Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

 Hi everyone! Been really busy but I just want to check in. Everyone's been on my mind. And I can see we have a new one in here....welcome!  The perpetrator doesn't care if it is male or female. Dreamweaver....I hope that you are now out of there. My heart is on standby until you are. I know the fear of getting found out or getting caught by your spouse. I did it once in the middle of the night. I was so fearfully. He was so close and never knew it. I did go back after three weeks and stayed for about 13 more years. It had to be one of the worst things I have ever done. So think twice before he starts promising this and that. He has not changed now and probably never will . But please be careful hooking up to soon with this other person. You need time to heal inside and out. Take care..Nora

Over the summer I found a journal entry in my 11 yr olds journal about some inappropriate touching from her uncle.  I talked to her about it to make sure what i saw was real. I went to one of my sisters about it. I showed her the journal rather than tell her. She said this is gonna stop. We invited our sister who is married to him over and showed her the journal. The first thing out of her mouth was what are we going to do about it? She asked my daughter some questions: assured her that it would never happen agian. BUT She does not believe that it happened and that my daughter just mistook his affection for something else. She was hurt and angry and confused. I understand that. She went home and confronted him about it. He was ready to take a gun and shoot himself. She called me and asked me to come and talk to them.(with my daughter). We went, questions were asked, but my daughter clammed up. I hated putting her in that situation. I did not push her( I don't think). but i tried to explain to my sister what was going through  my daughters mind at that moment. ( I went through it and am still going through it with my own secrets) On our way home I asked her again if she was sure about what happened to her. She said " I know what happened".  I know from my own experiences how hard it is to talk about it , so i didnt push. I've tried to get her to talk about it since but she just shuts down. Like a door just slams shut. I still don't push. I don't talk to my sisters about what happened because I don't want to cause them anymore pain. My daughter is never left alone with ANY man or anyone I don't know. People tell me she is getting too old for a babysitter and that I need to start letting go. They don't know what happened so they don't know  why I still treat my daughter like a baby. (as they say.)  I have already lost a job because I would not leave my daughter alone or without a sitter I could trust. I feel that my job is to protect my daughters at all costs. (job, family, friends.....) I've lost all of them over my overprotectiveness. I try not to alienate my daughter from them but I have to be there at all times. This isn't the first incident. Someone tried to pick her up one day on her way to school about 3 yrs ago. Letters were sent out by the school system to families in our town about it. I don't want there to be a strike 3. My daughter does have a so called boyfriend from school, but i won't let them be alone together. I take her rollerskating where she sees her boyfriend outside of school but I am either there with her or outside in the parking lot waiting for 2 hrs. and worrying about whats going on inside.  I don't feel that any place or person is safe. But I don't want to crowd her. She is only 12 so I can still get away with it but what about when she is 15,16,17,...?  Then there is the family issue. My sister was pregnant with her 2nd daughter when all this happened. I did not want to add stress to her but I had to protect my daughter. Our relationship is not bad. but almost gone over this. We almost never talk. She is still with her husband. but now she is always on the watch. (because of thier girls). This has put a big strain on her marraige, but she loves him so much. I asked her if she could think of any easier way of dealing with this kind of situation. She said no. She has asked that we keep this just among the people that already know. I did until now. This has eaten me up inside. Not having anyone to talk to is horrable. I keep thinking "what if"   What if it was a mistake and he is innocent? How does an innocent person live with people thinking he is guilty? What kind of pain do they go through? How does it effect thier life? Thier relationship with people?  We always hear about the victoms. But what about the other people? The family of the accused? Is there a support group for them? Is there any getting past it? how do you prove that you are innocent?  I know what happened to me. My daughter knows what happened to her. Where do we go from here? I feel scared, alone, hurt, confused, ashamed, victomized again. I still don't know if I did the right thing; but I am NOT gonna let my daughter go through what I went through. Even if it means losing my family.

Just keep believing in your daughter and yourself. You have taken the right steps to ensure your daughter is protected from further abuse by removing her from teh situation. I know how the "inappropriate touching" has affected your family, as there is not one single life that hasn't been impacted in some way by this event. The "remorse" shown by the Uncle may well have been sincere, but your Sister is right to be watchful of his behaviors with her own children.

 

The ugly truth is that one incestuous act has had a huge impact on two generations of people in three families so far. Children don't lie when it comes to acts of abuse. The fact that she was able to tell anyone at all is hugely positive. Focus on her well being first, then see if the rest of the family is still in denial, or is minimizing the abuse. They may be open to counseling for the Uncle at a later date, but I hope it is before he negatively affects another young life.

 

There are some resources available for the persons accused also. Try looking up adult survivors of sexual abuse too. There are a lot of links to resources for friends and family there.

