Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

I have been abused by my brother also, from age 5-9 and for so long I have tried to believe that I forgave him. After all he was my one and only sibling so I had to talk to him, right? Well thats what I thought up until this year, at age 18. I have been in denial for such a long time. You're very lucky that you're brother has stopped what he has done, but my brother is not only abusing his wife now but he is still trying to get me in trouble and to turn everybody against me. Calling my mother telling her that I am sending mean emails to his wife, when she flat out told him I am not sending mean emails. Stupid things like that, that he does, is all getting to me. I thought I had to forgive him, and I convinced myself that I did. I, like you, didn't want to cause a family war. 

 I sometimes wish that I would have never spoken up now because my parents are fighting over this and it's just a full blown war with my family. It is extremely hard to forgive somebody that has caused me to be this way. I can't sleep and when I do I over sleep. I can't stop being controlling with my boyfriend or anyhting all because of my brother!~ How can I forgive somebody? I would have been a totally different person today if it weren't for him.  

I guess my question to you is, do you still talk to your brother as if nothing happened? How can you forgive and forget so easily just because he stopped doing what he has done? Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of you if that's what you want, but I am just confused and don't want you to end up being the way I am today. I thought my brother changed and I believed him when he said he was sorry. But as soon as he got married he started abusing his wife. I thought he changed, but in reality he was just getting past me and finding his next victim. So what would you feel like if you thought all these years just because he hasn't attempted to do anything to anybody now, what if say, 3 years from now you hear that he has done it again? Because it is very true that most of them do NOT change. They tell themselves lies and believe them to make themselves not feel so guilty.  

I guess what I want to let you know is to think about how you would react if you convinced yourself that he changed but later on you see that he didn't. That is where I am at right now in my life, and it is miserable. I feel so rotten for trying to accept that he changed and believing all his lies. I see 3 different counselors and have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm only 18 years old. But, maybe your brother really did change, and praise the Lord if he did! But you always have to think about the "what if's" because you won't ever fully know that he changed. It could all creep back up on him eventually. So keep an eye out! Please take care!  

I have just sent an email to my brother, in reply to his nasty one, outlining the BIG secret, Just my first memory, I don't know how graphic I can get, and the last memory. ' 

He is the golden child of the family, I the black sheep. I hate that he always provokes me and lets the rest of my family think it is all my fault with this conflict. So I did it. I now am really thinking I shouldn't have, it will just cause major fallout.  

What have I done?  

Has anyone broken silence to their abuser and what happened next? 

Hi This is my first time on the boards. 

 I am a 28 years old and mother of 3 beautiful children. I recently remarried and have a very loving husband. We have worked through allot of our childhood traumas together. Mostly  being my trauma. My life has gotten allot better yet I feel like I have hit a brick wall with as far as I can go. I was sexually abused by my brother and another relative around the age of 4. I was also a abused by my step-father At age 15. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Ran-away at age 15 and lived with my boyfriend for 8 months, and that's just a small part.  

   My brother in the past week called me and admitted what he had done and apologized. We had never discussed this before.  Then we ended in an argument about another subject and haven't talked since. He is an alcoholic and was drunk at the time of our discussion. He first called me to tell me he was going to kill himself. This has put me in a tail spin.  

   My mother has this way of caring only to the point where it looks good. She will act all caring at one point yet when my brother calls her with a suicide threat she calls me to call him.  

   I have worked very hard in the last 2 years with my husbands help to make my life better for my family and myself. I realize that I am at the end of my rope of what I can do for myself. I have been in counseling before and not found it to be very constructive. I am looking for a counselor who will help me find the tools I need to help me move in the right direction, But I don't know how to find the right one. If anyone knows one around the Alton, IL. area that will be very helpful. If not ,information on how to find one would be very helpful. Any advice is also welcomed.    Thanks 

I loved your first sentence and can tell you will provide a much better family life for your children.  You appear to be the most together & stable one within your childhood family.  You seem to be committed to keeping yourself on the right track and that's great.  It must be hard at times to not be sucked into the rest of your relatives problems, but you can only do so much without disrupting your new role as mother & wife.  I feel for you; this must be hard. 

You may have already explored these ideas for searching for a counselor, but I'll offer my thoughts.   

