Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

hi my name is Makayla and I'm 19 years old and just started dealing with my abuse issues (sexualy and physically).  and its been really tough especially with all the nightmares and flashbacks i'm dealing with.  I was just wondering if all you could support me cause i was just looking and this seems to be a very supportive board.

Makayla

Dear Makayla,

We are here for each other and yes, this is a very supportive board.

Are you working with a therapist?  The nightmares and flashbacks seem to consume you for awhile but I promise...it won't last forever. 

Come here as often as you need to.

Hugs, Sunny

I need help asap FROM  anyone who knows someone , or can help me get Dr. Phils attention.  My son is 10 and about 2wks  ago he came home from school with a note.  He ran to the couch and put his face in the cushions crying saying ... I'm sorry I'm sorry.  At this point I thought he pulled some prank on the field trip, he's the fun class clown.  To my horror.... the note said " (Teen) is trying to have sex with me.  I'm using punk instead of his rapist name ok.  I ran over we sat on the couch him on my lap crying and sobbing together.  I kept saying I'm so proud of you for telling Mommy, you are really brave, and none of this is your fault......... so don't apologize.  After some questions.. because my son didn't know what sex was or is none of that.  I asked him what happened.  He said " he put his penis in my butt, and I was crying stop, it hurts stop, please stop... I couldn't get to my cell ph, he wouldn't let me up"  , he said he would slit my throat if I tell anyone.  We called 911 imediately and reported it.  Then did the official report to the Det.  After the Det talked to my son the Child Advocacy Center said to ask if the det felt he would need an exam.  We were told yes... and that took 10 days to find a place that was almost 2hrs away just to keep it confidential for my son.

The punk... lives 20-30 ft from us... he's 13-14 and double the sz of my son.  He was charged with a first degree felony which is the highest charge other than murder.  So you'd think he'd be in juevy ............ nope there is no juevy here.  He never was hancuffed, he is 20-30 ft from us right at this moment.  The NY policy is to exhaust all counseling and rehabilitation for a juevenile offender before they remove him from his home.... WHICH IS 20-30 FT AWAY FROM US...We were told that if he gets removed at all it wouldn't be for 2-3yrs  yes I said YRS....NOT MONTHS.  SO MY SON'S RAPIST IS FREE AS A BIRD NEXT DOOR, FREE TO MOLEST OTHER CHILDREN IN THE NEIGHBOR WHO FREQUENTLY WANDER UNSUPERVISED AND KNOW THIS TEEN AS A "NICE BOY"... we have informed the police that he has access to other children, a lot of other children.    My home was the neighborhood hangout.  My son used to complain .. why do they get to go here or there or ride bikes around the block.  I always said... you are my kid , and you are not going out by yourself.  This punk.. we have known since Aug.2004.   And whats tough is the other kids...I know these little ones.. and they think this teen is ok... so point being they wouldn't hesitate to go into the rapist home. 

My son has lost all innocence, we are faced with having to inform him of things now .  Like when he had the forensic rape exam done.... the Dr said " the good thing is kiddo that you appear healthy, and free of any diseases and std's, but will let you know after the blood work is done"   WHAT   .... HE DOSN'T KNOW WHAT STDS ARE? 

so he's missed over a week and half of school now. Today came home and had another breakdown crying, this time he was throwing his stuff... his coat , gloves... when I finally got him to talk to me... he says it feels like no one is on my side but you and daddy.  I want (punk) to go rott in jail or childrens home... the police suck.  ..........  So we went to the CVB building and he talked to one of the ladies there... and vented.

He won't sleep in his room now , because it has 3 large windows that face 20-30 ft the rapist rm, house , the living rm where he was raped.  ....

We need to move ... asap , but we need the financial miracle to do that. We've thought of renting, but " no mom then I have to loose my dogs and cats too.... its not fair.  Now he knows I told and he is gonna kill me.

He was a brilliant straight a+ student.  He came home with 19 wrong, and another with a 67.  He told the counseler at CVB that his teacher keeps telling him " get it toghether " you need to FOCUS.  So now he feels like a failure at school too.... DAMIITT..........PLEASE SOMEONE HELP US GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!  HE'S A PRISONER IN HIS OWN HOME.  I'M WATCHING MY SON GO THROUGH HELL.. AND BECAUSE WE ARE NOT RICH..... WE CAN'T HELP HIM....... WE CAN'T GET HIM OUT OF HERE W/O CAUSING MORE TRAUMA.  I can't take away what little he has left... his dogs, his cats, ........the judicial system is not fair.... The victim should have the free lawyer.... The victim should have the right to stay in his own home and feel safe.

