Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I've been writing for several weeks, maybe months, I don't know, but it is

SO hard to survive abuse - if there's such a thing.  How do I cope?  It's

literally one day at a time.  I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster each

day, it's crazy and it's driving me crazy.  Some days I just have to go to bed

before the sun so I don't have to think anymore.

I have one friend to talk with, and she happens to be on this message board.

I actually can understand how people get hooked on drugs or alcohol.  I haven't,

but I could see the "escape" being attractive.

Outside people that haven't experienced abuse - emotional, physical or mental,

should not have an opinion as to how to "pull up your boot straps" and "get

over it".  There wouldn't be anyone depressed or sad or desperate if that were

the answer.

I'm having a really hard few days, so I'm sorry if I sound bitter, I just wish I could

know that my abusers were having as hard a time as I am.  I doubt it.

Renee'

Hi Renee'

 

How are you?  I'm sorry your back is still hurting so much.  That sucks.  Can you take anything for the pain?  That can't be helping your mood any, either.  I hope you feel better today.

 

I'm glad you've worked out a way to go to the home studio alone.  That is sneaky.  Lol.  You don't need anyone else's opinion on what goes into your house anyway.  Just think: in a few months, you won't have to see them every day. :) Do you think you'll miss living with them?  You'll still have Internet access, right?  I don't want to come to this board and talk to myself every day.  Lol.

 

Do you have any plans for the 4th?  I'm thinking about staying home.  My husband is going to work, and my one friend here doesn't know yet what she's doing.  She'll probably want to do something with her other friends, and me.  That's nice and all, but her other friends annoy the hell out of me.  :p I keep hoping that my pastor, or someone from my church will invite me to do something with them.  I feel so pathetic when I admit that, though.  Like I'm sitting by the phone, wishing for them to call.  Sigh. :oP

 

Anyway, I read my Bible again, but still didn't get a lot out of it.  I've just been too tired and stressed.  It makes it hard for me to focus on what's really important.  Have you read anything helpful lately?  Please share it with me.

 

I'll talk to you more later.  You're still in my prayers.

 

Sarah

Hey Sarah,

I think my back is actually better today.  I've been using the heating pad and those warm

up thingy's and putting on it.

 

I went yesterday for my one on one appt. with the studio and picked out everything for my house!!

All they have to do is build it, use what I've picked out & I can move in!!! (right)

I already had so much picked out & knew what I wanted on the rest, so it wasn't bad!

I guess the creative side of me helped after all.  I can picture things from not started (as in sewing)

to the finished product, so that was definitely helpful.

My "final" run through as far as what I've picked out is next Wednesday at 4 pm and my

brother wants to go to that one, so, I guess I'll let him come and he can see everything

laid out together as to how it will mesh.  He had just better not try to talk me out of

anything!! Or else the claws will come out!!!!!   :o{

 

I'll have the internet - definitely - I may have to change the email that's listed on my profile.

We could exchange e-mails for the more private stuff.  I think if you click on my name by

the messages, my e-mail shows.  Don't know for sure.  But, logging on the Dr. Phil website

and message boards will be the same.  Listen to me- like I'm some sort of computer geek!

 

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday.  Gosh, I don't know how to explain that visit.  I understand

what he's doing, but, I just want to tell him to go about some things differently!!  I know

he's pushing me in his own way, but I don't like it!!!  I was up and pacing!!  Then he wants

me to tell him why I'm pacing, etc., etc., etc.  I even told him he was throwing me to the

wolves when the appt. was over!  He got a kick out of that (I didn't mean it as a joke)!

 

For the 4th - hmmmm.  (We) are going to grill, I'm sure, then there's a concert at Red Rock's

tomorrow night and evidently we can see the fireworks from there being shot off from

the football stadium and there's some more from somewhere else, then we're leaving -

probably while the concert is still going on.  They're fuddyduddies and want to beat the crowd.

:>(         We are seeing Collective Soul and the Blue's Traveler's.  Should be good.

