Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Healing is what you need.  That's the only way you'll make peace with it.  Find a counselor that you can trust to talk to.  Keep talking until you feel peace.  Quit talking to you mom She'll never understand what you went through.  Find others in your life to talk to.  Find someone who'll support you.  It's hard but it can be done.  I am so sorry that you went through this.  Living a life of abuse as a child isn't easy and now having to live with unhealed feelings isn't easy either.  I understand you pain as my father was one of my abusers at the age of 3 (from what I can remember).  I will send you a safe hug.   

I have survived abuse as a child, I had 2 sisters and two brothers now I have one of each, I am a half sister to my siblings. I am the youngest, their father was an addicted gambler and my mother left him in the year before I was born. She met my father who flew the coop as soon as he found out she was pregnant, so there she was with 5 kids in 1967. She met a man when I was about one, this man was a horror of a human, by the time I was nine I had been hospitalized over 30 times with fractors etc. We moved into his house we were not aloud to step on his front room floor or furntiure, we had to sit on the kitchen floor to watch tv, he threw our beds in the back yard, we lit fires in garbage tins, I got a job after being busted for stealing, there I slept and got food, My brother well he met a man that taught him how to make alot of money, and he did, he got us all a nice place and we all moved in, he was 16. It was a bit hard because of the life he was into, there was alot of drugs and guns and sometimes some folk I was not so keen of, and a bit afraid of, so I slept with a bat to fight of the druged up drunks. All was swell untill the day the door flew of the hinges and the swat team layed every one out, they shot one guy in our yard. My brother was in the wrong place because there at that time 16 was adult age so off to jail he went, my mom didn't know that one of the persons coming to home had raped myself and my sister, after the whole take down shoot out and rape she tried to kill herself and ended up in a coma, a month later he took me, him and his wife. For eight and a half years I was confined sold, tortued, raped then I had a child and that gave me a good reason to go on, so again I tried and I got away. I have done ok, I am no saint, but I am no criminal or bad guy. I have never married, I just relized this, in fact I have never been in a real long term rtelationship and have no desire to or for men, so I thought maybe I am gay, after giving that thought I am not gay, so what am I. Does it matter, I would like to marry one day, I would make a good wife because I would be a good friend, however I need to find why I have not tried this , I haven;t even gone so far as to try and screw up, I just ruled it out altogether. Before jumpimg into anything I want to make sure I have this figured out, I am iffy about sex, I can however it has to be really secure. I don't mean he has to have a house, a good job not that type of secure, I just have to really trust him, problem is out side of me when it comes to me I don't trust anyone.   I am not into controlling others that is far to time consuming, I am into making complete sure no part of my life is at all a risk. I am that dude in apy it forward, I am orderly, I am in complete control of me, at least I think I am, I want to relax, I don't want to be the guard on the top of the tower anymore. I want to know what it is like to be truly happy. I am happy in some ways, but I am fully aware I have lost alot. I am no fool I relize what has been done. Where I was confined he was absolute loon, she was an idiot. He was into weird religions, I had to sit his way, walk his way, look his way, the slightest thing I did wrong, such as sit wrong and I beat, sometimes really really bad, I tried to escape amny times, he shot me once, he was convicted to 22 years she was not because they felt she was made to do it, she made a deal and testified, she was his helper, she did not sexually abuse us, there were others but she would have sex with the men that came for us kids and her husband in front of us, she was very messed up. There was 4 of us, one was their daughter, another strange girl to them myself and a boy. The boy died while we were there, we all got ahold of some drugs used on animals and the 4 of us ate them all. The boy died, the other girl died before trial of a overdose, there daughter had a break down and spent years in a hospital but in 2003 ended her life. He is now a free man. I would like to be to, suggestions on material to help me understand the outcome of confinement like this. How do I relax and join the easy living? I just want to be calm not so wide awake on guard, any suggestions?  

This board has been moving like lightening.  I have pulled myself out of the dark cloud I was in and thought I'd check in here and am awe-struck by the number of posters.  I am so sorry to see so many hurting.  I am feeling much stronger than I have been over the last 2 weeks and so when I have time I will try to share some strength.  That seems to be the way things work here.  We are all struggling because of the terrible things that happened to us and sometimes we each see a piece of the answer to getting past it that we can share.  This is a great place to get understanding and support especially when it seems no one else in our lives gets it.   

Christy, I am so glad things are brighter for you and that your husband is more of a partner with you now.  MJ & Christy, thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.  I have needed a lot lately.  My husband & I came together on things some this weekend and so I am more hopeful that he might be a better supporter.  I am doing better and it sounds like you 2 are, too.  MJ, how was the move?  Are you settled yet? 

I can't stay on for much of today, but will try to post soon.  Gotta go.