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Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 08:57:56 am
Author : dataimport
Are you or a loved one a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Join others to share advice and offer support.

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lnd617
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February 13, 2008, 5:19 pm PST

I so relate!

I too was on edge when I saw what the topic of today's show was. I was molested by my stepfather from the time I was 5 years old until I moved in with my biological father at the age of 15. Just like Heidi my mother saw what was going on and chose to do nothing. When someone in the family eventually found out and called social services my mom threatened me in the car on the way to the meeting. I was told that if I said anything that my stepfather would be sent to prison, that I would be taken to foster care and would never get to see my brothers and sisters.....who by the way would be homeless. Thinking at the time that it was just me I kept my mouth shut. Years have gone by and while I have always seemed to come out ahead this big "secret" sat on my shoulders always haunting me. I began to see a therapist about a year ago in order to deal with my emotions and come to terms with what had happened to me. The funny thing is that still to this day my mother is with that man. I cannot even begin to fathom what she thinks every night when she lies down beside him. For the longest time I had been hiding my emotions and tolerating him in order to have somewhat of a relationship with her but I kept having this feeling that there was more to it. I didn't feel comfortable with them being around my daughter alone and it bothered the heck out of me that my mom kept my niece 5 days out of the week. My mom has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the past 7 years and she uses it as a crutch to not take responsibility for anything that she has done. When I started digging into this further just recently I discovered that not only had my stepfather molested me but also my sister and at least 2 of our friends. I went over there yesterday to confront the both of them with the facts and to see if my mother would finally own up to what she had done and the role that she had played in all of this. All I got was a bunch of lies and excuses. I have cut them out of my life....no longer will I continue to have a relationship with this woman who let and my siblings down on so many levels. My children will not be around them nor will my brother and sisters have anything to do with them. They will have no contact with our children and we will do our best to pick up the pieces and be good parents to our children. My mom made her choice and sided with him because as she says she is 40 bipolar and no one else will want her. I don't think she'll ever learn that it isn't always about her and that she should have done what was best for all of us. Thank you all for listening and wish you all the best of luck and support that you can find.
 
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greener6
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February 13, 2008, 5:35 pm PST

Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Quote From: laurel0307

Having seen the commercial for todays show, I had to make sure I was tuned in when it came on.

I am sitting here now in amazement, for this could be me sitting up there.

The only difference is that it was my real military father who molested me fromo the time I was a tottler and my mother to this day still calls herself the victim.

For over twenty years my mother did not write/call/or have any contact with me, then five years ago she went into a diabetic comma, and almost didn't make it.   She wrote me of course to tell me and since has written, called.  She still says  she didn't know, but she did because she too  "saw" him molesting me, not once but many times.  She would even get so angry at me when I was a teenager,  and she would yell at me at tell me, "I am the woman of the house".  You are nothing.

Lately my mother has told me on the phone that she never wanted a stinking girl.  (me) and then she laughs and says  but she made do with me.  Out of all my siblings, who my mother kept in touch with all these years,  I am the one who pays for her phone minutes, her post office box, and send her money regularly.  My brothers and sisters don't even send a card so her mail box has mail in it.  I am the only one who sends mail at least twice a week so her box isn't empty.  She has never said I am sorry.  Her excuse is that she had no money, didn't know how to drive and she had four other children besides me to think about.   Anyway, I can't believe that things like this happen and people live in this denial when their childrens lives are concerned.  

I feel so bad for Heidi.

I still need to work on myself and call myself a work in progress.

 

It is so hard to forgive, but it is the only way to go on.

