Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

No, I'm never comfortable around her. I think my anger comes from her continuously playing the victim. She has done this from as far back as I can remember. I remember when we were kids my father constantly saying to us, "Look what you're doing to your mother!" Like she was this fragile piece of glass we all had to tiptoe around. When it came out about my abuse she was the victim...I was shoved aside. And my anger is mostly because of that and the fact that she didn't protect me. And that she blamed me. And that to this day she has no thought whatsoever about how it has affected my life. When she took that overdose and looked up at me like she was the little girl and I was the one supposed to comfort her, I guess it was just one too many times I was expected to be strong and cater to her hurts and I just lost it. I do feel sorry for her. it must be terrible for a wife and mother to have your husband do what my father did. But she had no concern for me whatsoever when it happened, and doesn't to this day. It's all about her. When I'm around her I immediately go into a "shoulder to cry on" mode, where I have to be the strong one, someone for her to lean on...it's expected and I've done it for years. But every time I do it I get angry all over again.

I have recently started trying to let her know what my life has been like. And without mentioning the abuse from my father, I let her know her how the abuse I've suffered in my life has affected me. She probably thinks I'm talking about abusive relationships I've been in but she must know my father is included in that and is the primary offender. One way or another she's going to know the hell my life has been. I won't let her off the hook there. I'm glad I make her uncomfortable.

By the time I was 14, I had been molested by eleven different men.It started at the age of eight.The last one actually took my virginity.He was my my Aunts husband.This resulted in my being sent to Lester Roloffs home for girls.My Dad and his Dad thought that I brought it on myself.So therefore I needed to be put away.I thought that I had forgiven each one of those that has hurt me,but I am starting to think that I don`t really know how to.I have a terrible temper.I am a perfectionist.I have very low self esteem.I can`t stay in a relationship.In fact I am in my fifth marriage.And I want out of my current one.I have trouble trusting people,so therefore; I do not have any friends.I really want to find the ability to forgive and move on.I am ready to start enjoying life.

my story.  my father was a criminal.  we moved over 38 times and I attended over 15 different schools.  my mother was and is in denial.  I grew up a welfare case.  My sisters and I were sexually abused for 12 years and when I "told" on my dad he left immediatly and my mother divorced him.  For a very long time I believed it was my fault.  My sisters and I discovered out about becoming young women on our own and would walk down to the gas station to buy our supplies.  Our mother was distant in a world of hurt she thought she was keeping to herself.

My brothers didn't experience the same abuse as the girls but were traumitized by his verbal and physical abuse.  My dad stood at 6 ft 10 inches tall and weighed nearly 400 pds.

Junior and Senior Highschool were a blur and boyfriends were an object to be pleased.  I lied.  I made up stories.  I got involved with a basketball referee for the highschool.  I truly believed that I was pregnant and told close friends.  I even told a teacher that I was going to run away.  He told the school counselor and when I found out I wasnt pregnant I told everyone that I was going to have an abortion.  I had to tell lies to cover up lies.  I broke up with my highschool sweetheart and he could never understand why.

I moved away from home shortly after highschool graduation and went through numerous jobs trying to find myself.  Guys would come and go - one night stands.  I still believed that was how life was supposed to be.  I found that taking care of children as a babysitter, and then as a nanny

helped me take care of the little girl inside that was hurting so bad.  I went through several familes -  always clashing  with the parents finding conflict with our relationships.  I finally went through some counseling but it didn't really help.  I moved across the United States away from the areas that constantly reminded me of past memories.

I stayed as a nanny with the new family for nearly 4 years.  That was the longest I have ever stayed with anyone and in one city and in the same home for my entire life.  I left because I just wanted to have a family of my own, a partner to share my life with and to get back into the relegion that I left behind.  I wanted God in my life.

I went through a deep depression.  I missed the family so much and being back home meant dealing with my own family issues.  Huge fights and emotions came up.

I got married a few years later to a young man that appeared out of nowhere.  I had told God that I was not going to continue looking for a husband and that if he ever wanted me to get married and have children that he would just have to send the husband to me.  I was cautious because of failure of past relationships but I took a giant leap of faith and got married.  We had a lot in common including same relegion, desire to have children and we were really communicating.  I told him about my past and after mulling it over he decided he still would like to marry me.

I've had my ups and downs.  I don't think that I will fully get over everything that has happened.  I know that if you let it control your thoughts it will get to you.  I use family and friends as a crutch.

