Quote From: okie30 I have been unemployed for four months. My job prior to my unemployment was a compromise of my principles and beliefs to such an extent that I cannot believe I stayed there as long as I did. I sustained for over four years in this job, as a matter of survival, literally gritting my teeth and praying for a red light on my trip to work, taking any opportunity to delay the inevitable. I hated the atmosphere at work (political, backbiting, cruel and cutthroat) and finally sabotaged myself by sending two scathing emails to my employer that resulted in my being fired. In other words, I set myself up to be fired. The job paid very well and had better benefits than I would have found anywhere else in town, so I gritted my teeth and bore it. What a price this compromise caused me to pay! Since then, I have experienced dreams (well, more aptly described as nightmares) about my experience there. In these dreams there is continual frustration and lack of compromise and guilt for having ended my employment by design. I have not been able to enjoy one moment of my time off. I am living on my 401K from my retirement income, but it is not a large amount and will run out this summer. Since I was fired, I have no initiative whatsoever. I can barely make it to the grocery store and wait until there is nothing left in the cupboard before I go. Prior to this experience, I was a strong, assertive, confident, outgoing person who had dealt with a great many adversities, including alcoholism and two divorces About a year before the firing, I relapsed and continue to drink, although I hate myself for it. I do not understand this change in myself. I do not understand why I cannot overcome this setback when I have overcome larger ones in the past. I feel totally incapable of understanding what has happened to me. I am 55 years old and twice divorced, but being alone is not the problem. I have considered suicide, as the peace of death seems much more attractive to me than considering the alternative of fighting for my existence in the workforce or continuing on as I am. I have two children, neither of them know how serious this has become. I put on a "happy" face and a "concerned" attitude toward my situation and they feel it will get better soon, as it always has in the past. I have not sought professional help because I haven't the energy to go through the process. I feel I have no where to turn, no options and no strength left. I have had thoughts of how I should die.....gun,drugs, hanging myself from the rafters. Whenever I think of my children finding me dead and alone in my house is all that has kept me from doing it up to now. I love my children immensely....but this pain and inertia is becoming too much. I have always been strong for my children. I do not want to burden them with the immensity of my emotions. Where once I embraced life, I seem now to be overwhelmed by it. I am not a loser, so why do I feel like one? Is there any way out of this fugue?
P.J.
OK, PJ, well I would like to say congratulations to you since you are admitting this. I just admitted I am panic stricken and DON'T leave my house less than a week ago, and I could honestly say admitting it to myself was harder than admitting it to others. I mentioned this to another member of this board, I know of a community based web site, which is called beliefnet.com. At first glance it seems to be a more spiritual type of web site. When you look through though there are support groups and Dialog groups, there are even discussions between people who are going through the same sorts of things all of here are and they are extremely supportive. I am a member there and have made wonderful friends that I have never even met. But I know when I am at my worst I can call them on the phone and trust them with my feelings and thoughts. I know you could definitely find a support system there,as well as the rest of us.
I am actually thinking of starting my own Dialog group for all of us so if any of you would be interested please let me know via email OK. I am in process of being helped by pinetree, and he is wonderful, maybe we could get him to come and visit us there as well he is very wise.
Another thing PJ, My uncle committed suicide, I was way to young to actually remember it and his son was 5 at the time (my cousin). He found him in the basement hanging from the rafters. I can tell you love your children immensely and I would have to say you must stay alive for their well being. My cousin is 24 now and hes a damn mess, and I believe he always will be because of the amount of pain and even guilt he feels towards his father leaving him like that. I have never myself became suicidal, I just fear death so bad I let it rule me actually. I really would like you to look into beliefnet see if there are people with the same feelings as you etc. I mean I don't know how you are feeling and I could imagine its terrible but like I said I have never been there. I am a damn good listener though if you ever need to vent or just talk. Sometimes what all of us really need are a few people we could really count on to help us through our pain and celebrate our happy times
Just my thoughts, and I wish you luck
Nanette