 

Laurel

...when I saw the preview I also had to see the show but I must admit that I missed bits to go to another room to breathe  and calm down . The 'how dare she' came back again and again in my mind . I linked Heidi's story with mine and couldn't beleive how like minded they (the moms) were in their denial . I wanted to wake my mom from the dead for the show . I am surprised by the amount of anger that has been stirred up in me . Like yourself, I was my mother's contact with the family for a very long time and to this day don't know how I ever got the courage to break contact with her when it became overwhelming .  We spoke near the end but it was never really dealt with . It wasn't until Dr. Phil spoke up for Heidi that I felt heard . I told my mom of the original abuse when it happened . When it happened again they said I would be  blamed . I didn't feel that I owned my own body until I was out of that house . She still clung to her belief that if she had told my dad , he would have killed the ones responsible and then she would be alone with three small kids while he was in jail and that was her story . She saw every aspect of how it would affect her and never how it ripped me apart to see these guys every day . I wanted to cheer when Dr. Phil stood up for Heidi but I also didn't want to miss a word of it ....still a work in progress as well ..........g 
 
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mikaelabailey
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February 13, 2008, 6:33 pm PST

I HAVE BEEN RAPE BEFORE

I ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW WHY HE DID IT TO ME!!! BUT I NEVER GOT THAT QUESTION ASWERED .. IT IS ALLWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND.. THERE IS ALWAYS THING THAT WILL BRING THE DAY IT HAPPEN TO ME.. IT IS SOMETHING I PUSH AWAY FROM EVERY DAY.. BUT  SOME SOUNDS AND SMELLS BRING IT BACK ALOT OF TIMES.. I GUESS I WAS LUCKY THAT I HAD A MOTHER THAT SUPPORTED ME AND SHE KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING THROW, BECAUSE SHE WENT THROW IT HER SELF.. I  HOPE SOME DAY I FIND OUT WHY..
 
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meloismydog
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February 13, 2008, 7:30 pm PST

I'm reporting my abuser tomorrow

I'm hoping this might help others. My cousin and I are both reporting sexual abuse by our uncle when we were young 6-9 years old. We have found out that he has recently abused a child in our family. So we are going to be pressing charges for our abuse so that he may never do this again. We figure he has done it to most of the girls in our family. The wierd thing is that the family is protecting him and trying to stop us from reporting him. I don't know why? It is very stressful to not have the support. Why wouldn't they want it stopped?. They seem to think its not a big deal. I have suffered from this abuse and find it hard to trust others and have anxiety attacks. My cousin turned to drinking and drugs. So I'm going to be going in and reporting him tomorrow and I am very nervous and scared. I'm happy that I have the support from my husband who is with me every step of the way. Please if you have been sexually abused--report it because you will save others. Have courage and know there is help.
 
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clboone1
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February 13, 2008, 8:02 pm PST

Reporting past abuse

Quote From: meloismydog

I'm hoping this might help others. My cousin and I are both reporting sexual abuse by our uncle when we were young 6-9 years old. We have found out that he has recently abused a child in our family. So we are going to be pressing charges for our abuse so that he may never do this again. We figure he has done it to most of the girls in our family. The wierd thing is that the family is protecting him and trying to stop us from reporting him. I don't know why? It is very stressful to not have the support. Why wouldn't they want it stopped?. They seem to think its not a big deal. I have suffered from this abuse and find it hard to trust others and have anxiety attacks. My cousin turned to drinking and drugs. So I'm going to be going in and reporting him tomorrow and I am very nervous and scared. I'm happy that I have the support from my husband who is with me every step of the way. Please if you have been sexually abused--report it because you will save others. Have courage and know there is help.
Isn't there a statue of limitations on reporting past abuse?  I was told that since it has been over 10 years, there was nothing that i could do as far as pressing charges.
 
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marieway
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February 13, 2008, 8:08 pm PST

Abuse related hearing impairment

 This is what I have called the state of mind that seems to exist in a parent when they discover their child is being abused but CHOOSE to do nothing.
I was abused as a child by my stepfather from 1968-1972
I must have said something to a daycare worker at the age of about 4. I actually did not remember any of this at the time however when my eldest son was 18, he told me that his step- grandfather had abused him.
I confronted my mother and she immediately told me she thought he had 'stopped'........she then recounted that I had told people that he had molested me and that it had actually been investigated. He was given court ordered counseling, in the U.K and then allowed to return into the home.
My mother told me she thought everything was fine and that she 'watched him like a hawk'.
Obviously she had not watched closely enough.......
We know now that he abused 2 of my children......and who knows how many others.
I felt so guilty that I had blocked out what happened because I put my children in harms way by taking them over to my mothers house.
I immediately reported the abuse to the British police and he was called in for questioning, even though he was in his 80's.  They did not press charges as he was partially senile at the time and he died 6 weeks after the police interview.
I had a very angry with my mother and she became very angry with me. She told me it would not have happened if I had not brought them over all the time...., that it had 'only been touching'...., that my son was OK with it and had moved on with his life.
This carried on for about a year and when I flew over to see her it got to such a heated debate that I had a struggle to keep my hands off her. I did and I flew home to the US in a complete mess, not understanding how someone could explain away any of this.

