Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

OMG!   I just saw the show that aired about Heidi and her mother... it felt like my twin was telling my story. It had happened since I was 5 but I was 7 when my mother walked in on my step-monster abusing me.  He was spose to be saying goodnight! I saw myself thorugh Heidi's eyes to a T! And my mother also stayed with him. It continued until I was 12 when they divorced. How could she stay? I identified with all the feelings that Heidi displayed throughout the whole show. And the naive mother who "Would not"  take ownership until forced to by Dr. Phil. No remorse except to continue to blame Heidi. My mother's excuse was also  "I have a newborn and a 3 year old, a new marriage, what was I to do".  As Dr. Phil would say, "'live in a cardboard box for God's sake"". He is so wise and right. I do not have a relationship with my mother either, she wasn't there to protect me, or better yet said, I wasn't important enough for her to do anything about it. I was removed from the home for 1 year and returned for him to continue to work on me.  Nothing was done to my step-monster either.  Why did she choose to look blindly at it?  Now she says she divorced him because of that, but I dont believe it. She divorced him because he beat us all the time and is a drunk. He never touched my siblings, only me.  I was his weak link. Heidi has a right to have the chip on her shoulder that she does. Like my mother, it hurts that mom still can't own her faults and really feel sorry for not protecting her/me. Will our relationships be mended with our mothers? It was so weird to relate identically to this story. I got cold shivers though my whole body  til the end.

today I watched Behind Closed Doors and I could have thought that on that stage was sitting me and my own mother. My father was the abuser to me and it went on for years. My father had such a power over me, threatning me that if I ever told anyone that I would be taken away from my mom and I would be blamed for it all.  I have no idea w hen it actually started and when I asked my father he never told me. Well at the age of  15 i had found a friend that I could share what had been happening to me, I told her do not tell anyone cause I don't want to loose my mom she is my everything. Well here we were the week of Thanksgiving ( I remember it all as if it was yesterday ) it was a Monday and I was pulled out of school and told by my prinicpal, CPS and the police that they knew of what my father was doing to me. And if I was not schocked enough knowing that my secret was out and how angry I was at my friend for telling anyone and knowing what would happen when my father was confronted. CPS asked me do you want us to go talk to your mom or do you want to tell her. WHAT no way i was 15 and i had thought that the police and CPS were to protect the kids ? I lived in Washington state at the time, well I sat there and  remembering saying if you show up and my dad is there he will shoot you on the spot. So they allowed me to board the bus home and left it to me to tell my mom of what has been going on. I boared the bus crying uncontrolably and my other friend asked me what was wrong and all I remembering is saying loudly they know they know what he has done to me..  My friend offered to go with me to tell my mom.  Luckily my dad was working nights that night and i got off the bus and walked in and told my mom what has been going on, she sat there with this glazed look on her face ( she was home recovering from  hand surgery). Now thinking ok she knows all about it we will move out and the pain will stop. I never thought what followed woudl have ever happend. My mom didn't remove me and my older brother from the house in fact she stayed and did the unthinkable she slept with him.  I laid in my roon crying and scared to death that she would tell him that she knew and he would hurt me and my brother. The morning came my dad went to work early and I was taken to the police station to give my statement.  My mom told my brother of what had happend and he asked her are you sure she is telling the truth, she said yes they did a rape test and it is positive. He went  crazy and took off, we both throught he went to kill my dad.  Luckily he just went and drove to clear his head. My mom and I were sent to a safe house and my brother went to a safe  boys home and my dad was taken in for questioning, he plead quilty.  Well it was now the day before Thanksgiving my mom went home with my brother and I was sent to a foster home over Thanksgiving time. What my dad had said was true, I was being blamed and I lost my mom and I was removed form the home. The Satruday after Thanksgiving the foster parents took us to see the new Muppett Movie, and we had to pass by our home and there I saw my mom, brother and father getting into the car and living as if I never exsisted. I cried   all the way to town and through the movie and all the way  home.  My mother was told that if she wanted me back she would have to divorce my dad and  move out to our own place, she did divorce him and we moved to another city only 25 miles away. So I moved back in with her and my brother only to have my mom leave every Friday night and leave me all alone till Sunday night, she  was staying with my dad every weekend.  I could never imagine leaving my child for the weekend  to go spend it with the man who sexualy,verbally,mentally and emotionaly abuse my child.  I was devistated and angry about the whole thing. My dad like I said plead guilty and was sentenced to 3 years probation, subject to going to classes and was not to be around me or have any guns in his possession. He never went to the classes, he kept his guns and was over at our house picking up my mom every Friday night and dropping her off every Sunday night. Over the years mine an dmy moms relationship suffered and to this day still sufffers. I have tried and tried to understand why and how she could sleep wiht a man who did such things to me her child ?  She says it was because that was the only way he would pay her  child support,  but I still don't buy that for one second.  During my years from 15-20 I tunred to drinking and sleeping around and not caring about anyone or anything including my self. I just didn't care anymore. I felt that noone loved me or would ever love me and I looked for love and support in all the wrong places.  I didn't trust anyone so noone was ever able to get into my heart I was on a path of self distruction and I took anyone who got in my path down with me. I have since grown up and got off that path and after 1 failed marriage I found a great man who loves me. i have one son from my frist marriage and 3 from my second. I still have trust issues and am still having trouble with mine and my moms relationship. I have a daughter and I can say is if anyone ever did anything to her I would not just sit there and do nothing.   My father passed away in 1988 and he never told me why he did it and why me, even though I had asked and asked him still no answer from him.   I have educated my kids about  people ilke my father and to never be afraid of saying anything to anyone.  It is hard but my kids and husband are living with what my father did to me years ago and i am trying to do everything in my power to change that, but it is hard, things that happend in our past will affect our future and how we are to our spouses, children and other family members. No matter how much time has gone between the abuse it is still forever a part of our lives it is etched deep within us and has formed us on who we are in parts of our lives.  i am upset that people say if you were abused as a child you will grow up to be an abuser also, that is not true i was sexually abused and  could and never would ever think of doing that or allowing it to happen to my own children or doing that to anyone.  I am thankful for Dr. Phil for doing the shows he does, it  helps us deal with and it gives us ways to deal with it and lets us know we are not alone.

