Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

I was so afraid i would get up this morning and find no reply to my message ,so thank you its bittersweet to know that I am not alone .I AM sorry u went through what u did ,I  believe that everyone elses problems or wants were far more important then mine, think I just more than anything wanted some one to understand what i went through and just tell me how terrible it was and give me a big hug .and show me how to get on with it .howreal love can be .unconditional ..but people ive tried to confide in, iether feel sorry for me, or are disgusted or dont know how to act .so i keep it inside .a walled off emotion ,even to myself at times . i cannot form real attachements to men as i have an inherant distrust and i alweays have secrets . 

i am very independant and have been used  , as i am such a people pleaser trying to buy love with my body or services . so the last few years ive really tried to stand up for myself more and am re evaluating the people in my life and i find as i pull in what they want from me, they dont call so much ..male and female .. when i stopped being avilable for taxi service that person stopped calling etc. I still have a couple of close people but i still feel im deprived socially ..how does a 45 yr old woman get over herself long enuff to get happy ..geesh ..oh yeah and due to my typo i made a mistake my son is 13 not 3 lol thank god .. ..and yes the writing does help , and also on the night i cant sleep i read dr phils page .life strategies.it eases the anxiety attacks  somewhat and gets me focused .on a goal although its a lot easier to say thrn do that stuff .. without support at least..so thx again.L 

Thats what my whole life has been.  I remember at the age of 18, having just had a baby after a traditional "shotgun" wedding sitting infront of the TV watching a Documentary.  It all came back to me in a matter of seconds.  The documentary was on Incest...  Finally I had a name for what was wrong with me.  My earliest recollection is from the age of 5.  Every Friday night Gran or Grandad would come and pick me up to go stay at thier country home.  Every Sunday after Mass and a family gathering I went back home.  I grew up beleiving that this was my punishment for being bad.  My mother told me when I asked her at the age of 9, why do I have to go to Grandads every weekend, that if I was not so naughty I would be allowed to stay home.  Today I still have triggers, like how old mens fingers feel, thier hair smells, old peoples bed sheets, tick tick of the old fashioned clocks, and the creaking of the floorboards that happened as soon as Gran went to work.  Every weekend until I was 14.  By that stage I had managed to secure a weekend job that did not make it "workable" for my parents or grandparents to pick me up. 

I became a Christain 5 years ago and even that started triggers again.  You see Gran and Grandad were devout Catholics..... and in the room I slept in they had a picture of Jesus holding the ruby heart in His hand.  I have only just learnt forgiveness to Him for looking down on me and not helping..... for re-enforcing that this was my lot, all I deserved.   

And then at eh age of 13 I remember going away with my Father for a weeks holiday.  While we were away he spent the week blatantly abusing me sexually.   

By the time I met my first boyfriend at the age of 15, I was ready to get out of that family.  So he moved in with me into my flat and never moved out.  I fell pregnant..... I remember the night my daughter was born I was so devasted.  No one ever understands that although in my mind I rejected her it was out of sorrow.  I didn't want to bring another victim into the world.   It has not helped in out current relationship.  Over the years I have been instantly attracted to controlling, abusive men and the attraction has always been sexual.  10 years ago I was working in the Sex Industry, still under the illusion of this is my lot.  Currently I am a single mother to a 8 year old boy.  And the extreme of my life is that now I lead a totally celibate life.   I quite often get asked why?  The only answer I have is that on a sexual level I am so secure in who I am and now I need to know the other parts of me.  Up until the last 2 years I have been detached, aggressive, and always seemingly in control.  Having a desire to have control over my life has been a major force. 

Would I be where I am today on a journey of liking and loving myself if it had not been for any of my past?   I dont think so.  But I wouldn't want this on anyone.  I got so sick of people telling me that God will use this, it used to make me so angry.  I spent 20 years not talking to my family because of the situation and deceit amidst them.  But with time healing is happening in me.......  

its a never ending journey and I am grateful for it because the person I am today I truly respect and like... 

Be strong and never give up on yourself when it seems everyone else has... 

