I am a contradiction. No matter what it is, every detail about me goes against another detail. Because of this, I'm unable to ever make heads or tails of anything, and yet at the same time it's easy for me to make sense of any situation I'm faced with. I'm cold, calculating, and distant, but at the same time I also know myself to be light hearted and strong in my own emotions. Every waking moment is filled with constant turmoil because of this confusion, both emotional and physical, that always haunts me. Even my very existence is a contradiction. I am someone who should've never been born, and yet I'm very much alive healthy. I am also someone who wishes to be dead, but despite that fact that I crave that state with every fiber of my being, I am unable to bring myself to that condition. Not because I am afraid of death, but because I am unable to consciously cause myself harm for fear of that pain. I have always been able to see the possible outcomes of every situation and most of the time, I am able to steer the situation in the direction that most appeals to me. However, whenever I look towards my own future the only possibility I am sure of, or can even see is that I will one day be responsible for my own death. It's so strange, I have always been someone likely to succeed, to have the challenges of life come easily to me. Despite that, I am the one unable to find my own accomplishments on the path I'm stuck following. I have always been anti-social, an introvert at heart, yet I find myself surrounded by many people I somehow made to be my friends. Strangest of all, I have thought this way since before I reached an age consisting of two digits. I used to tell myself I was crazy, under the knowledge that the truly insane are always unaware of their status, and I would acknowledge I was crazy as a way of protecting myself from that fate. Now, when I wonder if all of these contradictory thoughts occur because I am crazy, for a brief second I become fearful and tell myself it's not possible. When I catch myself thinking that, I force myself to be logical again and acknowledge that I must be crazy so that I won't be. Please, if nothing else, can someone confirm these thoughts for me. I feel as though my own mind is just a realm of chaos in which my inner self is hopelessly and helplessly searching for some sort of solid state.
