Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

I hope that what you are saying is not true...however, I went through a very similar experience on here as well...it was devestating to me for awhile and then I realized that it was all for a reason...to teach us both something...

 

  I am the survivor of childhood sexual incest and abuse. This started when I was seven and went on to the age of seventeen when I finally ran away from home. The incest was done by my Father and he was also physically and mentally abusive as well. My stepmother was abusive as well. I was raped at 7 and have been scarred by belts, cups hitting me, my step mother stabbing me in the arm. I have a eight inch scar on my knee where I was cut with a broken plate. I have suffered many mental abuses that are so horrifying I can not put them into words for eyes to see. Everything from being chained to beds for days without food to being put on a dog leash with collar to sit in a sub zero storage shed for days. Humiliations and degradations were what I lived every day. A horrid way to grow up as a child. These were my past. They are not my present.

 

I was a rebellious and angry young woman when I left home and ran away to Ohio to my grandmother. In doing so I was subjected to two more rapes and a car wreck. I am supposed to be dead I know but I believe that there was a bigger source at work in my life. I did all the wrong things that we woman and men that have suffered abuse do. I jumped into the first "relationship" that came along and he was just as abusive as my father was. That was nine more years of hell and abuse. I then finally took the first step in recovery during this time. I started going to out patient therapy. This started as anger management after I cornered my ex husband[ husband at that time] behind a potbelly stove throwing everything in the room at him. Then it went to dealing with my actual abuse. Ten years of therapy and counseling.

 

I came to resolution with my Father. I confronted him and was able to tell him how he hurt me and what he took from me. This really did not put a seal of happiness on my life. It took many more years before this would happen for me. The release did not come until after I had gotten to Alcoholics Anonymous. I learned that the abuser is a sick individual and that the only way to freedom for me was to find a way to let him go and forgive. This started ironically with forgiveness of myself before I could attempt to forgive him. The time came one week to the day that my Father died. I went to his house out of  gut intuitive feeling to see him. We talked for a very long time and I knew in my heart it would be the last time that I saw him alive. The thought came to me that it had to happen here or it never would. I initiated it. I simply told him that it just did not matter anymore that it had gone on long enough. What happened next was what set me free from him. I found the words started to flow and I forgave him. I heard the same words genuinely come back from him. I can not tell you that this works for everyone but I had longed to hear those words from him all my life. When my father broke down and cried like a child I was able to comfort him and there was no animosity or pain anymore.

 

Today I am totally free from my abuse. I live a day at a time and I love myself. I walked through so much to get to this place. I would not change any of the healing process it made me the incredibly strong and capable woman that I am today. If you are hurting and suffering from abuse please seek help. There is freedom from the darkness. It begins with you.

Labelfree.....

 

I've never posted on a board before, so please bear with me. I can relate to many of your posts so I thought I'd start with you. You mention above that "this is very hard work", a statement I not only agree with, but am living with now. For 20 years, I've tried to convince myself that it's over, it's the past, but all I've really done is bury it with an eating disorder, living with an abusive husband, overachieving, being super mom, friend, coach, fieldhockey official - I think you get the picture. I recently started with a new therapist, who is tough, and good but I am finding it so difficult emotionally that I want to quit. When you were experiencing these times, what did you find helpful. Also, I am going to take your word and get Dr. Phil's book - how did that save your life?  Sorry for rambling......

Yes, this did happen, it is true.  What I don't know is why or if there is some other explanation other than what seems obvious.  On this board there is a lot of talk about confronting your abuser or forgiving people who hurt you.  That is all I am trying to do.  I was hurt, so were a lot of other people.  There was a lot of emotion spent trying to understand and advise.  Sometimes the mother instinct kicks in when talking to a young person and it becomes very personal.  I'm sorry if I am disturbing the board, that is not my intention.,  I'm a m sorry too if this sort of thing happened to you.  Yes, I have learned from it but it doesn't make it pain free.  I guess I am just a hick from Po-Dunk USA, not very wise about the world, but it doesn't mean someone should mess with my emotions like that.  

Glad you found this board, I am sure there are others who will be able to answer your questions, however, I haven't seen labelfree posting for quite some time.  I wish she were here as she is a very positive, helpful person, but last I heard she was going thru a divorce and hasn't posted too often. 

 

I'm sorry for the pain you feel.  I wish I had answers for you.  I just wanted you to know I heard you.

