I am not sure how to begin.....please be patient with me,I'm new at this.Yesterday,I joined this website and discovered that I could post my opinion,share thoughts about your stories,and even have my own diary to post for others to view.I'm grateful for this opportunity to finally be able to share things about my sexual abuse with people who have experienced the same, horrible things that i have been through.
Today,I'd like to share some very personal things with you in hopes to help me vent and feel better about this topic.You see,I thought I had overcome the pain of being a victim of child molestation and rape but have realized that i am not, who was i kidding.I was molested by my grandfather for 7 years of my childhood and 2 years by my father about a year after my grandfather was forced to stop.I don't consider myself a hero of any kind nor do I credit myself any reward for bravery; I feel when I had the chance,I could've done more.
It all started when i was six years old.My grandfather had a special liking to me.I was a very shy child,well behaved and always quiet.Yet,I will not get into the graphic details,I will try to share what i can.He tried to spend alot of time with me,was easy due to living with my grandparents because my parents had divorced and they had such busy lives that they had no time to raise their children.My sister's,brother and I shared a bedroom with bunk beds on the second floor of my grandparents home for 3 years.At that time my grandmother couldn't get around well due to her rheumatism that paralyzed her ,restricting her to a wheel chair and to only one floor of the house.I loved to help around the house and help her.There was nothing i wouldn't do for her.
Everything started mildly at first.He would only want me to sit on his lap while he watched the news or football(with my grandmother in the same room).I was too young to realize why he kept shifting me around on his lap.He would also approach me at the kitchen sink while I washed dishes and when I slept,he'd approach me at my bedside.During one incident,I witnessed him at my youngest sister's side of the bed.I wept so hard inside,blaming myself for not kicking her under the blanket to wake her and for not sitting up and shouting at him to stop;the least I could've done to protect her.
At the age of 13,I told my aunt about my grandfather and much to my surprise,she knew how he was along with everyone else in my family including my mother.No one protected us,no-one stood up for us,no one stopped him.I decided to take it to my school councilor.She set me up with a psychiatrist. I later found out he was arrested ,then released a few months later.I never found out why.
During the first year of my marriage, I started filling in my husband on the molestation and rape that had occurred during my childhood.Although i have shared a few details about the abuse I have incurred from my grandfather,I can't share too much about my sexual abuse from my father;the details are so vague,I cannot remember much,almost as if I had erased them.Not that I want to remember.Shortly after being married a year,my father called me to tell me that my grandfather had died.I learned that he had had a heart attack and crashed into a telephone pole and died at the scene.You see,be careful what you wish for.That still makes me feel as if I had murdered him;God does answer prayers no matter how graphic your prayers are.
I carried alot of guilt about my sister for many years into my adulthood.About 2 years ago,I finally told her about what i had witnessed.She was unaware of her own abuse and couldn't even remember my grandfather because we had moved around so much between family members homes that that point in time ,to her was so short lived and she was so young,she couldn't remember much.She hugged me and thanked me for sharing that and assured me she was fine and to stop blaming myself.I am still very close to her and speak with her all the time.The ironic part of all of this is ,I am close to my father too.Yes,I know he did molest me and my sisters.I warned him that I have a daughter now and I will always be Eagle eyed around him,and will hurt him if he lays a finger on her.That I promise.
