Topic : Childhood Sexual Abuse Support

I was abused by my father from age 8 to 17.  I do not have repressed memories of it, I never forgot it or had it pop into my head 10 or 20 years later about it.  I could never understand how people could "forget" and then "recall" it years later.  That's just me.

I could never "leave" my body, when these incidents happened.  There was a pregnancy scare.  And the fact that I was responding to the sexual advances confused me because it felt so good.

That's another thing that isn't talked about.  We just think a 9 or 12 year old kid doesn't feel any sexual stimulation or pleasure.  I recall my first orgasm and everything.  I remember the immediate shame afterward, that I shouldn't feel this good, that this good feeling shouldn't be bad.  I shouldn't be having orgasms with my father.

Of course, there was a downside.  I could not "perform" with other men.  I would shut down.  Any signs of pleasure would immediately get squashed.  I couldn't climax.  I even ended up having trouble with penetration, it would hurt incredibly.  I abstained from sex and just became celibate.  It just wasn't worth the physical pain and the disappointment of not being able to be with a man.

My father died years ago and I'm nowhere closer to finding a good man, settling down and getting married.  I have no children.  I cry when I see couples holding hands, and watching romantic comedies and movies are starting to get painful to watch.  I used to enjoy watching these things just to keep my mind off things but instead, I notice as time goes on that I'm worried I may be losing out on a prime time in my life and I may have to realize that I may end up unmarried and never knowing what it is to be in love and carry a child.

I consider myself a survivor.  I have gone to get professional help when I could afford it.  I will continue to seek help when I can because I want to be at peace.  I don't know if I'll ever get to that point with the hubby and kids.  I envy those who are able to overcome their early abuse and still find a good man and have great kids.   I want a partner to go through life with and have adventures with, including having his children and be proud of him and my kids.

I also can't help but think, I've seen the dark side of man as well as the good.  And would I ever trust my husband with our children?  Would I constantly be looking at other people like teachers, priests, doctors, people I'm supposed to trust, with my kids?  Will I be so scared that I'll end up isolating them and they will have zero social skills and be ill equipped to interact with the real world?

Not everyone is nice and not everyone is evil.  How to tell?  I'm still trying to figure it out.  I don't know if I'll ever find that level of comfort with a man but I know a part of me is sorely missing it.  Deeply.  I want that intimacy, I want that love, I want to fall in love.  I want to heal and move forward.  That's all I know.  I just need to know how to keep healing.

I keep asking this question and no one seems to want to answer me.  I wrote to Dr. McGraw and emailed but no response.  I realize he is busy, so I went on line to incest survivor groups.  All kinds of advice and support but my question still remains.

How can I warn the women in my abusers life what he is? 

It happened decades ago, I can't prove a thing, so if I tell his wife, or daughters, or anyone for that matter, can he sue me for slander?  Will the police, or anyone, give a damn about what happened 40 years ago?  What do I do if I find out he has molested dozens of other children while I remained silent all these years?  How do I face them and tell them I prefered my own sense of security to their safety? 

In this age of instant communication, finding this reprobate isn't the problem.  I'm sure in a few days I could probably find him myself.  I don't want him involved in my life in any way.  I don't want to give him any reason to want to see me, or talk to me, or be anywhere near me.  Just the thought of being in the same room with him fills me with dread. 

I too was sexually molested by my older brother, four years older. I can't remember when it started but I know it continued until I was about 12. I lived so many years in denial, telling myself that it was only normal experimentation. I never wanted to tell my family because I was scared it would destroy my family. My father already hates my brother and I thought things would only get worse if I gave him even more reason.

When I got into my mid thirties, I went through a horrible depression and started to drink heavily and made some very poor choices. My husband couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally broke down in tears and told him my horrible dark secret. I had never told anyone. I thought I would take it to the grave with me. He helped me find a really good therapist. I couldn't figure out why now it was effecting me in such a negative way. My therapist pointed out that my daughter was now at the age of when my abuse took place, and she thought maybe that triggered it.

I did finally tell my parents, my mother blamed herself, which made me feel bad. I didn't want her to tell my father but she was so upset she couldn't keep it from him. His response was "Why is she bringing this up now?" and yes that did hurt me.

I'm so glad the truth is out now, I feel like a weight has been lifted. My mother confided in me that she was raped by a friend of her fathers when she was a young teen and like me she remained quiet. I was The first one she ever told and she is in her late 60's. My daughter accidentally found my journal and I was sickened that she read what had happened to me. (Now she can't complain when I snoop on her! LOL)  My therapist put a positive on the mishap and told me that we have a family that has kept secrets for a long time, maybe it will end with your daughter!

Our family won't always give us the support we want or need, but I have found by talking to other survivors and my therapist that I am a much healthier happy person today.

I still haven't confronted my brother. I really don't want to. I prefer to keep him at a distance, we live in two different states and I have only seen him twice in probably 5 years and we have zero communication. There is a part of me that feels sorry for him because I believe he is a very sick individual and I know it has a lot to do with my father's abuse. Is this feeling normal?     

I want to tell you that  really feel for you. but what i do know for a fact, is first you need to forgive yourself.   although  i was abused by my father and raped as a young girl.  i was able to let the past go and seek counseling.but i also got a lot of help from changing my life and running to the arms of God!! hat has helped me more than anything.