I was/am a victim of childhood sexual abuse.  It started when I was four years old.  That is when my mom met my stepdad.  It went on until I was about 14 or 15.  But just because it stopped doesn't mean I don't live with it EVERY DAY!  I was molested my my stepdad during that entire time.  I was also molested by his brother (makes you wonder).  I was ALSO molested by my best friends grandfather when I was in 7th grade.  Spent the night at her grandparents house and woke up with him in the bed beside me.  I thought for sure this was something I was causing!  I felt that it was me...my fault! 

I have confronted my stepdad and mother about it (to an extent) in the past.  I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up my family and making my mom a single (stay-at-home) mother of 5 kids - so I "forgave" him.  They are still together, and he was NEVER punished.  I sometimes feel that I have gotten over it - and am able to live a normal life.  BUT, I get flashbacks. I have NIGHTMARES. I am paranoid, afraid of the dark, and just sometimes feel "weird" or dirty.  I have bi-polar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.  Will I ever be ok? 

I am 28 yrs old, married with a 5 yr old boy and a daughter on the way (due in Feb, 2007).  I am SO AFRAID OF HAVING A DAUGHTER!  I am afraid of how I will react.  I am worried I will be scared to change her diaper, wash her down there, and even watch her with my husband.  I have NEVER looked at a father-daughter relationship and thought that hugging was normal.  I always feel that he is doing something to her!  Because my stepdad hid the abuse so well!  I AM TERRIFIED!!!!  Anyone want to give advice!?!?

 

~Still living with it!~

 

Oh no! I agree....no one should screw around with people on these boards....this is suppose to be a safe place not a rigamarole! And you are not disturbing me at all....if answers need to be given then so be it...

WOW! I am amazed at your testimony! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE TESTIMONY? Don't think I am nuts but have you ever considered being a motivational speaker for women who have been through this kind of abuse????!!!! WOW! All I can say is WOW! Thank you soooooooooooooo much for sharing your story...you are an amazing woman!

Your story is very similar to mine except my abusers were not family.....I was first abused by a man whom I trusted as a friend and a father figure....This was at church....unbeknownst to me he was a predator and I wasn't the first girl in the church or the last...he was never brought to justice but he died a few years back, so at least he can't do it anymore...I was 9...then 2nd was my best friends' next door neighbor..also a father figure...my dad was very busy as a child and I was always searching for a surrogate...I was 14 then...the last was at camp when I was 17....this was a friend a couple of years older than me...I was terrified for many years...I am 34 now..and I do have a daughter...I wanted a girl so bad and the funny thing was I didn't think about her being abused until I had her and then I was in suspicion hyper drive...everyone was suspect! my husband, family, friends, everyone!

 

For me, I went through therapy which was very helpful....it showed me that first, even though I seemed to be a target for this kind of thing it wasn't me...it was learned behavior...I learned to search for the love of a father elsewhere...I learned that I could not trust anyone, even those I trusted most, especially them....I was groomed into being a perfect victim...how scarey is that?

 

I learned that because my father was abused (physically, emotionally, verbally) by his father, and he hadn't dealt with it through therapy, he inadvertantly taught me how to be a victim....and then these men came along and groomed me to be theirs...

 

I do trust my husband and most of my family now. I am a pain in the butt about the safety of my daughter. My husband understands and he keeps me grounded in reality and backs me up when I need it....but I fought this battle mostly through my faith...that has been my anchor.

 

I would encourage you to get into therapy asap if you are not already...you need someone who can show you how to heal...so you don't have to be afraid....a professional can do this without getting too emotionally connected.

 

I would also encourage journaling....this will help to clarify your thoughts and let you see your own progress as you heal...

 

I am praying for you...Your picture is of a very beautiful woman...I assume this is you...who deserves to feel free from the chains of fear...God bless! Romans 8:37-39...

I would like to thank you for the wonderful comment to my life story. I have been told that I should speak to other survivors before. I chose to go back to college so I could go one step further. I decided to go into Paralegal Law. I have a desire to help others at a level where I can make a difference and go after the evil that injures children. This has been my life long dream to work in some capacity with survivors. I believe in giving back with what has been given to me. This field seems to be the most viable spring board to start my journey.

 

I read your story and we have a lot in common, well we all do that have suffered the agonies of abuse and mental hurt. Dr. Phil's site is a wonderful place to be able to scream out for help if you need it and to show a way out from those that have walked through it. There is so much pain out there. Tragedies happening everyday to children as well as the horror of having to walk through to recovery as an adult. Thank goodness for this chance to reach out to each other and touch souls.

 

Thanks again and bless you always,

your friend in common healing,

Deb