Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Well, Miss Sarah!!

You certainly threw me a loop on that last post!!!  The Navy!   HHmmmmm --------- let me think on

that one for a while.

Yep, you were right - it's my brother & sister-in-law.  My sister-in-law is a piece of work.  She got

mad at my brother over something that remotely shouldn't  have mattered, but of course, it

has to do with me being in the house in a round about way.  I left the main floor & came upstairs

and after she left (to punish him) he came upstairs crying to me on how he had "messed up".

I told him he's 51, and she's got bigger balls than he does!!  I can't believe she treats him

so badly and he just takes it.  I know I'm on the outside and have formed definite opinions

of them as a couple and individually, but, my gosh, give me a freakin' break.  She does no wrong

in her opinion which leaves all of the mistakes to my brother & myself; personally I have been

apologizing all of my life for my mistakes, short-comings, etc. and for tons of those I

didn't make and I'm finally tired of it!!!!

I told him just 3 (long) more months and I'd be out of the immediate picture and they

can see I'm not the problem.  Not that I want them to have problems, but they won't have

me to blame their's on.

I have felt soooooo good today so I'll take it while I can!!!!  I hope it lasts at least a day or

two more!!!!!

Okay, the Navy.  Wow, what does your husband think?  Did he know you had already

thought of it before?  How is your stamina?  What would you be interested in studying?

I really don't know much about the Navy.  I have an Uncle that just retired a 3 star general

from the Air Force and boy, did it treat him right!!  He has like 3 masters, bumped shoulders

with the President, people way up in the government in foreign countries and even had

tea with the Queen of England and the Prince!!!   But, you have to take into account that

he was over many of the largest Air Force bases in existence!!!  I think his webpage is

genmike.com; I'll have to check; but, you can google him - his name is General Michael

Wooley - he's married to my Aunt.  Let me know what you're thinking as it goes.  Where

would you be?

Better go - be nice to my baby girls!!  They can't be too crabby, now, can they?  ;)

Renee'

Hey Renee'

OK, so a little more about me and the Navy: I was enlisted in the Delayed Entry Program right before I graduated high school.  I was going to be an interpreter, and I was tested and qualified for the most difficult languages, like Arabic, Chinese, and Korean.  So, I was supposed to leave for Basic Training in October, and then go to CA to learn a language.  My husband and I were very good friends at that time, and he and I both joined the cult(obviously we didn't think it was a cult at the time) in June.  By July, our "pastor" had me so confused that I wasn't even the same person.  I lost most of my friends, alienated my family, and wasn't allowed to be a counselor at the kids summer Bible camp that I loved so much.  I didn't really care, though, because I was convinced that I had finally found the truth and thought I was following God's will.  I told my recruiter that I couldn't join the Navy, and was eventually released from my contract in September.  While in the cult, I was taught that women shouldn't speak in church when men were present, they shouldn't wear jewelry or makeup, they shouldn't cut or dye their hair, they shouldn't wear pants, and they have to wear veils over their heads when they pray.  Since leaving the cult, I've gone back to the person I used to be, and no longer follow any of those rules.  I feel like I've erased almost all evidence of that experience, except for my history with the Navy.  That was a dream for me, and I gave it up for all the wrong reasons.  Now, I'm afraid to call a recruiter to find out if I'm still eligible to join, because I don't want to lose the hope that maybe someday I can get that dream back.

So, anyway, enough about me.  Your sister-in-law sounds like someone who would be difficult to like.  It must be so hard to live with her.  I don't know how I would handle someone treating one of my brothers like that.  That would make me pretty mad, I think.  I understand that you don't want them to have problems, but that you do want them to see that you're not the problem.  That makes sense.  It's not that you want them to keep having troubles after you're gone, just that you know they will, and you hope then they will have to see that the problem is with them, and not with you.  Maybe if they stop blaming you for the trouble in their relationship, they can own up to the problems and do something about them.  You know, like Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."  Just keep counting down to September...your day of freedom...

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so good today.  Are you still taking that new medication that you were trying, or did your doctor let you stop taking it?  I hope you can find something to give you more days of feeling good. :)

I will talk to you more later, and keep you posted on any new information on the Navy.  Have another great day, OK? :)

Sarah

Hey there, missie!

It sounds like things were going in the right direction for you until you got sidetracked

with the cult.  Boy, to be so young, you are wise beyond your years.  You've got to

give yourself credit for that!!  You've come a long way, baby!!  I sure would like to meet

you someday!

I went to my doctor today - my emotional state last week and this week were at the

opposite polar ends.  I told him I didn't know how long this good "mood"  was going to

last, but, I'm enjoying every minute of it.  I told him all about this weekend and he was

pleased I didn't take it all on myself and make myself sick.  I don't know if I ever told you

that I cut; but, I took him the razor blade about 2 weeks ago and told him I was stopping.