       Hello everyone,My name is glenn and im 46 and ive been molested by my brother when i was 5 and its all have come out about two years ago.Im happily married with three kids 18,16,and 13.Ive been through alot since ive come out with my secret.My brother since then has killed himself and his aniversary of his death is now approaching and i still dont no how to handle it?He killed himslef i guess of shame,guilt and i have a million people tell me its not my fault and i realize that,but ,the fact of the matter is that hes still dead and hes never comming back.His family hated me and why wouldnt they.I feel that i should of just kept my mouth shut and none of this would ever have happen.I kept it in me for over 30 years.Thats a long time ,but i couldnt help myself.I was losing myself and my own family cause i didnt want to be a part of it cause i was depressed,and lonely.My brother has molested other family members in my family,bur never said anything.Believe me when i tell you that ,when i told everyone.it wasnt a good situation.I lost complete control,Threatened to kill my brother,threatened to kill myself,i was commited two or three times and ive just had a bad experience.I thought i would feel better,but all i got was sadness,regrets and people that once didnt hate me,HATES ME.Ive been treated and seeked therapy for a while and i dont want to kill myself or any crazy thing like that.I have excepted alot of things and now i dont say a word to anyone when i get a thought in my head of my past cause it never goes away,NEVER,but i deal with it.My wife has supported from day one and ive put her through hell the last few years.I have P.T.S.D and i refuse to take any anti-deppressants cause im not living the rest of my life depending on drugs to help me get througha day.I survived this long without it.

            My brothers aniversary of his death is comming soon.He killed himself two weeks after i accused him.I no what he did to me ,I cant denie.I tried to ,but couldnt cause i know what he did was fact.I still remember the fear,the pain, and how i was terrorized by him.The day he died,i went to the beach and it was cold,like today.I know that certain anniversaries are going to come up andi know im going to live with this FOREVER,but its just not fair sometimes.My brothers dead,so he feels nothing,and people just dont realize the damage that has been done and they expect me to go on and just forget about what happened to me,I handle it now alot better,i really do.I was going to go to the beach again,but im not,cause ill only go back to that day.i dont no,just wanted to vent alittle,thanks for listening to me.I will figure this out.i got a great life with my kids and my wife,maybe ill think of them instead of my past.THEY ARE WORTH IT

Hi, It's always sad to hear of yet another molestation. Good for you looking in on your daughter. This is the only way that we as parents can make sure things are OK with our kids. I DO NOT consider snooping. Just being smart and tough love. I always told my kids that if they needed to talk and said hey mom can we talk? And if I was in the middle of something and it was serious, they would say Mom, "I need you now." Then everything got put on hold and we would find some privacy.

Keep reinforcing to your daughter that it is not her fault and that coming out with this is the best thing. Does she know about you? You may wish to share it. You may even consider going to therapy the both of you. I could not have gotten through mine had I not. Between support groups and counseling, it paid off. Raising three kids and a spouse who refused to work.....I still made time to get through it. Life goes on, you do get through it, and the one thing that really helped was prayers. Talking with God. Asking for strength. I journaled so much even when I was happy. I could read back to see what made me happy and focused on that when I was down. I fought hard to get where I am today. I refused to allow my foster brother the upper hand. You need to be protective but on the other hand you can go to far. Your daughter needs to be sociable. It make back fire on you later if she doesn't get out. I don't mean let her run, But allow her some breathing space. Maybe a church youth group? Mother and daughter outings? You do not say, do you have a spouse? is he supportive?

Your sister can can a victims assistance and ask, ( and you can to, esp you) to see if there is a group that everyone can go to. I would not go at the same time as her though. You two need your privacy. They do have teen groups. If your town has a victims assistance program, they will want to prosecute. This is something that only you as the parent can decide. My daughter was sitting for a disabled child, he was being molested by his father. A VIP in his town, mom worked for a Doctor. This "father " tried to get my daughter, we had already had our talk about staying safe. She was quick on her feet. Got away and drove the son and herself to me. I called the police. And because  it was in a near by town we had both city police there. Several days later Mom calls me up and wants to know if I would drop the charges. She wanted me to realize what this would do to her family. I told her I felt bad that this happened but that because of it, my daughter was victimized from the beginning. I also pointed out to her that it has changed my daughter. Along with the fact that her spouse had been molesting her son. And that it now has got to stop. What was important was not what it was doing to the family but the chils and others. This so called "predominate " man sat on the board for several child programs for helping children was very powerful in his community. Long story short, he lost everything, she gained everything. We got on with our life. My daughter got into counseling. We did not sue for money, just the fact that this boy and his mother could finally finally find peace. The judge through the book at him big time. Point being I could not worry about what it did to them, only what it did to my daughter and all of us.

You can and will get past this. It will take time and fighting to get though it. But remember, God can take charge and help you all through it. Keep posting and reading. Check to see if there is a support message board here on Dr. Phil's site. It could help her. I know we have several young adults, teen on this thread.

