am referring to people who hurt those who cannont defend themsleves such as child molesters) Don't confront him in anger however as in the case with my dad, he always had a chip in his shoulder. So it was never a good time to talk with him. He attemepted to beat me to a pulp, denied it ever hapened.. So here is the deal. Controntation is painful. There are some people who do recieve healing if things go well. It sounds like your mom does not want to own or face any of this and will not be of any assistance. By avoiding the responisibility she avoids accepting any responsibility for protecting him and disbeliveing you. Your abuser may refuse to acknowledge what he did. Since your mom protects him it would be a safe bet that he will not be aproachable.  You will need to have strong emotional support from a trusted person in your life. I would write him a letter and either hand it to him and walk away , have a trusted friend make sure he gets it you could even send it by certified mail. Know what it is you need to gain from this exp for your healing. Write this in a journal for your personal use. If you choose to write the letter and to journal take your time. Write it. Put it away. Bring it out again read it and edit if needed.  Prepare as best you can how the abuser's reaction to you will affect you. Decide for yourself what risk is involved for you comapred to the benifit for you. I wish you all the best and pray tha God will bless and protect you through your journey to healing. The bes advice I can offer is to turn to Jesus. Through my relationship with him I have found tremendous healing. It did not happen overnight and I still have a loooong way to go. Good healing requires time and a willing heart. Don't give up.