Quote From: emscptn67after reading through some ot the other messages, i can see that i am really not alone in being an adult child of sexual abuse. I was abused by my father, brother, cousin and family friend. as well as my mother assisting and allowing things to happen. i first tried to tell someone and get help way back 25 years ago in jr high school. i told my councelor who inturn called my parents in for a conference. he told them what i had said to him and because my parents were 'people' in the community and owned the local diner, when they said that i was always lying to get attention, they were believed and i was looked at as a liar. i was severly punished for telling. for a long time after that i held things in. i couldnt tell anyone ever again and take the chance that i would be beaten or raped again. after 2 more years of pure hell, i had grown close with a teacher. one day i was really down and she asked me what was wrong, i broke down and told her everything and that i thought that i was pregnant. i was only 15 years old! she said that she could help me and again went to the school councelor with me. i told my story again and again i was looked at as a liar. my parents were confronted again and i was looked at as being loose and frequently called a whore! well, i was pregnant and i was forced into an abortion. after all of that i closed up totally. i barely made it through high school.
in 1987 i had a break down. i attempted suicide and nearly succeeded. i have attempted a total of 8 times. i have been in and out of counceling and just wasnt able to find a therapist that i could connect with.
almost 20 years later, it all starts again. this past year has been hell all over again. besides being in an abusive relationship as an adult, i have started having flashbacks all over again. my depression is really bad again and i have had thoughts of suicide just to stop the pain. the physical pain as well as the emotional pain seems to be so much deeper this time. i am back into counceling now (when i have the courage to go and not run the other direction) and i think that i may have found someone that can help me. but i am so afraid of opening up to her. i cant take not being believed again. there is no way that i can live through not being believed again.
i just dont know if i can trust. i am loosing my strength fast and i am very scared.
i guess i am reaching out for some advise. any advise might help. please.
I want you to know that you are not alone, K! I don't understand why people back then were so stupid! Didn't they know the damage they were doing to you and I and all of us? We were already hurting and having to deal with more that than most kids and then to be told we were lying, ticks me off!
Sorry, I had to get that off my chest, (breathing deep) .
The same thing happened to me (couldn't tell could you?) I found a teacher that finally believed me and I went to court to determine if I should be taken out of the home. Well my mom was "so loving and upset" that the judge had me go back home. I couldn't believe it! My social worker even told me that my moms husband had said that I was physically abusing him! WHAT?!? See when he was fondling me I grabbed his finger and gave it a good twist and the poor thing couldn't work. Even a therapist was convinced by my mother that I was having an affair with him and his brother. I was 15 almost 16 and they were 37 and 45, whatever. Stupid therapist anyway!
If you can tell your therapist how you feel (not easy I know) that will help give you some power. Tell them you are scared and if you can't do that then you need to look at things in a logical way, not emotional. Can you trust this therapist? Has he/she been helpful? Do I feel validated by him/her? Just stuff like that, try not to let your fears get in the way of your questions you ask yourself. Then you will know if you can do it or if you need to find a new one that you can trust.
Listen to me, I have been struggling with my therapist and always take the blame for the bad ones I have had. Just know that you are not alone and that I believe anything you say here, I really mean that. We are very supportive here, I like it here and I hope you will too.
mj