NO THE RAPIST GETS THE LAWYER,  AND NOW WE HAVE TO MOVE.  HOW CAN MY SON BEGIN TO HEAL WITH HIS RAPIST ONLY STEPS AWAY FROM HIM.  I'LL GIVE THIS HOME AWAY ... BUT THAT CAN'T GET US INTO A NEW SAFE HOME.  IF WE FILE BANKRUPTCY WE CAN'T GET A HOME LOAN... WE ARE SCREWED

MY GOD   PLEASE HELP ME  HELP ME  HELP ME PROTECT MY SON..... EMAIL DR. PHIL ON MY BEHALF.. I'VE EMAILED HIM SEVERAL TIMES... BUT I KNOW HE'S A BUSY GUY... OR IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP US.  IF WE CAN JUST GET INTO  ANOTHER HOME,  Moving is stressfull enough if you don't have any issues, but for us............ STRESS DOSNT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT, WATCHING MY SON CRY, BE TERRIFIED OF HIS OWN HOME, YARD,  AND to be the Mom and Dad that want to help but just can't financially.....

WE NEED INTERVENTION NOW..... WE NEED TO GET INTO A SIMILAR HOME, IN ANOTHER TOWN WHERE HE CAN KEEP HIS PETS, AND FEEL SAFE.

Yes, I am working with a therapist,but its hard for me to trust anyone right away.  I just feel so confused on alot of my emotions right now .   I just don't understand alot of things and to me it just makes everything worse.

Makayla

Hi Makayla,

I totally understand what you are sayin.  I have a hard time trusting anyone.  I now know that comes from being abused by folks that were supposed to love and protect me...not violate me!  Can you explain what you meant by confused on emotions and not understanding things?  I think I know what you mean.  Are you meaning the conflict between love and betrayal?  Like "how could he (she) do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  He said he loved me!?  He said I was beautiful and special!?"  I'm not sure what happened to you so it's hard to help you.  But you have a therapist and that's good!  She should be able to help you to understand the things you don't get.

Hugs, Sunny

Yes some of the things you said is what i'm confused.  Like why my parents had to sexually and physically abuse me?  Was i that bad of a kid?  I thought they were to protect me but ended up hurting me plus a child out of this mess. don't get me wrong when i just said that cause I love jayke with all my heart he my precious boy.  but i hate that l word and the sorry word they dont exist to me.  i guess i'm just a messed up adult or teen or whatever you want to call me.  i just started with my therapist so i need to trust her completely before i open uo to her. at least i know you know what i mean

makayla

My dear sweet girl Makayla, 

I shudder to think what you have been through.  I believe I know without being told because it is much like my own story.  I don't have a Jayke, but several miscarriages in my teens.  I know you love your son, but it is another cross for you to bare that is totally unfair.

Sweetheart, I'm now 56 years old and have been dealing with therapy for the past 6 years (after a breakdown).  I'm glad to know you are in therapy NOW, not waiting till your 50 and have your past hit you like a ton of bricks!  IT'S NOT OUR FAULT, but it's us that live with the daily torment.  I tried to bury my past but it wouldn't let me.  Therapy is HARD work, but worth it.  Yes, building trust with your therapist IS important...VERY important...and it DOES take some time and effort.  For folks like us...trusting folks is really tuff because we were lied to so much.  Talkin about what happened is tuff because for years we weren't allowed to talk!  We fear folks won't believe us...our story sounds like fiction...sometimes we aren't sure ourselves if it's real or not!  Plus we were told that no one would believe us...it was drilled into our head.  The conflict in our head..."I love them, they are my parents" but seconds later..."I hate them for what they have done to me and my life".   And the constant question in the back of our heads..."what did I do to deserve this?"  The answer to that is "NOTHING" but it's hard to believe that.  We look at our own child and think..."HOW could they do that to a sweet, innocent child?  I could NEVER do that!"  I have yet to understand that one.  "They were sick"  HUH?  They were well respected members of the community and church.  How could they be that 'sick' and no one know?  But I lived it...the double life they lived.  They were pure as the driven snow to the OUTSIDE world...but what went on behind closed doors was pure evil.

Are you an adult or teen?  I don't believe the number of years you have lived matters...you have had to grow up hard and fast!  And you're rite...SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT!  Too late to be 'sorry' now!

Kudos to you sweet girl...you have survived and are reaching out for help!!!  You are a survivor, you are strong and you will make it!  You don't have to believe in others yet...just believe in yourself and do what you need to do for you and your son.  How old is Jayke?  Isn't being a mother a wonderful gift?  They grow soooo fast....before you know it those tiny feet are walkin off to school.  Enjoy every moment.

Any time you need to talk, come here and let it out.  I DO understand you...more than you know.  I may not have all the answers, but I can listen and help where I can.  If you would like my personal email where you could talk more privately, let me know.

Hugs, Sunny 

that would be wonderful if you give me your email addy.  that way i could talk more to you. it seems we been thru alot of the same thing.  Jayke is 2 years old almost 3.  be 3 on april 11.  right now i am so depressed  but i know i will make it. thanks for answering my posts.

Makayla