Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Did you meet your neighbors?  That would be so neat if you'd have someone to visit

and have kids in common.  They could play, you could visit (& possibly switch out

babysitting!!).  I know exactly what you mean!!  Once upon a time, I had that when my

kids were small & it sure helps - you (to get away) and the kids (to have playmates).

I went to my doctor yesterday and he wants me to stay on the new meds one more

week.  I told him I would against my better judgement and that I truly didn't want to -

because I feel sooooo bad.  My brother & sister-in-law were so wanting me to stop it,

even though the doctor said to keep taking it.  They said I have gone back at least 9

months in progress.  But, if that's the case, then, if I do get to stop it, I should get much

better.

I just feel awful - all over- & I hate it.  He said since I stayed in bed all weekend, it was my

choice & how did I know that if I had gotten out and done something, I wouldn't have

felt better?  One one hand, I understand what he's trying to say, but on the other hand,

what the heck is he trying to say?  I was out and doing (picking out stuff for my house)

running errands, etc.  Now, I don't feel like showering, it's pretty clear to me - but,

I've always, always, always done what my doctors wanted me to do.  Go up on meds,

go down on meds, add new ones, stop this one .............   See them once a week, twice

a week, every other week.  So, I don't want to start rocking the boat now.

You asked about my yard at the house.  The community does all of the landscaping &

upkeep on the outside of the houses.  They'll plant the trees, bushes, flowers -

water, cut back, etc.   I do have an area that is privacy fenced in out the back door, so

I can do something of "my own" there.  I am a rose fanatic - I've got to have at least

one rose bush!!!!   Back in Arkansas, I had 21 rose bushes (when the deer weren't

eating them!!!).  I enjoyed them so much and they smelled soooo good!  Once you get

the hang of them, they're not so hard to take care of as you hear.

Keep checking into the henna booth.  Do some research on it.  I have a friend back in AR

that does the craft show circuit in AR and LA and they make a second income doing it.

But, they custom frame and do iron work, but, they really enjoy it!!  You have to look at

available booth sights and what you're next to, size, etc.  You go girl!!!

Be sweet - talk to ya later.

Renee'

Hey Renee'

No, I haven't met the new neighbors yet.  One of my other neighbors thinks it's an older couple that moved in, so I guess we'll see, huh?

Maybe if you stay on the new med for a little longer it will start to make a positive difference.  You've got to keep a good attitude about it, and try not to lose hope that it might help.  I know it's awful right now, but I hope it will get better for you.

That's cool that your condo community will take care of the grass and trees and everything.  We have a similar arrangement, but it's called a condo association.  We have a private, fenced patio area too, but right now it's just rocks and weeds and a sidewalk.  I'd love to fix it up with some pretty flowers, and maybe some mulch, but I haven't gotten to it yet.  We've been here two years, and I still haven't found the time or the money.  Plus, I know practically nothing about gardening, so I worry that I'll pick out some lovely flowers, and get them all placed perfectly and planted and looking pretty, then they'll die within a month. :p Or, they miraculously survive until I turn my back on my kids for a second, and they'll rip them out.  For now, it's just an ugly space that's big enough for a kiddie pool, so at least it's functional.

I will keep looking into info on a possible henna business in my area, but I think it would be too much of an investment for us to make at this time.  More lack of time and money...

I hope you have a great weekend.  I will talk to you more later.

Sarah

Hey, Sarah!

Well, I did better this weekend.  I think maybe last week I was coming down with something

and that added to my being so melancholy and down.  I ran a fever on Thursday and

Friday, but, it seems to be gone now.  I hope so. 

I don't know about the new meds - I think I'll be finishing up the second week on it.  My

days are maybe better, but the nights are still awful.  I wonder if they'll ever get better.  I

had gotten to where I was taking over the counter sleep aides; but, I was afraid I was getting

hooked on them, (although, they say you can't), so I stopped taking them and am trying

it without.  So now I toss and turn and think and remember until the wee hours of the

morning.

When you get ready to fix up your little patio area, I'll be glad to give some suggestions -

that's right up my alley!  I'm going to have one of those, also.  It'll be as deep as the garage,

and go out to where the den area stops.  It will have a 6 foot privacy fence.  As long as it

is big enough to put a Hibachi grill on it, I'm happy!!

Is it hot there?  We're going on the 3rd or 4th week of 90's here, so all of these Colorado

people are just dying of heat stroke!!  In Arkansas, we'd pray for 90's just to get below the

100's!  (plus the humidity there will choke you)  Oh well, those days are gone for me now!!

I'm a Coloradian!?  Whatever!    :)

Well, enough for now - talk at you later -

Renee'

Hey Renee'

Your house is really looking nice.  It's getting there, huh?  That's great. :) You'll have to let me know what you do with your patio area, and maybe I can steal some of your ideas.