How sad it is that the past shapes the future. Abuse damages you in ways that cant be fixed no matter what you do.

my Mother married my Stepfather when I was 10 years old, he begun to molest me when I was 11 and lasted for about 2-3 years. it stopped when I finally told my Mother. That happend in the late 50's, there was no help for victims, no counseling, no School Support etc. After I told my Mother, she put in for Divorce, but later changed her mind. she stayed with him. She did ask me how I felt about her staying with him, I told her that I don't think he would try again and at the time I had a little Brother, just under 2 years old, and I told my Mother that if SHE can live with the Man who molested her Daughter, I wouldn't mind her staying with him for my Brothers sake. I grew up without a Father, (he was in the U.S. Military stationed in Germany and left 4 months before I was born) I didn't wanted my Brother to grow up without his Father. My Stepfather never tried to molest me again after it was out in the open, but I had a hard time facing him every day.

My problem is this, after I told my Mother and of course the rest of my Family found out, it was swept under the Carpet, never was brought up again. no one asked me how I felt about the whole molestation thing, no one asked me what I went through, how he used Blackmail to make me sit on his lap so he could touch me. I was afraid to go home after School, knowing he was there, or go to bed at night when I was alone at home with him. My Mother and Stepfather worked opposite Shifts, so someone would be home at all times, so when my Mother was at Work, my Stepfather was home and vice versa. they switched Shifts every week, some weeks he was home when I came home from School, some weeks he was home at night. I used to pretent to be asleep when he came into my room at night, hoping he would go away, but of course that didn't matter to him, maybe he thought if I'm asleep I wouldn't remember. I am 61 years old now, and not a day goes by I don't think about it, something always triggers the memory, a TV show, News, a Movie etc. Anyway back to my problem, why doesn't anyone asked the victim how they feel or felt, what they went through? When I watched the "Behind closed Doors" Show yesterday, I was waiting for the Mother to ask for help to understand what her Daughter, the Victim, went through, but instead she wanted help to understand the Molesters? why? it's to late for her Daughter now, the damage is done. She should of asked her Daughter, tell me everything you experienced, how it made you feel, how frightend where you,  and most of all, what can I do to earn your forgiveness for what I put you through, knowing what went on and didn't save you from the situation.

My Mother finally asked me about my feelings and what went on and for how long, but it was a little to late I think, that was about 40 years later when she asked me. My Stepfather died 10 years ago, I did forgive him but I can never forget.