Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

Thank you.  I am doing better after a difficult few days.  My abuser was in town and I had to endure a visit without letting on to my family.   I hated it, but I'm through it now and all the anticipation and anxiety in preparation is gone.  Now I need to focus on healing again. 

I have seen Courage to Heal and will look for it again.  I could use the guidance. 

I hope you are having a good day. 

Is your therapist not helpful, or are you afraid to "go there"? I have had good and lots of bad therapists. Yes I have been diagnosed with the same as you, and I am much better at helping others than myself most times. I am so sorry to hear of the horrible things you had to go through, sigh. I wish that there could be some magic pill for all of us to take and make it all better, but there isn't. We are left having to take care of ourselves having never learned how, or feeling we were worth it. I would just try real hard to not avoid your issues in therapy and change therapists if needed. You are worth it and you deserve it! I don't know that I helped you but I do care. 

mj 

just started with this new therapist so i have to give him a chance he is trying to teach me mindfulness but most days i can't concentrate long enough to do it for more than just a few minutes. To make matters worse I have periods of time when I emotionally disappear (dissociative disorder) and I cut myself up, I never remember anything, and only know that I'm hurt because of the blood. I am afraid one day I won't wake up. The conscience part of me has no desire for suicide or hurting myself, but it seams that the conscience part of me does and when I get overly stressed, it seems to take over. I really could use a friend,I have only allowed myself to have one. I have been so controlled all of my life that I was never able to have any before. If anyone out there would like to talk my E-mail address is sfeazell1769@aol.com. 

Thank you mj here's to us survivors. 

   Oreo, I have been reading some of your stories and the things that have been happening to you. Well this is my first time ever being on here and I believe we have a lot in common. I am 17 year old female and have had so many problems along in my life. I am struggling it seems just to barely get by everyday. I feel very depressed, have had a mother that physically, emotional, and mentally abused me. I tried to tell my father but he never believed me. Later when I moved away from them just recently i was molested. NO my father doesnt' know and never will know. The authorities do know and I am scared because i have the opportunity to face my person. But I am scared. I am scared to testify to tell all of these strange people my story of what has happened to me and i have to do it if not i feel like it will happen again and now is the time that i can stop it and i really don't know what to do. I do know what i should do though. Do any of all care to chat to me on here about some of these things. Oh Oreo i also go to counseling. I just started a couple of weeks ago. Once a week and i dont' like it. I feel it is just a waste of time but i am sticking to it to see if maybe she could lbe one to maybe help me get up in front of the court and testify but I dont' know. The most I feel is scared. Can any of yall help me 

Thank you..... thank you for taking the time to answer and for writing something so personal. When I saw my words there in front of me, I still can't believe I wrote them!  

I do remember being the same way. I didn't put it in words as you did, but I promised myself every day I would be "perfect." I had to stop and start over many times a day, I never lived up. No one ever told me that no one is perfect, that perfect was boring, until much later. 

Yes, I know what you mean. Why did it happen to us? To some of our children? Why us? Why not someone else? (That's mean!) Why at all? I do know what you mean - and I believe it was to make us stronger - don't hate me!! :)) But, yeah, I know what you mean. It's almost impossible to shake those "I must be bad" feelings, why do you think I work so hard to repay the universe? I want someone to stand up and scream that I am okay - someone that I will believe! After all, BOTH my parents betrayed me - my children, the only people I can say love me for sure, love me because I am their mommy. I wonder when we'll realize we are all okay...and they are bad... it's like we tell our children, "You are not bad, your behavior is bad," right? Why can't we take on that thought - and then jump to, "Hey, I didn't choose this behavior.." 

I know it sucks worse than anything in this world, and for those of you who are here b/c your children have been hurt, I can't imagine anything worse!!  But you are right, we are strong because we are talking about it, and like Courage To Heal says, we are strong b/c we lived through it.  

I made a website once, to try to help people, because I found my first light in the tunnel on the web. After time, it got too difficult to keep up, hearing time and again what people were suffering with, so selfishly I took it down. I look at you (read you, ha) and see a hero - I see your name all over this board, yours and others, being strong and helping people like me by listening and responding.  

So, thanks. 

i first wrote in last night.  thanks to those who commented back to me.  i saw my councelor tonight.  first time in 2 weeks.  1 hr session turned into almost 2.  i had a real rough night last night.  apparently i was having a nightmare regarding the abuse, (happens A LOT, most nights anymore) and i guess i was making noises (crying and trying to scream)in my sleep and my other half thought that i was making advances towards him.  which was the farthest thing from what i was doing!!  anyways, i woke up to him on top of me and wouldnt take 'no' and stop.  it totally stripped me of anything good. all over again.  i havent been able to function at work today because i couldnt stop thinking about it or crying long enough.  i felt so used!  and still do.  later he said that he thought i wanted it cause i didnt stop him initally!  How could i, i was in the middle of a frickin nightmare about being raped and i wake up to all 300 lbs of him on top of me!  Ive had a very sucky day and when i tried to talk to my councelor today, i couldnt tell her everything because i couldnt stop crying about it!  i showered for nearly an hour and still couldnt feel clean.  when will i ever feel clean? 

i just dont know where to go from here.  she wants to see me again on friday to check on me.  she's concerned and im beside myself.  i feel that this is the only place that i can be honest and not have people think im lying or that ive brought this all on myself.  now he doesnt understand why i want seperate beds to sleep in!! 

i hope and pray that i make it through tonight.  im afraid to go to sleep.  the last couple of nights have been really rough. 

i tried to talk, i just couldnt bring myself to admitting what happened.  he says its not a big deal and im making a big deal out of nothing!  why does it feel as if i was raped all over again??  when will it ever stop?  i dont know if i have the strength to do this 

That is terrible and I don't know what to say. Can you please hold on until Friday? You are not wrong in how you felt, even if he misinterpreted it at the time he should not discount your feelings about it now, that is so wrong! Saying no and stop, is clear enough to me and that is rape! I am so sorry! This has happened to me too and I know how you feel really I do. You can get through this, I know because you are strong, you didn't get where you are because you are weak. Can you call someone or go to a shelter? My therapist told me today that I could go to a shelter if I felt I needed to or the hospital. I think a shelter would be a good idea for you to help you feel safe. Look I am sorry to leave right now but I really have got to get my kids in the tub and bed. I am worried about you and had to post this. Try to go to a shelter even for a night if you need to. 

mj 

I am checking and hoping that you are ok. Just concerned! 

mj