Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Thank you MJ for your encouragement.   It helps to know that someone hears me and understands & can relate.  You are an inspiration; you endured more than I.  I do feel weak in comparison.   

I want more than this rollercoaster of feeling bad for myself yet I can't seem to get it.  I can't get the love, support & respect that I need from my husband.  I can't get it from myself either.  I wish I could break free from this frozen ...I can't find the words.  I feel so trapped by my life and by myself and by the way I react to my own hopeless feelings.    I'm sorry to complain, but no one is here at home to hear me.  I wish I could find that stronger part of me to pull through the day to a brighter tomorrow.  Do you know what I mean? 

I hope it goes well.   

I had a few tough days, but am doing a little better today. 

Take care. 

I am glad that you are feeling better, I can so relate 

to what you have said. I am sorry I haven't been 

here for a couple of days. I have been having a few 

days like that and try not to let it get me down. Especially 

when I have to focus on other things, like my moving. 

I am kind of in a bind, because I am in so much pain 

I can hardly do anything and if I take a muscle relaxer 

I definitely can't do anything, lol. So far the packing has 

been up to me to do and I really haven't done as much as 

I would have liked. My husband thinks we should move in 

tonight YIKES! 

I will talk to you next week, K? Please take care of YOU! 

What you're doing now, standing up for your daughters, will help them SO MUCH more than you can possibly imagine!!!  Even if the bastard gets off with a slap on the wrist, or worse, nothing, they will always know that a)you believed them and b)you did what you could to see him punnished.  So many parents either deny that anything happened, or try to push it under the rug, and that hurts as much, if not more, than the actual abuse. 

Your girls are lucky to have such a good mama, in this respect :-) 

More than anything, I want to be loved and cuddled.  I don't want sex.  My husband doesn't get it.  How do I get through this to be more normal?  How do I deal with the pressure from my husband when it feels so damaging to me and yet it damages the relationship if I don't give him what he wants sexually.  My past becomes too present and I just can't let it go.  Has anyone figured this out? 

I feel so alone and isolated I have no family and only a few close friends that i cant share all this with , i fell too messed up even for therapy as i am to ashamed .i cant even tell the dog ..I was an unwanted child . after 9 kids and 2 husbands and a war ,kids were a side affect for my mom.she had 9 kids by 4 men an it was all a big secrets a house full of secrets. i never knew rthe truth about any of it untill later .my dad beat all of us especially the boys ..all of the girls married by 16 and my dad becan abusing me by masterbating openly at age 5  {earliest i remember } and orally as often as he could soon after .he would expose himself to me all the time and tell me all the things he used to do to my mom and the prostitutes he would go with .most of my brothers ran away and ended up in foster care . i was sooo scared growing up i became as invisable as i could .. he beat my mom and {my sisters husbands beat on them too }. it was normal i thought .we lived on welfare in ramshackle places and moved all the time .none of us had any friends everybody at school made fun of me because i wore ratty clothes.my dad would make me wear short dresses with no panties .well ..dad  was amad drunk and he would come and go from the house  years of this .my mom would let him back when she needed money an it would start again untill she threw him out .they would go drinking together and drag me along leaving me in hotel lobbies or on bus stops to wait for them sometimes for hours ..  .no teachers ever noticed i was in trouble .. one day when i was about 12 my dad tried to molest me again and when i fought him he called me dirty names and i ran away .. no one reported me missing .. when i called my mom after a month she jus said "oh its u " where have u been .I hung up on her i was devastated i knew she didnt care ,now i had proof. ive been a surviver {or trying to still be one} as i feel so unworthy of love .. if any man is nice to me i figure he just doesnt know me well enuff and i would never tell them this stuff this is jus a sample of some of the things ive been thru  does anyone undrstand or care?how horrible is it .. am i a child now an adult born to be abused .my mom aways told me she was gonna adopt me out like she did a couple of the older ones but my dad said no its a girl we,ll keep it ..i fantasize what my life could have been had i been adopted ..however i was terrified of foster care it seamed like aplace kids go to b punished . anyway i have my own son now and hes fine .3 yrs old.  i am just lonely as we have no family and surprise ! his dads a dead beat and an abuser..so i am sooo sooo scared to forever be alone with my demons . help? 

L 

Hi Lookin...  

I have wanted the same thing for so long.  If you remember, I was dealing with current abuse issues and dealing with flashbacks from my childhood, and not dealing well. 

after I attempted suicide in January 06, my spouse woke up!  I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO TRY THIS!!  I dont know what made him wake up, but he finally did.  while in the hospital, i was able to meet with him and a 3rd party.  i was able to tell him just how i felt! used, abused, dirty and everything else that i was feeling.  after 1 1/2 hr i had told him just about everything.  he didnt realize what i was going through.  or at least didnt know to what extent i was.  after i was totally honest with him, and shared a lot of tears together, we decided that we were going to work through this together instead of against each other.  its not easy by any means.  but I can tell you that the last 4 weeks have been a lot better.  we were actually able to be intimate last weekend and i didnt have any flashbacks or dreams or problems.  and it felt wonderful to be held tight. 

I dont know if any of this will help you.  i know how you feel.  ive been there!  I guess, if I could suggest something, it would be to be honest with your spouse.  maybe involve him in your counseling.  it is very true that sometimes, they just dont have a clue. 

I wish you luck my friend.  I know that you are going through a rough time, remember that you do have friends and support here.  remember to reach out!! 

Take care of YOU!