Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Quote From: lookin4hlp

I just want to say that I'm glad to see you posting somewhere...I was worried about you when I saw your last post on the other board.   

I rarely check this board and not sure if I even have posted over here before, but wondered if you posted here.  I have been so busy lately that I haven't been able to find enough emotional strength to come to the message boards much.  Anyway, I know that you are going through a rough time, but I'm glad to see that you are still "talking" here.  Take care and ((hugs)). 

Quote From: lonesome

Hello, 

  

I know how you feel-with therapists and all-I also had a huge dissapointment with mine.  Now its the whole trust issue and finding a new one.  My ensurance wont pay either and  they are not exactly the cheapest of cheap.  I dont post on the depression boards, im quite new and havent posted many anywhere.  I realy dont know how you people cope for so long.  You all sound much older than me and it sounded as if everything worked out perfectly for you people.  To me, well its still very dark and confusing.  I think its because i have only recently admitted that my abuse is an issue and its effecting my life.  But i cant see how therapy is gonna work....Its not going to erase all the replays and actions that plays of in my mind..... 

  

Lonesome 

Quote From: blazes06

It is a struggle. I have recurrant episodies of major depression all the time. I use to be one to hold every thing in. NO one knew what i was going thru. how can anyone help if they dontknow. True friends will stay w ith you no matter what. Those who arent your friends will back away. Its a hard thing to do but worth it.  

I did it and i have fewer friends but the friends that are there are strong for me. and i can rely on them totally... It makes a differece believe me.  

My parents put everything under the rug too. Its real it happened. Last nite i confronted one of my cousins on the issue. Where or not he remember it happening to me and he did. I am so angry at him for not coming foward or helping me. He said just get over it. Hard to do......  

Let those friends in. Please. So you dont have to be  lonely.  

Hang in there.  

Blaze  

Quote From: mjkkas

Yes some therapists can be a disappointment. I have had a couple of those and recently also. 

I am 41 and have been working on this for a few years. I was also in an abusive marriage for about 14 years. So it just added to my recovery of all this. I want you to know that you are not alone. There can be so many well intended people and friends that try to comfort us or some just stay away. The best thing you can do is try to connect with others that have been through the same things as you.  It seems no matter how hard we try to get someone to understand us, they just don't get it. It isn't that they are bad or uncaring, if they have not experienced it, they just can't grasp it. 

Therapy, affective therapy, can really be a great help. TO help us understand that we are not responsible for what happened. TO help us learn to not be a victim anymore, to learn how to cope with all this. Change our way of thinking of ourselves, that we are lovable and worthy of being loved and happy. That we don't have to settle for less than we deserve because of what has happened to us. That is the way that I have felt, so if it isn't the way you are feeling, then I am sorry, but we all care about everyone here, I hope that you will consider finding a good therapist. 

Quote From: lonesome

In the world of drugs-i was the "god"-people idolised me.  when i decided its time to quit-they did to.  I never believed they are true friends but it was nice to know that there were lots of them.  Now i have one true friend.  All of this is too much for her to handle.  I never told her out of my own, she asked me, she knew a girl that went through the same thing when they were little.  She has problems of her own to battle with.  She went through things and i went through stuff-and its only the two of us that know about each other's secrets. 

  

My cousin studies psycology-she recons I suffer from Double depression-apparantly its a lighter version of bipolar disorder.  I definatly need treatment to help me with that.  It attacks me like a heartattack.  I never know when Im going down or how long thats gonna last. 

  

I am not some one that makes friends easily, ive been let down so many times-now i check people out first.  Where I stay people choose to ignore stuff like that... 

Quote From: mjkkas

Below I have a link to a monument for child sexual abuse survivors. There it has peoples stories and the affects on them. Anyway look at it and go to different parts of it and even print some of it up and show your family how this has affected your life. 

Most of the time I feel that family that does not support us is because of the fact that they would have to take responsibility for it. Your cousin/brother saw this happening to you, right? I had seen some of your other posts on another board, if this is true, then he should have done something to stop it. When we are kids, we don't always know what is wrong and right, our guts do (we just don't know how to trust our guts though) you were probably hoping that he would have stopped it. Because he didn't it was confusing to you, maybe you thought there was nothing wrong or he would surely have done something about it. He was a teenager, still a kid, but old enough I would say.  

You are angry and you have every right to be angry, you don't get over it! You learn to deal with it and it can get to where it doesn't rule your life, but it is still there. You were not protected or comforted or validated! Those are the things that we really need. I know I need and needed them. Check this site out, it really is a good place to get information, when I first looked through it I cried, because it was like someone really knows how I feel. I needed that too. I don't know that Ireally helped you, but,  you do have a right to be angry and they don't want to take responsibility for what they did not do for you. So they blame you/us and we almost always will take on that responsibility ourselves. Put it where it belongs, but maybe wait until you are not so emotional and angry about it. Read and think carefully about it. Maybe write things down, even if you don't send it. Anything that could be helpful to you. 

http://www.irvingstudios.com/child_abuse_survivor_monument/Personal.htm 

Quote From: lonesome

I am trying, but i am struggeling to keep up, i have lots on my mind.  Everything gets to me.  At the moment i am rock bottom, and everything is going wrong.  I find fault in evrything, am veery very depressed.  I was thinking maybe i should speak up, one of his friends, a very nice guy, keeps on asking me why i am so angry at him, i think he is under the empression that i am upset and angry because he told my parents i was using drugs.  I dont know how he found out.  I think maybe its time that his friends know what type of person he really his.  The other problem is my parents.  They chose to ignore everything after they found out what he was doing to me when they were not home.  Now i sit with all the depression and everything going with it.  They wont handle it very good and i dont have the energy to handle their reaction aswell.  I have no-one with me on this, I am totally alone-dont know what to do and i cant see how therapy is going to work.  Loneliness is killing me and i really dont want to grow old alone-but its probably my destiny...

Quote From: lonesome

Here where i am from therapists are as easy to find as casinos in Las Vegas.  Ok, here is lots, but how do i  pick one?  Do i randomly choose one and hope for the best and get dissappointments again?  That is the problem.  I dont even go to a normal medical practisionar.  I just dont like people like that, theyre gonna know whats cooking with me and the thought that there is some one out there that knows whats going on in my life just doesnt do it for me. 

  

I am considering that, because i was told i suffer from some kind of depression-Double Depression-The stages I go through-the rolercoaster rides dont do anything for me.  If i can get treatment for that, then itll help alot.  And besides, my medical ensurance dont cover therapy-and at the moment I cant afford it. 

Quote From: blazes06

Thanks you so much. your support and understanding of this is unbelievable. its exactly how i feel. its been in me for so long. i was very angy and still am. i go see my therapist. i blew up at the bank lady for some stupid reason. therapist said because i opened that door and asked about it . and didnt get validate that it caused me to be that way. i am not normally that way.  

She is going to get me in so we can discuss it. I feel exhusted now.  

The fact that i wasnt protected and validated and then to have him say its what teenagers do. Just thru me ino a angryness i havent felt for awhile.  

thanks for that web site. will look it up.  

  

hope your doing good.  

cant think much today. sorry.  

blaze