  

  I am new to the boards and just saw this one today.  I too, was molested (such a nice word for what really happend) from the time I was 5 to 15 by my stepfather.  I never told a soul about it when it was happening because he convinced me that my family wouldn't love me or believe me. When that stopped working he convinced me that he would kill me but by the time I was 9 I wanted to die so that didn't work anymore either.  He started in on "he would kill my mother and I would be left alone with him because no one else could or would love me".  That got me to shut up for several more years.  I remember wanting to die by the time I was 6.  I was an only child, my father had disappeared from my life, and the "step" kept me from forming any lasting relationships by moving every 6 weeks to 6 months.  Went to 22 different schools by the time I was in 5th grade.  He was such a good con artist.  By the time I was 18 he had been out of my life for 2 and 1/2 years and I was seriously looking for a way to die.  I was also self-medicating myself with pot and sleeping with my boyfriend (and had been for a long time).  At 17 I hooked up with a 46 year old man, and I didn't see anything wrong with the relationship.  (Let me tell you as the mother of 3 girls, I would kill a 46 year old man for trying to date my 17 year old.)  Ironically, he was the one that started me on the process of forgiveness.  It took until I was 20 to forgive myself and until I was 22 to forgive my molester and my parents and extended family.  I never told my extended family until  the last few years what happend, and they weren't really surprised.  I am now 39.  I have never confronted my molester.  I did try to get him for child molesting but by the time I had lost my fear and reported it the statue of limitations were up.  Since I hadn't forgotten it I couldn't prosecute.  About 5 years ago I thought I saw him in a store and I was dismayed at my reaction to him.  I started shaking, couldn't speak or breath and just about passed out from the fear.  I couldn't even tell my husband that I thought I recognized him because of the fear.  My husband wants to kill this man or at the least knock him around.  In the last 2 years I have tried to find him, I not sure I want to confont him but I do want to know what he is up to and if he is around children or not.  I know I wasn't the first child he molested and I wasn't the last.  I know if I saw him I would still freeze with fear but I think I can overcome it now.  I have never spoken to a therapist about this, I have never read books about it, but I did learn to forgive myself first and then forgive my relatives that should have protected me and finally I learned that I had to forgive him.  If I didn't the anger would have destroyed me and he would still have all the  power, still control me.  That is not something I will allow!  I pray for everyone on this board that they can learn to forgive and let the anger go because your life and your family and friends life will be much better.

I live in a small town.ABOUT almost 2 years ago i went to pick my daughters up from school.I got the most horrid surprize of my life!Coming out of my childrens school was my ex step uncle that molested me when i was 4 and 5 years old!!!with a small child in tow!at first i was just stood there.then ,the child said"posey you aren't taking me to your house today are you""i really want my mommy"! All i wanted to do was grab her and run away!I knew i couldn't .so,i did the only thing i knew to do.I came home and called the school tring to find out who the child was.i reported to the school.They told me their was nothin they could do and if,i was uncomfortable with him being in my childs school maybe,I SHOULD CHANGE SCHOOLS!!!I then went down to local police dept. and filed a complaint becuase all the victoms never stood up against this monster that lived between the jr. high and high school,worked for the city of el reno and rode with children he was molesting for over 20 years,a town that knew and was told he was molester,just let him do so!the police took my statement and did nothin becuase,the other childhood victoms that i knew would not testify against him!I was on my own !TRYING TO SAVE A CHILD FROM MY FATE!well no matter what i did i ran into brick wall after brick wall!About a year and half later.I got a call from dec.moore of the el reno police dept.She was calling me to ask if i would still testify against him.i said yes of coarse but,asked what happened ?I was informed he had charges brought against him in a case involing 4 children under the age of 10!I tried since i was 4 years old to get some one in this town to stop this man!NObody did a thing !when i saw the title to confront your molester i.I thought i want to comfront my molester and the town that let him hurt so many children!!!and ask WHY??why did it go on for so many years?why did the city that was told stop him from riding around with kids in a city truck?so many whys and no ansewers!DR.PHIL isn't it time we not only confront molesters but,the people that allow it to happen!!!thanks MELANIE COFFEY