 

You are NOT pathetic wishing your "true" friends would call you.  But, it is SO painful.  I

understand exactly where you are coming from.  My "friends" that have not ever called me

and yes, I'm still hoping they will, but, I don't know what I'd say at this point, if they did call!

I just had to get to the point and say to myself, for what ever reason, they are NOT

going to call.  I have apologized repeated to them - even for things I didn't know what I

was apologizing for - just to get them to call?  Not anymore.  I would rather be alone than

feel like crap for things I don't know what I did to deserve this.  I'm sick and have been for

a couple of years - if they don't understand that, then it's their fault.  Wow - I guess I have

improved!!!!

 

Have a beach party in your back yard with your girls. (yes, get in with them)

Get some hotdogs & chips & splash and make memories - they grow up too fast!! 

If your other friend wants you to do something - follow your gut - you don't have to stay long. 

Talk to ya soon.

Renee'

Renee', you are just too cool.  I just wanted you to know, that I really enjoy talking to you.  You can obviously understand so much of what I feel.  It's nice to be understood.

 

I'm glad your back is feeling better.  Those heating pads are nice, aren't they?  Do you still have to go back to the chiropractor, or are you done with that?

 

Final run through at the home studio, huh?  How exciting.  Are they going to mention the state-of-the-art relative deterrent system you're getting in front of your brother, though?  That would be awkward.  Lol.  Somebody should invent one of those.  Maybe it could sense DNA that's too similar to your own, and then not allow those people onto the property...but that wouldn't work with in-laws, possibly the most obnoxious group of relatives...  I'll have to keep working on it. ;)

 

Actually, I was thinking about using your email, but I wasn't sure it was the right email address.  You're welcome to email me any time, also.  I was thinking it might be cool to exchange phone numbers some time, but didn't want to do it here on the message boards, you know?  I'll have to try to send you something, to make sure it works. :)

 

I'm sorry your friends turned out to not be so great.  I think hope is the worst thing sometimes.  Maybe if I didn't keep hoping my friends still wanted a relationship with me, I could just move on and get over them.  If the relationship is really dead, I want to know that so I can stop getting my hopes up and repeatedly having my hopes crushed.  It would be painful, and sad to accept that the friendship is really over, but it would be better than continuing to wonder.  I still haven't gotten an opportunity to talk to my pastor.  She was on vacation after the wedding, and I haven't heard that she's back yet.  I sent her an email a few weeks ago, but she hasn't responded yet.  I was just assuming that she hasn't checked her email for a while, but she sent me a forward today, so she must have seen the note I sent her...  Ugh.  I'm so tired of this.

 

Your 4th of July plans sound really cool.  I still don't know what I want to do.  My husband thinks he might be able to get off work before the fireworks start.  That would be cool.  Since he works nights, we haven't been able to watch the fireworks together since before we got married.  He's never been able to watch them with our girls.  I'd really like him to be able to be there.  I think it would mean more to him than anyone else.  I will definitely get the kiddie pool out this week and get my kids outside to play.  They love the water, and I like being outside in the sun. 

 

I'm so glad summer is here.  Now I just need to think of an inexpensive, but thoughtful gift for my husband for our anniversary.  It's on the 18th of this month.  Any ideas?  I'm thinking maybe something homemade...  I could crochet him a scarf!  Totally appropriate for July, right?  Lol.  I don't know...

 

Anyway, I hope you have a great day.  I will talk to you more. :)

 

Still praying,

Sarah

 

 

Dear Sarah. I am very sorry about the abuse story. I am doing ok. I don't at all have a case worker. I have one 2005. Nobody told me about jesus. On the night, 08/04/08. "him" touch me on my back, and saying very dumb things to me. I don't at all like that. I say no to "him" "him" is a very dumb man, and not at all me. I am a very smart man.  

 

 

From, Reed.
 