So far, so good.  I'd have to go buy some, if I'm going to cut, so I'm not going to.  And I

refuse to use knives at this point.  For some reason in my head, I think a knife would

hurt worse, but, cutting is cutting, so I don't get it.  Whatever!!!   :+}

Keep me informed as you are thinking about the Navy.  If it something you're really

feeling led to do, go ahead and check on it.  What can it hurt?  You could start looking

in a different direction if you had to.

Love ya,

Renee'

Hi, Renee'

You always have such nice things to say to me.  Thank you for your support.  I would like to meet you some day too.  That would be so cool. :)

Well, I talked to a recruiter today.  He told me that dropping out of the Delayed Entry Program won't keep me out of the Navy now.  That was a relief.  I told him about the swallowing food problem that I have, and he'd never heard of it, but didn't think it would be a problem.  That might still get in the way, but I'm still trusting God to heal me there, so maybe after He does...?  The recruiter said that there shouldn't be any problem with me joining, and if I joined the Reserves, I wouldn't have to be away from my family too much.  An average of six months for basic training and "A" school(job training).  If I go for the Interpreter job, though, that "A" school would be longer.  So, I would be away from my family more, of course.  So, now I just need to talk to my husband about it more, and talk to my pastor, and of course, talk to God the most.  I'll keep you posted.

So, I'm glad you're not cutting anymore.  That's good.  I've heard that can be a really hard thing to quit, but I'm sure you can do it.  If you need any specific prayer, I'm always here. 

I have to go get my baby down for a nap, but I wanted to let you know what's going on.  I will talk to you more later.

Sarah

Well, did you have a good weekend?  What did you do?

My weekend went as usual, only worse for the wear.  My brother and sister-in-law decided

to tell me how much I owe them since I became ill and they brought me out here!!  So,

needless to say, I was thrown for a loop.  (It's around 45,000 dollars)  I've been about

to throw up ever since.  Between my house note, monthly bills, paying them back and

whatever else pops up, I won't have anything left over.  I'll be purely working to pay the bills.

I know, most people in the world do that, but, I wanted a new start; not the same old thing.

Sorry, I'm just really, really depressed over this whole thing.  I knew I owed them money,

but not that much.  Plus, had they let me go back to Arkansas, instead of cutting off all of

my ties, my house note would be half of what it is here.  But, they had taken care of my job

for me, too,  --------- ugghhhh.   Here or there, I guess it really doesn't matter.

Maybe I'd better just go for now and write when I feel a little better.  See ya----

Renee'

Oh, Renee', I'm so sorry.  That sucks.  I really don't like your brother and sister-in-law.  They don't seem like nice people at all.  What ever happened to people helping their family just because they're family and not expecting to be paid back?  What kind of selfish person keeps a record of every penny spent helping someone?  It's not like they spent that money fueling a drug or gambling addiction.  It's not like they bought you a yacht or anything.  Why can't they just be proud of themselves for doing the right thing, and let that be their payment?  Is money really that important to them?  Even if that's a lot of money for them, you can't put a price on family.  Or, maybe you can.  Maybe I should start keeping a tab for my daughters.  Let's see, with the hospital bills they already owe me quite a bit just for bringing them into this world.  Then there's the cost of feeding them, clothing them, and diapers, of course... Man, after they go to college and get some high-paying jobs, they're going to spend a long time paying me back.  Maybe I should find some kind of child labor that they can do now, just to get them started early.  In case it's not obvious, that's all meant with sarcasm.  They should really come up with a specific font style just for sarcasm...

Anyway, I really hope your week gets better.  I think it would help if you find something to laugh at, so I hope this helps:  Try making a mental image of your brother and his wretched wife trapped in a porta potty.  It gets better.  Imagine the porta potty falling down on it's side, and then rolling down a hill, with them inside.  It's even more fun if you picture the looks on their faces.  I hope this helps to cheer you up a little.  It always helps me. :)

I'll keep you in my prayers, as always.  Hope to hear from you more soon.

Sarah

You actually had me cracking up with that one!!  I needed it!   My emotions have been in

total chaos since Saturday.  I WOULD LOVE to see them in a rolling (full) porta potty!!!

I've been asking and asking for an "amount"  and would get - "oh, don't worry about it,

we just want you to get well".  Well, my butt.  Anyway ........

How about a little good news?   I found out while ago my house will be ready in Oct!!!!!!!

Hallelujah!!!!!!   Too bad I can't afford food now after I get in it!  Hee Hee 

Back to this weekend - I had two setbacks.  #1, I cut again  and #2, I dyed my hair black.

But - at least I didn't cut it!!!!    (I have lightish brown/blonde hair)   But, the way I look at

it, that beat my alternatives. 

What you said about your girls is exactly what I told my doctor this morning.  It would be like

me writing my daughter and saying, remember the graduation trip to Florida?  Well, guess

what?  Here's your part of the condo rent, your food, and your souvenirs.  Oh, I told you it

was a present?  OOoops, sorry, now pay up.  