5 years have passed and I have forgiven her. I cannot forget but I have forgiven her because I was driving myself insane with anger by keeping myself fuel-led.
My children and I talk about what happened.....I believe that this is crucial because abuse thrives in an environment of secrecy and silence.
Talking about what abuse is, what to do about it  is the best remedy. It was the most  POWERFUL tool I had and it has shown my children too that they have nothing to be ashamed about.

I refuse to wear a mantel of shame and as a family we have active dinner table conversations about the subject. We will talk freely about how we struggle with trust issues, how it has impacted our lives and how we find our own ways to cope.

I do not judge my mother. She did what she did for her reasons. She has to live with that.
All I know is that I never could make the choice of developing 'abuse related hearing impairment'
 
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meloismydog
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February 13, 2008, 8:11 pm PST

Reporting abuser tomorrow

Quote From: clboone1

Isn't there a statue of limitations on reporting past abuse?  I was told that since it has been over 10 years, there was nothing that i could do as far as pressing charges.
My cousin has gone in first and from what she was told by victim services that once the report has gone through that he will be brought in.
 
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marnie44
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February 13, 2008, 8:33 pm PST

Forgiveness is usually denial

Denial comes in many forms.

 

Nine times out of ten when people start babbling about forgiveness

it's really just another form of denial.

 

Another way of trying to make people shut up.

 

Another way of stuffing feelings.

 

Another way of "let's all pretend incest doesn't exsist in our family".

 

Incest is unforgiveable. 

 

It is Premeditated First Degree Soul Murder...committed over & over & over & over again.

 

We can, however, work a recovery program to reach a place of acceptance

and strive to live our best life in spite of it.

 

 

 
 
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marnie44
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February 13, 2008, 8:43 pm PST

Forgiveness is usually denial

Quote From: labelfree

I was sexually abused by my brother from age 5-13.  I was also inapproipratly touched by my father.  He tried sticking his tonuge down my throat and grabbing my chest right when I was starting to develope breasts and it really truly disgusted every part of me.  When I was in my late 30's my oldest sister told me our Father actually molested her when she was a little girl after I gave her a book called "Secret Survivors" by Sue E. Blume  it was kind of a techniqnical manual and My sis thought I had some kind of magical powers and I was able to see something in her and she came over and cried her eyes out when in actualtie  I gave her the book to show her why I was so messed up!

 

The only thing I can say to help you to start out with that SAVED MY LIFE IS GET DR> Phil's LIFE STRAGIES....  You will see the web of lies with your own eyes.

 

This is very hard work.

It must be done.  If you want to win at this game we call LIFE.

Be a winner...OKAY...JOIN me..YOU have to do The work as I did and the others did before me.

There are many place's here you cant vent and get help.  I will be your friend.

Hi Labelfree,

 

Your posts have been extremely comforting and helpful to me....THANK YOU!

 

Several people here have talked about being pressured to forgive.

 

I've noticed that denial can come in many forms.

 

Nine times out of ten when people start babbling about forgiveness

it's really just another form of denial.

 

Another way of trying to make people shut up.

 

Another way of stuffing feelings.

 

Another way of "let's all pretend incest doesn't exsist in our family".

 

Incest is unforgiveable. 

 

It is Premeditated First Degree Soul Murder...committed over & over & over & over again.

 

We can, however, work a recovery program to reach a place of acceptance

and strive to live our best life in spite of it.

 

 
 
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tiggercae
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February 13, 2008, 11:45 pm PST

Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Quote From: yabalutchi

hello
Hello to you.
 
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