I live in a small town.ABOUT almost 2 years ago i went to pick my daughters up from school.I got the most horrid surprize of my life!Coming out of my childrens school was my ex step uncle that molested me when i was 4 and 5 years old!!!with a small child in tow!at first i was just stood there.then ,the child said"posey you aren't taking me to your house today are you""i really want my mommy"! All i wanted to do was grab her and run away!I knew i couldn't .so,i did the only thing i knew to do.I came home and called the school tring to find out who the child was.i reported to the school.They told me their was nothin they could do and if,i was uncomfortable with him being in my childs school maybe,I SHOULD CHANGE SCHOOLS!!!I then went down to local police dept. and filed a complaint becuase all the victoms never stood up against this monster that lived between the jr. high and high school,worked for the city of el reno and rode with children he was molesting for over 20 years,a town that knew and was told he was molester,just let him do so!the police took my statement and did nothin becuase,the other childhood victoms that i knew would not testify against him!I was on my own !TRYING TO SAVE A CHILD FROM MY FATE!well no matter what i did i ran into brick wall after brick wall!About a year and half later.I got a call from dec.moore of the el reno police dept.She was calling me to ask if i would still testify against him.i said yes of coarse but,asked what happened ?I was informed he had charges brought against him in a case involing 4 children under the age of 10!I tried since i was 4 years old to get some one in this town to stop this man!NObody did a thing !when i saw the title to confront your molester i.I thought i want to comfront my molester and the town that let him hurt so many children!!!and ask WHY??why did it go on for so many years?why did the city that was told stop him from riding around with kids in a city truck?so many whys and no ansewers!DR.PHIL isn't it time we not only confront molesters but,the people that allow it to happen!!!thanks MELANIE COFFEY

Hello, I have this feeling too.  I  felt like I never had "safe" or protective parents as they were abusive, and I at an early age coped by day dreaming about having a great father figure cuddle me and hold me and treat me the way I child should be.  Even now that I am grown and have a boyfriend, I still use these fantacies to fulfull my needs. 

  

  My boyfriend likes to have sex at least once a day.  Actually I have put the limit on once a day, sometimes less and he acts like I am abusing him when I do this. He would do it 2 or 3 times if he could.  When he used to sulk I would get mad and fight with him because it hurt my feelings/  Also his ex wife, as he told me used sex as bartering tool and he does not want me or anyone else to have his power over him.  I don't want to use sex as way to have power over him, but I can't let someone have power over my body or mind either.   

  

So now when he whines and complains and says he will have to go somewhere else for his sexual needs, I ignore him until he is willing to talk about it rationally.  He knows about my past, yet he doesn't understand the effect it still has on me and the many ways it still effects me.  I don't expect him to, because I still am learning about how this abuse has changed who I am.  Also he was molested as a child as well, this and his power struggle over sex with his ex may play a part in these troubles too.  Another thing I do to cope is tell him I want him to go out and find another outlet for his overactive "NEEDS".  BUT the best stategy I have found was to initiate the action myself if he gives me a change to mention it before he does.  This way he knows I desire him and want to give him what he wants, but I don't feel as pressured.   

  

Talkin about this issue is best left to times when you are not mad about it already, or he isn't looking for action right at that moment.  Tell him why, and what you want, and that you want to give him what he wants without degrading your own right to choice of when you do it.  So that is my advice, I must admit it doesn't always work.  Best of Luck to you!
 

I was sexually abuse from the age of 2 to 18.  By my father who turns out not to be my father. Long story. From the age of 16 to 18 my uncle started in, not touching but hinding in my room opening doors when I'm in the shower, showing his body, and more. 