You need to decide........your daughter?.............prosecute?.........hands down, it would be my daughter and or son. I do not regret what I did to this family on behalf of my daughter. I do regret that it even happened.
Take care, take a deep breath, know that you are safe in here. Nora

 You need to let go of feeling that this is your fault. You brother chose the road that he wanted on how to deal with it. You are fortunate that your wife loves you enough to be supportive. And your kids. But they all need you. Taking meds is not all bad. Talk to your doctor about what is available. You would be surprised! Welbutrin is great! LOL.......Being in my fifties and going through what I call minnie paws.....I need it. No side effects here. I sleep better and it takes the edge off of the stress. You are cheating you and your family not getting on something. Also find a support group for men. Check your local police department. They will know if there is a group for it or even check with a Men for non violence groupd. They will know for sure. Bing in New York, it is big enough to offer something. Keep posting and reading here. Start journalizing. Keep it hidden share with your wife if she is ready for this. She also may need to go with you, it will and does effect her. Now this is where my soap box comes in.......God. I can not say it enough. I turned things over to him after I thought I could take charge of this. WRONG! LOL......He has not let me down yet and never will. Don't worry what others think. You are # 1 and that is all that counts. You have to be or you are not any good to yourself, wife, kids or to those others who do count. You will get through all this, it will take time. And you will be a stronger man in the end. Keep reading. Sometimes I don't get in here, but I do try. I saw last night on the show in three weeks there is going to be a show about a women that wants answers about her father. Should prove to be interesting. May want to tune in. Gotta run.....take care. Nora

 

Fifty years ago I was a victim of incest and the secrecy that shrouded it is finally lifting.  It was naïve to have believed I was the only one he practiced his sadistic desires on.  When I was around 40, I tried to confront dad, but it didn’t go well for me at all.  He was so smug, he didn’t let on that I wasn’t the only one and he knew I would never go public with it or speak to other members of the family about it.  He succeeded with keeping me under his thumb and kept his secret dishonor as my burden.  

   

Just before my maternal grandmother died she broached the subject and I finally was able to talk to someone who understood.  That broke my silence but I was still unable to discuss it with other members of my family.  Shortly after that I moved more than a thousand miles away.  There I found I was finally able to start dealing with it in a more open manner.   I finally was able to express some of what has been bottled inside for decades.  

   

My youngest sister suppressed her memories and now in her forties she has to deal with the memories resurfacing.  She came to me about it and now we are dealing with it at the family level.  She confronted my mother, something I tried to do many times and then couldn’t.  Mom claims not to have known, but I can’t help believe she chose not to.  In our most recent phone conversation she told me specific details of how dad abused her, none of it surprised me any.  But she reacted the way I thought she would to it, all of her talk is about how rough this is on her and how poor dad will never be able to handle it, his health is too frail, his mind isn’t what it used to be, all of which is true, but that doesn’t exonerate him.  She never expressed any words of concern over what this has done to her daughters.    

   

We have no plans on having a confrontation scene with him, I don’t believe it would be good for my well-being and I am sure it would be more than my sister wants to handle.  I am to the point now that it would be fine if I never saw him again, I think I’ll skip the funeral too.  It would be tough now to bite my tongue as people would carry on about what a marvelous Christian man he was.  

It is not surprising the reaction of your mother. I was lucky.  My foster mother was hurt and felt it was her fault that she put trust in her son.  She was heartily sorry for his behavior. She took me out of an abusive situation to begin with. It's good that you are able to  deal with this and that you and your sister are healing together. My sister also talks to me about her abuse from a different set of parents. She doesn't get into it as much as she could. And that is fine. It is your choice to go to the funeral and no one else's. If this is how you want to deal with it then do not allow anyone to tell you different. Just think, if he dose not come to terms with what he has done. Apologized to those he abused, then God will not let him in to his home! And that only leaves one other place........sad huh.......how do you think your mom will deal with that? It's God choice. I for one would want to make peace with all. Just some thing about being with that darn devil! LOL.......glad you are doing fine......at the end of your journey, you can stand tall and proud for all you have accomplished. You go girl!!!

Tigger got me up squeaking. He didn't get to go on his walk yesterday since raining and he's beside himself this a.m. throwing a bit of a doggie tantrum. Anyway, aces24 said it is going to be pretty weather this weekend where she is and is where we are so I hope so too where you and our other members are. California was really getting the rain so I hope they dry out today and that all we know in California right now are fairing well in the rain, including Dr. Phil and Mary Ann and...everyone there. You and BZ, Whitney, Tama, Tammy/Hope and all our MIA's are missed. Tigger got me up so early that even our TIA's aren't here, besides me. I think I"ll walk Tigger to the corner and back so Lynn can sleep late. Hugs and prayers to you and all... I hope we all see the promise of TODAY. SEA

DR. PHIL QUOTE: "You're the one who talks to you, all day, every day. Characterize messages you send yourself by a rational and productive optimism."

ROLL CALL FOR TODAY
by: SEA

sometimes
we see the pain of the past
more than the promise of today

I clicked on CJ's profile name then a cute picture and wound up here. So, God Bless Y'all, too. Be blessed all. SEA

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