I'm 28 years old and have dealt with Panic Disorder since I was 20 years old. I was very happy to read through this message board and feel like I had “friends” going through some of the things that I have gone through. Here is my story….
The very first time I had a panic attack I thought I was having a heart attack. I was just sitting at home watching tv around 8:00pm and all of the sudden I got very dizzy. I thought that I maybe had low blood sugar and asked him to get me some orange juice. Then my heart started to pound almost out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I swore I was having a heart attack and had an unbelievable feeling of impending doom. My husband rushed me to the emergency room. As I sat there waiting to be seen I kept feeling like I couldn’t breathe, was extremely light-headed, shaking, cold and thinking I was going to pass out. It was the most terrifying experience I had ever had in my life. It was as though my world had stopped and nobody around me would help me gain control of what was happening to me. It was a very isolated feeling of helplessness. I was eventually seen and told I had experienced a panic attack. I was in disbelief as I told them I had nothing to panic about. They gave me a Valium and sent me home.
I eventually had a follow up with my physician. She placed me on Paxil and advised me to get some rest. For the next week or so I had uncontrollable dizziness and didn’t leave my bed only to use the bathroom. My husband had to hand feed me because I could barely lift my head. I have no idea what that was all about. The Paxil literally made me feel like I was "outside of myself". I just didn’t feel like me while taking it. I went back to see my physician. She then placed me on Buspar and advised me to get some counseling. The Buspar made me feel like an alien as well. While taking it I felt like I kept having zap-like feelings throughout my body. I made the mistake of discontinuing it on my own. I went to one counseling session. I was too embarrassed to go back. I live in a small community and did not want people I know seeing me walk in the counseling building doors. I was just so ashamed of myself. I was not on any medication for about a year or so after this. My panic attacks turned me into a hermit. I didn’t want to leave my house. I couldn’t keep a job because I was afraid of the anticipation of having another attack. My attacks had really disabled me from being the vibrant person I once was.
I had eventually started working at a local doctor’s office who turned into being the doctor I switched to seeing. He placed me on Lexapro and I felt like a new person. He also gave me a very limited supply of Xanax to take during emergencies. He too advised me to seek counseling which I refused to do because I didn’t want to again be viewed as being "crazy". This was in 2002 - 2005.
Since then I have had panic attacks in many situations. Two that stick out in my mind are on an airplane and in my car while driving down the highway. Because of these attacks I have a difficult time on airplanes and driving out of town. I love to go on vacations, but as soon as I realize a plane is needed to get to where we are going - I start to freak out. Same with driving out of town. I WILL do both, but am very stubborn. I have also avoided being placed in situations where I've had panic attacks before in fear of having one again. I admit to having had a glass or two of wine before being placed in either of these situations.
Sure, I still have an occasional panic attack..... at least once a month. Usually at work. Today I see a different physician, am still on the Lexapro and take Xanax only as needed. I've also been going to counseling for about a year now. I actually see a Psycologist. She has given me the tools needed to help me through when times of stress and panic arise. I have been able to get through these situations today because of her guidance and help. And yes, there are still times that I am so anxious and am unable to stop and think about some exercises that I have learned, and I go into a full-blown panic attack.and gatherings knowing some of the tools I know today.
My anxiety is something that I still struggle with. Thankfully my family, close friends and a few co-workers recognize it when it happens to me and have assured me that they do not think that I am crazy. Still, I am very embarrassed by it....... but the difference is that these days I KNOW what is happening to me. I also struggle with the anticipation of having an attack. It’s just that I know now how to handle my anticipation a little bit more.
I only wish that 8 years ago I was not too proud to go and get mental health help. I could have been able to enjoy so many more social events and gatherings knowing some of the tools I know today.
I would advise anyone who is suggested to get mental health help to please do so. Don’t be too proud to get help. Its out there.... with an open hand, ready to help......
Angel
