Hello,
I'm 37, female, separated 4 years, and have no children. I have been on disability for severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia since 1999. I just quit smoking. My reason for quitting is that I need the money to pay for therapy I really need to rehabilitate (that Medicare doesn't pay for). I had to grimace at this; social security awarded me disability (for which I am extremely thankful and subsequently alive today), and they will pay for pills, (that have failed me as a therapeutic tool after years of testing) but they do not pay for the behavioral therapy that may actually help me improve my life. I fantasize about getting off disability and leading a relatively "normal" life. To be able to have friends, to be able to travel (to visit my mom I haven't seen in 4 years!), to work and support myself, to have an esteem and sense of self worth. I thought about all the things I want for myself. So rather than cut out necessities, (like food or primary medical care) I had to admit to myself that the largest chunk of my 'expendable' monthly income was put into smoking. A habit that has been harming me as much as my past has.
I was predominately a stress smoker for 23 years.
Over 2 years ago, I cut down from 2 packs a day to 15 cigarettes a day by only smoking outside, and cut my tar intake by using TarBlock filters. I was still spending close to $1,200 a year on smokes though. That's a tenth of my income. I'd been tithing to the church of addiction and asthma. (on such a low income and with pressing medical needs, that's plain stupid, and I keep reminding myself this).
I quit 7 days ago. I am using Zyban and NicodermCQ to increase my chances, (the zyban has awful side effects as does any other anti-depressant I've attempted) but I am still feeling white knuckled with the craving to smoke. I use deep breathing, I walk (very late at night or early morning when most people are asleep), I do household chores, use hard candies, and bite on straws cut to cigarette size. (That is still such an unflattering look for a lady! (laugh)) When I'm not spaced out with depression or anxiety, I write, I read, sleep, watch tv, and work on art/crafts. I sometimes cry with frustration, and feel like I am mourning the loss of my closest friend. Cigarettes were always there for me at the best and worst of times.
Sometimes I wonder if I am setting myself up for failure. It takes very little for my triggers to get tripped. And I also know the therapy I need is going to be very stressful if not painful. I don't want to fail myself, and worse yet, smoking again would be like having to admit I wasn't serious about wanting to help myself, like telling myself I'm not ready to join the land of the living, that I'd rather sit in my invisible prison of depression, pain and fear. (add more pressure, rinse, repeat).
Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I haven't smoked yet, and I'm not smoking right now. I probably won't smoke tonight. But the need for familiarity and comfort is so strong.
Thank you for this. I feel supported in even having a place to write and possibly relate to others.
*hanging in there with a deep clean breath*
(this content was also cross posted to 'quitting smoking')