It has been pretty hot here this last week.  Between 98 and 103 most days. :p Our air conditioner doesn't work very well, either, so we play outside in the water most of the time.  It's the only place we can stay cool.  And, I finally met my new neighbor.  It's not a couple with kids, it's a lady with a dog.  She seems nice, though, so that's cool.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better.  I hope you continue to get better.  That would be awful trying to adjust to a new medication while you're sick.  It must be even harder if you're not sleeping.  I've heard that there are some new prescription sleep meds that are non-habit-forming.  Maybe your doctor could have you try something?  As for the memories, I know you can't "just forget" the past.  Maybe you could try to focus on something else, though.  Maybe memorize some Bible verses and repeat them to yourself until you fall asleep.  Maybe it could keep the memories out of your mind.  Philippians 4:7 says, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."  It sounds to me like you could really use some peace, Renee'.  That's what I'll be praying for you this week.  You should also see Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."   I know you can't always keep the bad things from entering your mind, but I believe you can keep them from staying there.  Drive out the bad with the good.  If your mind is full of Christ, there will be room for nothing that is not of Him.  Fear, and shame, and worry are not of Him, and they are not for you.

I will keep praying for you, Renee'.  God wants you to have His peace, and I know you can find it. :)

With love and prayer,

Sarah

Sorry it's been so long since I've written.  I've missed our "chats"!! 

I've just been trying to stay busy & "fight" all that's going on.  On the weekend, my

brother & sister-in-law keep me busy and I don't have the time to get to the computer.

Progress is being made on my house!!  It now has windows, exterior doors, and the

stairs are up.  I was able to go in and actually go upstairs & walk around and say -

this is my room, my bathroom, etc.  Too cool!!

How's all with you?  Anything new going on?  How's the little one's?

My son is ready to head back to college and get in his routine and my daughter is

working hard at her job, but, it is really paying off!!  This is the first time since she was

16 that she has had only one job at a time & not had to go to school at the same time!!

(that was thanks to her dad)  So, she didin't know what it would be like to be a "normal"

working gal!!

Well, better go and do some things.  Talk at you later.  Have a good one!!

Renee'

Wow, windows, and doors?  That sounds like it's really coming along quickly.  That must be so exciting.  It's hard to believe that they still have a few more months to go. 

I missed you this week.  I hope you had a good one.  Anything else going on?  Did your doctor take you off the new medication, or are you still trying it?  There's not a whole lot going on here.  I've been a little bored with my life these last couple of days, and I've been spending way too much time on the computer. :p I feel like I need to do something new.  Like learn something new, or grow in some way.  I just don't know what.  My friend is fluent in Norwegian, and I love foreign languages; maybe I should ask her to teach me Norwegian.  Or, maybe I should try a new kind of art or craft.  I just feel like I need some kind of challenge.  Some days, I think I do nothing but diapers, dishes and laundry, and I want to do something that would make me use my brain a little.

I think that's all that's going on with me right now.  Nothing too exciting.  I'm going to babysit my one-year-old niece in an hour, so I should go get dressed, I guess.  She's a little cutie, so it should be fun having her here to play with my girls for a few hours.  I will talk to you more later, Renee'.  Hope you have a great week.

Sarah

Hey Sarah!!

Sorry I haven't written much, but have had a lot going on and all of it has been spaced

out enough that I haven't been able to get to the computer.

Yes, my house is coming along quite nicely.  They've already started bricking it!!  There's

plumbing pipes in, and the air/heat duct work in some areas, also.

I don't have my e-mail anymore.  Suddenlink cut it off (even though I was paying for it) because

someone has bought the house in Arkansas and needed a clear cable.  It seems that

it was never to be set up like that anyway, since I had had the cable cut off when I sold it

to the realtor last year.

Finding out that someone was moving into "my" old house bummed me out on top of

several other things that have been going on.  Now, it all seems so final.  I'll just be going

back to get my things and I won't have any other reason to go back.  That breaks my heart,

because my parents are buried there, and I was raised there, so I should have some kind

of ties there.  At least of some sort.  But, I think when I move my things out here, I'll just

plan on a clean break and starting over - new life.

Some other thinks have been going on, but I can't write about them right now.  I will later

when some people are out of the house.

Talk to you soon - (promise !!)

Renee'

Hey Renee'

I was wondering why I didn't get my weekly picture of the progress on your house.  I guess if you don't have email anymore, that would be a pretty good explanation, huh?  I'm sorry your house is being sold, but you seem to have a good outlook on it.  I like your idea of starting a new life. 

Since you can't talk about what else is going on until "some people" are gone, I'm going to assume that your brother and his wife are bothering you.  What are they up to now? 