I had a horrible time searching for someone, but kept at it and found someone who has been very helpful.  Do you have insurance?  My insurance co. had an online referral search that allowed me to search for someone by location and area of specialty.  Unfortunately, everyone in my network who specialized in this area where I live was not taking new patients. (I also wanted a female therapist and so that limited my options, too.)   At that time, it had taken me so long to get to the point of reaching out for help and I was so distraught, it's amazing I didn't give up on it.  Of course, after finding someone, the earlier visits were terrifying and could barely speak and get any part of my story out.  I did get other names from those not taking new patients and finally did find someone who 2 other psychologists recommended outside of my network.  I have to pay more, but she has worked out well for me.   

One thing to keep in mind is that if you do find someone and it doesn't feel like a good fit, find someone else.   

To start, compile a list of recommended psychologists.  Call your general practitioner for names, then call some well known psychologists/psychiatrists that are not taking new patients and ask for names, call heads of psychiatric depts. in hospitals and ask for names.  I'm not sure how far away you are from St. Louis, but call some there are ask for recommended therapists closer to you if it's too far.  I would just call around and ask around and see what names pop up more than once.  If you're comfortable, it would be helpful when asking for names to mention that you want someone who is experienced in working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and prefer a female (or male) if you have a preference.  You may have to leave lots of messages, but hopefully you will hear back from enough to give you some options.  Once you have some leads, call those to see who has openings.  You may want to ask for an initial visit with more than one to see if you connect and then choose one.  Be patient and keep at it.  Best wishes.   

I did not realize this message board was in existance.  It looks as though you have a good support group here, and I commend each of you who are supporting this cause.  This is so critical in this day and age.   

I am djmatt and I want to welcome you to visit my message board in the event you feel the need.  I DO NOT intend to compete with this message board in any way, or take anything away from it.  We need as much support as possible.    

The message board: "A Child's Voice Connection..." is intended to bring people together, and by this I mean groups of people, with one vision, one goal, and this is to stop Child Abuse and Abductions.   

I have a generic post that I am posting on a few selected message boards.  If anyone is offended, or feels that this will in any way interfere with this message board, I will be more than glad to retract my post; have it deleted.  I just feel the more that we can share, the more we can accomplish.  I will try to visit this message board as much as possible and share my thoughts here as well, if I am welcome to do so.  If not, then no harm done, my feelings will not be hurt in any form. 

I would also like to ask permission to included this site in my correspondences to others. 

To get there go to the top of Dr Phil’s Home Page at “DRPhil.com” 

Click on “Members”  

(You do not have to be a member to view. I advise you to join and participate if you are not a member) 

Then Click on “Message Boards” 

Then you will see the following at the bottom, right hand of the screen: 

Then Click On: “A Childs Voice Connection, Prevent Child Abuse, Abductions”.  

This message board provides links to web sites that you can access to help out by volunteering your time and/or financial support/ 

We need all the support we can get to help put a Stop to this madness. Our children are at risk every day, and we can join hands in efforts and prayers to help our children. I consider all children our responsibility. 

Please note that I am not a doctor or professional counselor, but we have a good support team and your concerns will not go unanswered. I am an ordained minister, but not a pastor. This campaign is my calling from God. 

Your suggestions, support, Ideas, and any other information will be greatly appreciated. 

Sincerely, 

djmatt 

I am a 46 year old father of 3 wonderful children, all grown, and I have been married to a wonderful woman for almost 27 years. 

We had a similar situation about 16 years ago involving my daughter.  My wife and I forsake anyone in the family who were apposed to our decisions concerning getting our daughter counseling, because they knew it would be reported to the police. 

We allowed them to make that choice, although I was accused of disassociating myself from the family.  Regardless of blood kin, when I came to my child, NO ONE was going to hurt her and not face the music.  There was not a question in our minds about what to do.  We moved two hours away from the family for about 8 years. 

Her case was not as severe as many, thank God.  Only fondling, I suppose you would say.  But the fact remains that we put at risk the loss of relationships with some family members in order to protect and to get professional counseling for my daughter.   

I am really sorry to hear about your situation.  And my advice to you is to take care of you.  And I sincerely hope that your brother doesn't hurt himself, but if anything did happen, it would not be your fault.  None of this is your fault.  You are the victim, and for your brother to try to torture you more from a mental standpoint is in my opinion selfish and totally undeserving. 

He apologized.  He needs to get help for himself, and do you a favor, and just keep his distance.  It's hard to think of it this way. But the whole time I was keeping all of my children away from my brother, and he lived with our mother, it affected my mother as well.  She was upset with me, and for a long time she was torn apart about it.  And as much as I love my mother, and loved her then, I had to make the right choice that was in the best interest of my daughter. 