They even put their airfare tickets in the total when they had to come see me in the hospital

in Arkansas.  (probably meals, too)  Oh well, such is life.  Speaking of which, my sister-

in-law informed me during all of this that "nothing in life is perfect".  Oh, My, Gosh...

If I had had the strength to look up at that point, I would have seriously hurt her and not

cared.  But, I'm most disappointed in my brother through all of this.  He's really on the low

end of the pole in my opinion.  Shame on him.

By the time I'm in the house, the amount is probably going to near $60,000.  Because we

still have round trip airfare to AR to seperate my things, get a moving company to bring

what I need out here and closing costs.  Then I told them no more.  They won't be putting

things on my "tab" that I thought they were just doing to help me out.  My problem is how to

pay them back in one lump sum, so I don't have to pay them every month until I die.  I'd

rather get a loan and pay a financial institution monthly and be done with it.  That way I can't

be the issue and I can't be a wedge in between them.

Well, enough venting for now.  Thanks, Sarah, for being here for me.  I feel so alone.  I don't

have anyone to call.  Not even anyone to give me one hug.

Love ya,

Renee'

My father was a violent, abusive, alcoholic when I was a child.  After I grew up, he

stopped drinking and turned into a different person.  He is a better father now but

has never apologized, never expressed any guilt or even acts like he has done anything

wrong.

He has  step grandchildren that he has almost raised.  He treats those kids so kind

and they love him dearly. 

I only see my dad a couple weeks a year.  When he is around, all he can talk about is

his (step) grandchildren.  He was visiting this year around Fathers Day, after I gave him a

present, he said thank you, let me tell you about a card my (his step granddaughter)

gave me(and his wife) this year.  He went on to let me know she wrote that the only

good part of her childhood was with them.  How much she loved him and how lucky

she was to have such a great person as a grandfather and he was like a dad to her.

I WANTED TO SAY - I wish I had that type of childhood as well.  If I had to send you a

card it would say, thank you for beating me and my siblings and mother.  Thank you

for making us have to sneak out of the bedroom window in the snow without shoes

on because you were in a drunken tirade.  Thank you for shooting at our car that same

night.  Thank you for breaking my nose when I was nine years old.  Thank you for not

sending child support after my mom divorced you.  Did you know that we very often

went without food because of that.  Thank you for not wanting me and my siblings

after our mother died when we were pre teens.  We were sent to another abusive

home that wanted my younger siblings but not myself, so I was tossed from home

to home until I turned eighteen.  I could go on and on and on.

It just hurts me so bad that he acts like nothing ever happened and he thinks he is

father of the year.  My dad is getting old and is very sick.  We have never discussed

anything that happened in the past.  I don't even know how to approach the subject.

Any suggestions?

Well, both of my parents and all 4 of my grandparents have passed away.  I took care of them

when they were sick and until they passed away - with my mother being the hardest to take

care of since we had no relationship and she was abusive to me my whole life.

I only told her my thoughts once or twice my whole life, which I lived to regret.  But, knowing

what I know now, I think I would go ahead and discuss my past with her, regardless of it's

outcome.  At least I would know for myself I had told her what I felt and how she has affected

me and my life.

If I were you, try to pick the right time and tell him that it really hurts you to hear how

wonderful his other relationships are and how you feel you have none with him.  Tell

him how hard it is for you to bring it up, but you feel you need to discuss it to move on.

He'll either understand or he won't.  It's his decision to own up to it.  It's your

decision whether or not you truly want to talk to him about it.  Personally, I'd go for it.

Let me know what you decide.

Renee'

Hi Renee'

Sorry I took a while to get back to you.  Sounds like you've had a rough week.  After picturing your sister-in-law rolling in the porta potty, you should imagine her complaining about the poo water that got into her nose.  Then, you can tell her, "Well, nothing in life is perfect."  That woman sounds like a very unhappy person.   Maybe she's just really, really constipated.  That would probably make me grumpy.  But, what does she have against you?  Did you piss in her Cheerios, or what?  If not, are you now planning to, since I gave you the idea?  Lol.

On the upside, though, you can get out of there a month sooner than you thought before.  That's great that your house is going to be done earlier than November.  If you can't get that state-of-the-art relative deterrent system yet, maybe you can just train your vicious puppy to attack. ;)

Try not to beat yourself up about cutting.  I think that would be a very difficult thing to quit without a setback or two.  Don't give up on it just because you slipped up.  Give yourself permission to start fresh and keep moving forward.

That's weird that you dyed your hair black.  I did too.  I dyed mine two weeks ago, and I've been trying to get the color to fade since then.  It looks OK, but I just want my natural brown color back.  I don't know how long it's going to take to grow it out, but I'm thinking of cutting it super short so that it will seem like it's growing out faster.

Anyway, I hope this week will be better for you.  Maybe the humor of the porta potty party will give you a mood lift. :) I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sarah