Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I am 47 years old...my life was ruined by CSA...I suffer from depression, social anxiety and PTSD symptoms, and I don't even remember all of my abuse.  I only remember I was 5 and led out to the outhouse by an adult male.  I only see their p**is in front of my face and him saying, "touch it".  The next thing I remember I was in the corner of the back yard watching myself run in my little yellow nighty from the outhouse back into the house.  I don't remember much of my childhood...most memories are outside...I don't have many indoor memories.   

Oddly enough, the sexual abuse of my son by my brother devestated me more than my own.  The wall of secrecy and denial was so powerful in my family it took me 17 years to tell my brother I did not want him in my life anymore.  I was gradually ostracized by the rest of the family.  I am totally isolated and alone.    

Child Sexual Abuse destroys lives and I am writing this message because when I read the list of upcoming shows there was only one on this topic and it was. "have you been falsly accused of child molestation?".  I and some other parent's of sexually abused children in my online support group wrote to the Dr. Phil show expressing our concern that all sides of this story should get equal time...   

so they changed it to "have you been falsly accused of a crime".  All well and good...we made a difference and prevented a show that would have validated molesters in denial.  But what about the children??????????????  What about the parents who are also traumatized that this has happened to their child.     

I so wish my son was ready to talk about this...I would go on the show in a second!  He once mentioned Dr. Phil and asking for help with his marijuana addiction. I said I would write to Doctor Phil and then he quickly changed his mind saying, "No, I don't want to air my dirty laundry in public."  I told him he doesn't have any dirty laundry but he changed the subject.  Maybe someday he will be ready.  This topic needs to be talked about openly without shame and secrecy and stigma.   

No one can take your TRUTH AWAY!  Please stop and breath....and realize there are millions of people out in the world like US!  Next know I do not work for Dr. Phil....just a person whose life was profoundly effected June 1, 05  I was actually contemplating ending my life.  Deciding becoming invisible or becoming magnificent.  I used to weigh 330pounds.  I am now 157.  I used to get high get drunk to cover up all the dysfunctional BS of childhood BS incest.  When all my coping skills were removed and all my tricks were gone I had no more cushions..PLEASE GO OUT TODAY and buy DR. PHIL'S BOOK  LIFE STRATEGIES  IT SAVED ME. I am shouting this off the roof tops on THE EAST COAST IN THE USA to all that will hear me. 

EVERYONE will come up with a million excuses not to get better but believe me...IF YOU REALLY MEANT your post you will run to your local BOOK STORE or order it here on line!... 

It talks about the web of lies of family of origin and really you will find out how deep this BS really goes.' 

TODAY I VALIDATE YOUR MIND! 

TODAY YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR HAVEN. 

TODAY you are safe. 

TODAY you have found your new home. 

TODAY you can start living a sanity you never new... 

Dirty Laundry?  SHAKE IT SHOW IT AND BE PROUD!  You did NOTHING WRONG!  You were an innocent child yourself!  They were sick not you......GODBLESS you and give you strength thru me! 

Your friend LABLEFREE! 

Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement.  It really helped me yesterday.  I have been sitting in this apartment feeling like my feet are in cement for too long...after I read your post I went for a nice long walk.  It was the words..."You were an innocent child yourself!  They were sick not you" that did it I think.  Amazing how powerful and insideous shame can be.  But I wonder if someday someone will be saying those words to my children about me, because of the way  

my ability to parent was effected by CSA.  I did not do it very well.  I sometimes feel like screaming, "Wait, I want another chance!!!  I so wanted to be a good mother.  And now it's too late.   

Some people believe that when a child is abused sexually, there are physiological changes that take place...permanent ones, hormonally and chemically.  

 In addition to depression and anxiety and all that comes with it...I suffer from sever PMDD which has also been linked to childhood sexual abuse...how can reading a book help me with that?  I know it will validate me and make me feel better emotionally, temporarilly, but what about mentally and physically?  I feel like damaged goods...and I'm angry and I ask why when I'm at my lowest.  

I am going to go to the library to get the book and read it, though.  I have nothing to lose. 

Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement.  It really helped me yesterday.  I have been sitting in this apartment feeling like my feet are in cement for too long...after I read your post I went for a nice long walk.  It was the words..."You were an innocent child yourself!  They were sick not you" that did it I think.  Amazing how powerful and insideous shame can be.  But I wonder if someday someone will be saying those words to my children about me, because of the way  

my ability to parent was effected by CSA.  I did not do it very well.  I sometimes feel like screaming, "Wait, I want another chance!!!  I so wanted to be a good mother.  And now it's too late.   

Some people believe that when a child is abused sexually, there are physiological changes that take place...permanent ones, hormonally and chemically.  

 In addition to depression and anxiety and all that comes with it...I suffer from sever PMDD which has also been linked to childhood sexual abuse...how can reading a book help me with that?  I know it will validate me and make me feel better emotionally, temporarilly, but what about mentally and physically?  I feel like damaged goods...and I'm angry and I ask why when I'm at my lowest.  

I am going to go to the library to get the book and read it, though.  I have nothing to lose. 

We can only live in THIS day!  I have also been at your lowest....BELIEVE ME...AS YOU READ that book it will get you ANGERIER BEYOND BELIEF  KEEP READING  what's going to happening is your Corp will POP! and freedom is on the other side of that releae TRUST me.... 

Damaged goods?  GOD DOESNT make Damaged...He makes us all perfect the eway he sees fit for his reasons....We can not judge GOD....There is a reason and a bigger picture for everything....Just believe that! 

Good luck on your reading journey.... 

You have EVERYTHING TO GAIN EXPECIALLY YOURSELF...... GODBLESS YOU  xoox 

I totally agree with the wanting second chances.I just don't understand the anger of a book .why bother if it causes anger? 

have a good one.cathy 

that has been built up inside over years and years upon years of abuse and neglect and abandonment by people who were placed to be entrusted caregivers such as (PARENTS, and such) to now the people reading said book  (you or I )  and now are able to FINALLY ABLE TO IDENTIFY IT FIRST THEN TO RELEASE IT THEN AND ONLY THEN WORK ON RESIDUAL EFFECTS OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE ISSUES! 

Now Dear Cathy...Do you get it?