I carried a load of guilt for many years for one, allowing this to happen, without my knowledge of course, and to take my kids away from my mother and father because mother refused to have my brother leave for my kids to come and visit. 

There's never an easy answer.  But remember that you have to be well for yourself and for your children.   

I will post again soon. 

Take care. 

djmatt 

Im sorry about your ordeal, and I understand you must be hurting a lot, especially cos you were trying to heal by talking to someone but your mother has made people who you didnt want to know/talk about this with, know.  I guess thats upsetting, plus it has all been raked up and people are burying their head in the sand and wont admit it happened.  Instead they say you're being dishonest. 

If you honestly feel that you dont want to report the crimes to the police then that is up to you.  But if if are doubtful and are only afraid of saying what happened cos you feel bad to actually talk it, consider your options carefully.  If the time is nearly up when you can report this creature, you really want to make sure that you are not going to one day regret not reporting the crimes.  I think this may one day make you feel even worse (if you regret not reporting it)- it could even hinder your healing process.  If you did think, "I'm gonna try and find some justice+take this creature to court- make him pay", please prepare yourself that you could be disappointed by the outcome.  Particularly if close relatives will refuse to admit you may have been in X's care at such an such time- even though you were. 

Dont get me wrong Im not saying you should or that you shouldn't only you will know if you're ever ready for such action.  Ask your boyfriend to be sympathetic, and that it is not something you want to fight about.  He is not in the position to make you feel pressured, being forced into a decision cud make you feel a even more powerless.  At this stage try and be around people who make you feel good, better, supported, loved cos despite everything you definitely deserve to feel like that. 

Please, please don't feel ashamed; cos this thing happened to you most certainly not out of choice.  No child ever invites abuse.  You were and still are innocent, and you are not to be judged for anything, ever.  Your a victim and victims have rights. 

If your family are going to make you feel bad then, maybe when you are ready you may be best off to avoid them.  Injustices of not being believed can be difficult to move on from, even moreso if certain parties refuse to admit they are injustices. 

I would like to finish by telling you what a brave and fantastic person you are.  You deserve some sort of closure cos you are a human being.  We all deserve peace, rest and comfortability.  You will be all ok- in time. 

Dear Hun, 

Sorry to reply so late ive just logged on this message board.  Im sorry you went through such a tough time of it.  I have to firstly say that you are not to blame your self for your husband manipulating you into going with other guys.  You allowed it to happen because of all the abuse you had suffered as a child.  This would have made you feel as if you were not of any worth (which is untrue), you would have had seriously low self-esteem, thats probably how you ended up with a guy like your husband in the 1st place. 

Congratulate yourself on making it through thus far, you are so strong, especially considering all the tough decisions you have had to make, all the abuse and bullying you have suffered totally unsupported.  You really are made of stronger stuff than anyone has given you credit for. 

Are you still with your husband now?  If you're siblings aren't supporting you then maybe they arent much use having in your personal life.  Maybe a little distance and some quality time being by your self is what you need. 

Don't feel bad about the opinion of you children about you, they have had a tough life and so they blame you.  It doesnt mean you are to blame for all their issues but its quite likely you will be cos your the woman.  That doesnt make it right, but it sounds as if some of the negativity and bullying of your husband and family has been passed onto your kids.  maybe thats why they are so angry at you, they may feel as though you didnt protect them enough at times they wish they had been.  If they were aware of the things your husband made you do, they may lose respect over that as well. 

But it does seem like the relationship with your children can be saved, you need to establish exactly how they feel about you and why.  I dont know if it is wise to tell them the extent of your sufferings or not, but some information (albeit brief) may help them understand why you are how you are.  However, I'm not sure you can start to repair the relationship with your kids just yet; 1st you may need to come to terms with all the abuse you suffered from your family and husband. 

Start to feel special by doing things especially for you, you are not a door mat and no one should be treating you like one.  Try going for therapy, as I'm not sure how qualified counsellors are- I have firends who went to counsellors and they just werent qualified enough to deal with her problems and she had to see a psyco-therapist.  Although talking with any professional will be of some help.  Maybe you could enrol on a course at your local school- it could be anything from flower arranging, to learning a language or story writing skills.  Just something that will start to put some self-believe back and allow you some quality, progressive 'me' time. 

Hope you can soon begin your journey of healing soon, while it may be very bumpy and dark along the way, the final destination will sure be worth it. You are deserve it.