What makes you less important or less worthy than others? I am the creator of the message board "A Child's Voice Connection". If you read any of my posts, you will realize that all men are not the same. I am a 46 year old father of three grown children, two girls and one boy. My wife and I have been married for 27 years, and the drive to fight child abuse has always been a very strong conviction of mine.
I am also an ordained minister, but I do not preach at this time. The only reason I mention this is because I feel that my ministry should focus on the fight against child abuse, and to try to help, if possible anyone who has been traumatized by child abuse, and specifically sexual abuse.
I was reading and skimming through some of your posts. I can understand the hardships and family divide over this issue. For someone to threaten to sue you for defamation of character is absurd. For you to prosecute someone for assaulting you, especially as a child is realistic.
I recommend you do the following:
- See a therapists on a regular basis.
- Continue to talk to those whom you can trust and this will allow you to realize that you were not at fault. This will strengthen your character, and give you a more confident outlook.
- You are a victim. Any victim does not deserve to be victimized, and has no accountability for being victimized. You were afraid..right? Afraid of what is going on now. When you were younger you were totally confused and angry, and you turned this anger in towards yourself because you were not able to defend yourself. You need to know that NO ONE looks at you as being responsible at all, except for the people who will be affected by having to face the reality.
- My wife was victimized when she was a child, and she didn't tell me for a while. But I understood her reservations, and the need to be comforted and loved more, and the be treated gently and lovingly. Continue talking with your boyfriend, and tell him exactly how you feel. And let him know it's not his fault. This is where the guilt comes in to play at times, not being able to be totally open with your partner, and feeling guilty if he does not understand.
- Continue using self-help approaches, such as using this site to post your feelings.
- The feelings and thoughts that you were responsible in any way is a reaction to your innermost feelings of helplessness and anger. Take control. Put YOU FIRST! Even if it means losing the association of family members. This was one of my biggest problems when my daughter was molested several years ago. My first reaction was anger, and then guilt. And I still feel guilty at times about allowing this to happen right under my nose. But I had no idea. We got her counseling, and the domino affect caused a harsh split in the family. But you know what, My wife and I did what it took to get my daughter out of that situation, and to get professional help for her. My wife and I even went to counseling.
- You have to stop asking the "what ifs"..what if I had told someone, or did this or that to stop it. YOU DID NOT KNOW. You were more afraid of the repercussions and you were afraid. This fear has been instilled in you, and you have to get it out.
- The controlling factors are; fear, anger, guilt and confusion. The anger needs to come out in a constructive manner. Even if it means writing a letter to the perpetrator telling him how terribly bad he has made you feel, or writing in a diary your innermost feelings, your anger, and the extreme dislike of this person. This is normal. Deal with the anger and the fear, and the others will take care of themselves. Take martial arts, learn the techniques of self discipline and self worth. These are just suggestions.
- You can also talk to a minister, a lawyer, or even the United Way, I think offers assistance in such crises.
- Again, write down how you feel, and also write down that this is not your fault. If you are angry, write down "I am angry" or "I am mad as hell". Write down "I am better than this" or "I do not deserve to feel this way.
For the record, I am not a professional counselor, I am not a doctor. But I have studied this topic and some cases to look for ways to prevent child abuse, and for ways to help the abused.
One thought is to help others. On the "A Child's Voice Connection" labelfree is a good person to talk to as well. It looks like you have some good friends and good support here as well. She is an activists, and although our campaign is not moving as fast as I would like, we are not giving up. It is a known fact that helping others helps heal yourself.