I got into some hobbies - photography, scrapbooking new memories.  Stamping and stenciling.

Oh and excersise is a huge help.  I look back and realize some of the help that I recieved from school teachers, counselors, church teachers, family and the experiences I had while being a nanny.  I may not have had controll over my life back then.  But I have the ability to choose and pick how I live my life now.

There are still the days that I just have to cry and feel at the bottomless pit that abuse puts you in.

But then I have to look forward to the days that I feel so content and safe and happy.

If it weren't for the people in my life I would have self destructed long long ago.

Just don't give up and let yourself trust a little more and more each doy - and oh, don't let yourself stay in old habits and routines that  put you in a position to be abused.

 My marriage isnt perfect, its brought new challenges - my kids arent perfect and I am far from being the perfect parent.  I still have to deal with my dad.  He wants to be part of our life and acts hurt because we just cannot accept his appology and treat him like a father.  The abuse has affected every aspect of my life and it is so so hard to keep going.  I guess that's why I tell my story - I am not alone - you are not alone. 

I was molested for six years by my cousin who lived with us. From age three to nine when he finally moved out. I have never told anyone in my family. And I don't know that I ever will. I too have had intimacy problems. I am overweight, seem to fall for the wrong guys, or guys who know the victim role and are still playing it. I have to watch how I argue, because I do fight unfair, and make myself the victim.

I haven't been in one succesful relationship in my life. Most of my relationships have been with women. And they have been meaningless. The one time I found myself able to be with a man (and subsequently lose my virginity to him... earlier this month no less) the experience was unfulfilling because I couldn't open up and just let go and allow myself to be with this man, who I love. This incident was one of the main reasons he and I couldn't make us work out.

I am 25, and I know I have a long time to find someone, but I've been shut up inside of myself for so long. I'm tired of being hurt. I recently wrote a letter to the man who hurt me, and I told him he was forgiven. And he's fogiven because that is freedom for me. And I told him I was no longer afraid of him and he no longer had any power over me. I sent it out in the mail, and I felt some release of pressure and some relief, but not enough.

I still live a life in fear, yet I want to open up and let someone in. It seems everytime I do, he's no good for me or I sabotage it somehow.

I've had no therapy, but I did read Dr. Phil's book Self Matters, which helped me a lot as I did the exercises. However, I feel like I need to go back and start all over again, as situations have changed since then. And I have new priorities as well as new goals and new problems.

The silver lining for me is that I know I am who I am today because of all that I have endured, even the abuse. And despite my problems, I would not trade my life for anyone's. I love myself- flaws and all. :)

Blessing to all my Brothers and Sisters out there!!

LD

I just wanted to pass along my thanks for everyone being so courageous to speak up with their stories. For years, I hid mine. Molested by my dad twice and my brother numerous times from age 10 to 13. It devestated me and I hid it for years. My brother apologized and I forgave him, although forgiveness for my dad has come with its difficulty. But to me, the most freeing thing was speaking up about it, so it was no longer a "dirty, little secret of my past". And to hear other people's stories and what they've done to move forward has brought me more peace then anything because I no longer feel alone. Be strong everyone and remember, you have friends here - you are not alone. Its a long journey but we will get there -to happiness and peace.

I also have suffered through abuse and the failed relationships and low self esteem and everything else you've explained. For help, I did do Self Matters as well. While I learned alot and would like to go back and do it again for the same reasons as you would, I also found his book Life Strategies to be very beneficial to myself for loving myself. It gave me an action plan for any goals I had in life, and I used what I learned in it to love myself more as well. And Love Smart is really good for helping you realize what you really want and deserve in a man too and to not settle for any less. Give them a read - I learned from them and I hope you will too. I'm much furhter along in my healing now then I was a year ago and I credit a good portion of my success to my dedication to what I've learned in the books I've read.

Take care. God Bless. And never forget  - you are worth it and you are special.

Hi Linda,

I understand what your are saying. Your mother's uncomfort is your "payback."  Your mother sounds like her development was stunted. She never fully matured to a functioning adult. I think that is a common factor in dysfunctional families. My mother has similar characteristics

 you described. The need to be coddled, child like.

All relationship are give and take. This process of give and take is called the norm of reciprocity. I still can not speak with my mother about the past without her lying. That makes me feel worse than if I don't communicate with her so I stay away. 

You have a different approach, perhaps.... healther. If your looking for closure. I think you will be disappointed but if you just want to keep her a little uncomfortable...my hat is off to you.

Take care