Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

I have never been part of an online group before.  I was abused by my stepfather from age 13 to 17.  I am 26 now.  I knew it was wrong when it was happening...but, I could do nothing about it.  We lived in a small town and he was a cop....!  He was a member of the yacht club, participated in many community functions, and also helped with the highschool girls softball team (of which I was a part).  He did many unspeakeable things to me in the four years of my abuse.  I was raped 4,327 times.  I had tic marks on the under side of my bed (which I later tallied up).  I can't be sure if he ever got to my younger sister (not quite 2 years younger than I am) but, if he did, it was not for lack of effort on my part.  I always left my door open a crack as he would have to pass by my door to get to hers.  I had always assumed if he didn't have to make any extra noise by opening a door-knob, maybe, she might be spared. 

I never told anyone, until I was 17, I started dating my first boyfriend.  I slipped and told him that my step-father had put cameras up in my bathroom.  When he and I split he used the only thing at his disposal to hurt me.  He told a teacher.  He knew she had to tell.  That's when my life changed!!!

My step-father was indicted and was to spend the better part of 160 years in prison.  He never spent a day.  He was to be put on house arrest with an electronic bracelet.  We were living under a FALSE sense of security for months.  He had friends in high places and ended up on the phone call system.  He just needed to answer the phone when they called.  Then, two days before Christmas 1998, He showed up at our home with a .357 magnum, a roll of duct tape, two forty oz. Old English beer, and a 5 Gal. can of gasoline.  He said he would not go to jail, "Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? And the fact that I'm a cop?".  'Poetic justice' went through my mind!  He held us (Me, my sister, my mom, my sister's boyfriend, and my mom's friend) hostage from 5:30pm till after midnight.  We eventually all got away.  At 12:31am the swat team that surrounded the house heard a single gun shot.  Instead of being the shot that took my life....it was the shot that ended my pain. Or so I thought...

We sued the county that was responsible and a third party who knew of his plans two months before it happened.  It has been 9.5 years.  And it is still not over!!!  We are hoping for some finality by the end of the summer.

I think that it is a terrible travesty, in our country today, that the legal system can draw something out for so long. What ever happened to a "speedy trial"?????  My family has not been able to fully put this to rest.  Why go through all of the counseling that it will take to heal...only to possibly have to dredge it all up again in a messy trial, where I know the character of my family will be attacked. 

Any thoughts.....?

Sincerely Frustrated,

survivor6581

I was sexually abused by my older brother when we were small. The earliest I can really remember was when I was around the age of 3 or 4 which would have only made him about 8 or 9. The last time he tried anything I was 14, he was 19. Just us in the house at the time because everyone else had gone to our grandparents house. I was in the bathroom when everyone else left and he told them that he'd bring me as soon as I got done. I tried to catch them because I didn't want to be left alone with him. They were gone before I got out the front door. He grabbed me and asked me as he was trying to touch my breast, "Don't you remember how we used to play?" I kept pushing him away and I screamed at him, "Yes but no!!"  He got mad and started cursing at me. He did take me to our grandparents but he ended up taking off with friends the best I can remember. That was the last time anything ever happened. Because of this awful thing though I have had a really hard time dealing with and trusting men. I have a VERY difficult time with sex with men. I do enjoy hanging out and being friends with guys but it's different when it come to a relationship. I was married when I was just 21. It ended very badly a few years later. I have been with the man I am married to for 7 years. Sex is a big issue. Does anyone know how I can get past what happened to me as a child? No matter how hard I try to forget and move on....I just can't. Please help me if you can!