Dear . Renee. I am very sorry about the abuse story. I am doing ok. On the night, 08/04/08. "him" touch me on my back, and saying very dumb things to me. I don't at all like that. I say no to "him" "him" is a very dumb man, and not at all me. I am a very smart man. I have a dream on the night 08/04/08. About "him" killing a cop. "him" say to me that "I don't at all do that" That is a lie. I will seek help if thats is a big if theres a shower fight, or any kind of fight again. I take good showers too. I will tell my Jen, and Sheila about this too. I have this place Hubbard House, I will call them if that is a big fight again.

Dear . Renee. I am doing ok. I am very sorry about the abuse story. I am doing ok. On the night, 08/04/08. "him" touch me on my back, and saying very dumb things to me. I don't at all like that. I say no to "him" "him" is a very dumb man, and not at all me. I am a very smart man. I have a dream on the night 08/04/08. About "him" killing a cop. "him" say to me that "I don't at all do that" That is a lie. I will seek help if thats is a big if theres a shower fight, or any kind of fight again. I take good showers too. I will tell my Jen, and Sheila about this too. I have this place Hubbard House, I will call them if that is a big fight again.

From, Reed.

Dear Sarah. I am very sorry about the abuse story. I am doing ok. I don't at all have a case worker. I have one 2005. Nobody told me about jesus. On the night, 08/04/08. "him" touch me on my back, and saying very dumb things to me. I don't at all like that. I say no to "him" "him" is a very dumb man, and not at all me. I am a very smart man. On the night 08/04/08. I have a very bad dream that "him" is killing a cop. "him" is saying a lie to me that "I don't at all kill a cop." I have Hubbard House numbers. So I will called them if that is a big if anymore fights. 
 

  

  

From, Reed.
  

Hello!

 

Well, the Collective Soul part of the concert was really good last night.  But, I had never heard

of the 2nd group "LIVE" (or their songs) and  Blues Traveler never sang any of his songs I had

heard; so we left before the fireworks.  Since Red Rocks is open outdoors - get this- you

can't smoke cigarettes, but you CAN smoke pot.  (I do neither)  But, most of the concert goers

last night was doing both, plus, they were drunk off their rockers.  So that takes away alot from

enjoyment of the evening.  Plus, we had a few couples around us that were sooooo drunk &

high they were doing down and dirty lap dances - sick, sick, sick.  Oh well.

 

I don't know what "we" are doing today.  "I" want to do my own thing - but, I know they get

their feelings hurt if I don't go with them.  I should get a back bone & just tell them to go on

with their plans without me, but, the consequences aren't worth it.

 

I'm still thinking of something for you to do for your anniversary for your hubby. 

 

I've never asked where your family is or where you are from.?  Do you have relatives

nearby?

 

Well, I had better go find something to get into, so they'll have a legitimate reason to

fuss at me!!!!!  ;^) 

 

Be sweet - Renee'

Sarah,

How's it going?  Monday was hard on me as usual.  Especially after a long weekend.  I

pretty much did housework then went back to bed.  This is no existence.  Know what I mean?

 

It made me wonder as to what it will be like when I'm in my house.  Will I get out?  Or will

I just hang out with my poochie dog?  I would like to think I would have a "normal" life,

at least by my standards, but we'll see.

 

I felt sooo bad yesterday that I left a message on my doctor's machine that he's going

to have to add or go up on something.  He had said three weeks ago he was going to

add something new, but never did.  I guess it's time I start sharing some horror stories

with him.  I've been holding off to see if I could trust him or not - maybe he's been

doing the same.  Some of the things I've never told anyone, so I'll probably wait on those

details, but the ones that I had shared with my psychologist before, but haven't told

this doctor, I guess I could tell and see his response. 

 

I'm glad you went out on the fourth with your friend.  You needed to do that.  I know the

girls had fun, too!  (Even if you did get your booty wet!!!)  :>)

 

Well, I'd better go.  I have to get out of the house today to run some errands, so I'd better

go prepare!!!

Renee'