I've been thinking about calling a Navy recruiter to see if I'm eligible to join.  I was going to join after I got out of high school, but changed my mind at the last minute.  I've always wondered if that was a mistake.  It would be so hard to leave my little girls to go to Basic Training, and then specialized training for whatever job I would do, though.  I just really need to pray about it and be sure that I'm following God's will for me.  I was convinced that the Navy was where God wanted me to go six years ago, but then I joined a cult, and got so confused.  They told me I would be disgracing my father, my brothers, my future husband, and my pastor.  And, God, and myself, of course.  They taught that women should not wear pants, or cut their hair, and they told me that the Navy would make me do those things.  They convinced me that the Navy would brainwash me and turn me into someone God wouldn't be pleased with.  It seems so ridiculous now when I look back on it.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I believed that crap.  I left the cult about five years ago, and since then, I've rethought and reversed every decision I made while in the cult, except the one not to join the Navy.  So, now I'm rethinking that...  It's been on my mind all week, and I just can't get it to go away, so I guess I need to deal with it.  I'll let you know if I decide anything.

Well, I need to get my crabby kids to bed now.  I hope to hear from you soon.  Let me know what's going on with you.  Hope you have a great week.

Sarah

Well, Miss Sarah!!

You certainly threw me a loop on that last post!!!  The Navy!   HHmmmmm --------- let me think on

that one for a while.

Yep, you were right - it's my brother & sister-in-law.  My sister-in-law is a piece of work.  She got

mad at my brother over something that remotely shouldn't  have mattered, but of course, it

has to do with me being in the house in a round about way.  I left the main floor & came upstairs

and after she left (to punish him) he came upstairs crying to me on how he had "messed up".

I told him he's 51, and she's got bigger balls than he does!!  I can't believe she treats him

so badly and he just takes it.  I know I'm on the outside and have formed definite opinions

of them as a couple and individually, but, my gosh, give me a freakin' break.  She does no wrong

in her opinion which leaves all of the mistakes to my brother & myself; personally I have been

apologizing all of my life for my mistakes, short-comings, etc. and for tons of those I

didn't make and I'm finally tired of it!!!!

I told him just 3 (long) more months and I'd be out of the immediate picture and they

can see I'm not the problem.  Not that I want them to have problems, but they won't have

me to blame their's on.

I have felt soooooo good today so I'll take it while I can!!!!  I hope it lasts at least a day or

two more!!!!!

Okay, the Navy.  Wow, what does your husband think?  Did he know you had already

thought of it before?  How is your stamina?  What would you be interested in studying?

I really don't know much about the Navy.  I have an Uncle that just retired a 3 star general

from the Air Force and boy, did it treat him right!!  He has like 3 masters, bumped shoulders

with the President, people way up in the government in foreign countries and even had

tea with the Queen of England and the Prince!!!   But, you have to take into account that

he was over many of the largest Air Force bases in existence!!!  I think his webpage is

genmike.com; I'll have to check; but, you can google him - his name is General Michael

Wooley - he's married to my Aunt.  Let me know what you're thinking as it goes.  Where

would you be?

Better go - be nice to my baby girls!!  They can't be too crabby, now, can they?  ;)

Renee'

Hey Renee'

OK, so a little more about me and the Navy: I was enlisted in the Delayed Entry Program right before I graduated high school.  I was going to be an interpreter, and I was tested and qualified for the most difficult languages, like Arabic, Chinese, and Korean.  So, I was supposed to leave for Basic Training in October, and then go to CA to learn a language.  My husband and I were very good friends at that time, and he and I both joined the cult(obviously we didn't think it was a cult at the time) in June.  By July, our "pastor" had me so confused that I wasn't even the same person.  I lost most of my friends, alienated my family, and wasn't allowed to be a counselor at the kids summer Bible camp that I loved so much.  I didn't really care, though, because I was convinced that I had finally found the truth and thought I was following God's will.  I told my recruiter that I couldn't join the Navy, and was eventually released from my contract in September.  While in the cult, I was taught that women shouldn't speak in church when men were present, they shouldn't wear jewelry or makeup, they shouldn't cut or dye their hair, they shouldn't wear pants, and they have to wear veils over their heads when they pray.  Since leaving the cult, I've gone back to the person I used to be, and no longer follow any of those rules.  I feel like I've erased almost all evidence of that experience, except for my history with the Navy.  That was a dream for me, and I gave it up for all the wrong reasons.  Now, I'm afraid to call a recruiter to find out if I'm still eligible to join, because I don't want to lose the hope that maybe someday I can get that dream back.

So, anyway, enough about me.  Your sister-in-law sounds like someone who would be difficult to like.  It must be so hard to live with her.  I don't know how I would handle someone treating one of my brothers like that.  That would make me pretty mad, I think.  I understand that you don't want them to have problems, but that you do want them to see that you're not the problem.  That makes sense.  It's not that you want them to keep having troubles after you're gone, just that you know they will, and you hope then they will have to see that the problem is with them, and not with you.  Maybe if they stop blaming you for the trouble in their relationship, they can own up to the problems and do something about them.  You know, like Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."  Just keep counting down to September...your day of freedom...

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so good today.  Are you still taking that new medication that you were trying, or did your doctor let you stop taking it?  I hope you can find something to give you more days of feeling good. :)

I will talk to you more later, and keep you posted on any new information on the Navy.  Have another great day, OK? :)

Sarah