 I found out that my mother new about the abuse from my father by the court paper I have.  Her statement  was at less he did not have sex with any other woman except my girls.  Trying to take setps to get my life together is hard.  It seems I always reflict on what happened and what my mother had said.  I tried to talk to my mother, but she always says she made peace with it.  I dont know how to make peace with this or how to move on.  Everyone around me thinks that I'm good. but its just a front I put on. Cause to tell the truth I feel like I'm dieing inside. 

hello, i have become another person who has been afflicted with childhood sexual abuse. i know what it is like. i never saw myself as a victim. never. because i told myself that it was never my fault that my dad was such a nasty old man. i never blamed myself either. because i told myself that i am better than this. i was a child when it happened,around 3-4 yrs old. i mean,why blame myself? i didn't know any better,i was a child. i knew it was bad and wrong,any body would know that! i just didn't blame myself. i blamed the adult that knew it was wrong, and did it anyway. not only that,i suffered physical abuse at the hands of my 'dad' . he had this really big thick leather belt.he would double it up,wrap one end of it around his hand,and leave a little strip hanging and beat me and my brothers with it every day. he said that the bible justified him beating us. 'see?' he would say,'the bible says i can beat you with a rod' it was like living in the eye of a hurricane. all lof this yelling,beatingand negativity going on around me,and i was in the center. but i am getting better. day by day,and i know that you will to. you just have to rise above it. you have to know that you are better than the situation that you are in,or have been in. you are better than your past. you are not defined by your past,you are defined by your future. you are defined by your resilient spirit,your strong soul,your willingness to survive. the thicker the mud,the more beautifil the lotus. may you all be blessed.

I've been on here before and talked a little and read a lot about sexual abuse.  I was 8 when my brother sexually abused me.  I hid it for 30 years and I've been in therapy now for 2 years and it's doing me a lot of good.  I think I can reconcile my past but now I still seem to be having trouble with my present situation with my husband who seems to have trouble with me saying no to sex.  I absolutely hate sex.  I have had it with him even when I didn't want to but I can't stand it.  The bedroom is the only thing wrong with our relationship.  Everything else is essentially normal and very manageable.  We have been married 12 years and together 20 years.  He feels like he's a victim too because of what I went through and have been dealing with because he didn't have a normal wife that enjoyed sex like normal women.  I've been up and down with depression and self injury.  They've recently switched my medications and I'm dealing with that but still having depression problems on a daily basis.  I abused alcohol, I abused drugs and I cut myself.  I'm back doing 2 of the 3 of those.  So even when you think you get your past somewhat figured out.  The present comes back to kick you in the ass.  I've told my therapist that I don't want to die but I don't really want to live either. 

  

I myself have been abused by my brother. I was raped continually every day from age 5 until I was 9, when my cousin told on him. I through the past behind me, tried to ignore it, and move on. I wanted to believe that he was completely sorry so I just had the "whatever" attitude as I was ten until my early teens. Now, at 18, and in a serious relationship I'm a complete control freak and have a major phobia of getting hurt. I don't let my boyfriend go anywhere hardly and when he does go out no matter if it's just simply walking his dog, I feel like he's lying and hurting me. 

 

I recently have came up with the conclusion that I never want to see my brother again. I am just like you are in so many ways, but then yet opposite. I am addicted to sex. I have to be held or having sex all the time. I've been told that it's because when I was a little girl and I did that everything was fine. So that's how I react to it now, everything is fine and nobody is arguing or anything. 

 

What I feel bad about the most is that my boyfriend is turning out to be the way I am and it's getting worse. He's actually the only thing that is stopping me from doing what you do, which is cutting yourself. I have been there and it does relieve so much stress. Watching the blood drip down your wrist is just so soothing, you see all your misery just flow out of you. But I know that he couldn't deal with me cutting myself on top of being controlling, so I just resort to writing. Writing does help in so many ways. 

 

What I did was I wrote a letter to my brother saying everything that I've never said but have always wanted to. After I wrote it I just felt so relieved and so much better. You should think about doing that.  

 

But I am right there with you in the same boat. I don't want to die but I don't want to live this way either. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I just sometimes wish I could leave him and go back to my fear of comittment. I used to cheat on every guy I dated so they didn't hurt me. I hurt them first before they even had a chance. But I am scared that if I left Robert I would become a prostitute. 

 

I am here for you. It sounds like we have a lot in common so lets stay in touch and work through this together. Hand in hand - together we can!