Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Dr. Phil,  

              When I was about eight years old my father was drinking one day (I think) and decided that it would be really cool if the whole family took their clothes off and we tried out being a nudist family for awhile.  I was a shy child to begin with, not the type to run around the house naked.  My mother made me go along with it because she was afraid he would beat up on her if she didn't.  I remember crying and begging her not to make me do it.  But she did.  It was incredibly traumatic for me to have to sit nude next to my nude father, me on one side of him with his arm around me, and my nude mother holding my nude baby sister on the other side of him.  I sat there in almost a state of shock trying to cover myself with my hands .   It disgusts me to know that my first experience seeing the male body was seeing my own father's.   

          My mother and sister cannot comprehend what this incident has done to me mentally.  They seem to think that because he never actually touched my body in a sexual way, that it's really no big deal, get over it, I wasn't actually abused.   But they don't understand that though I wasn't physically raped, I was mentally raped.  I was humiliated beyond belief.   I learned not to trust people.  A parent is supposed to protect their children with their very lives- not be the one they can't trust and are afraid of.  Who can you trust if you can't trust your own parents? 

          I've also been affected in other ways.  At the time this happened, my dad was taking us to church regularly, where he was well respected.  No one knew what was going on in our household.  I believe that this hurt me religiously and spiritually.  It's taken me a lot of years to be able to find my own belief system.   

         Since becoming a mother myself ten years ago,  I have also become angry with my mother.  I think she should have fought for me more, and refused what my father asked, rather than thinking only of herself.  Twice she left my father after he beat on her , took us and drove eight hours to my grandmother's house, yet she wouldn't tell him no for me, wouldn't leave for me.  I would do anything necessary to keep my daughter from being humiliated and hurt, so I can't comprehend her attitude about it.  

          My father was abusive in other ways throughout my childhood- he was also physically, mentally, and verbally abusive.  I have spent years trying to analyze myself and get beyond my childhood, I've tried to focus on the good aspects, the good friends I had back then, the happy times we had together.  I try to spend as little time around my dad as I can.  And I find it hard to forgive someone who doesn't even believe he has anything to be forgiven of.  I want to though, for myself, not for him.  I hope though, that someday he will have to stand before God and explain himself, and I hope God will put him in my place for a moment and make him feel what I went through that day and thereafter.     

                                                                                                                                                    J.M. 

I won't bother getting into what happened to me because I'll just get too upset anyway. I don't remember just about anything before the age of 11, but what I do remember is vile. I'll leave it at that.  I have post traumatic stress, severe anxiety, and dissociative identity disorder. I've been in therapy for years. It actually took several years for the DID/MPD to be diagnosed, and another couple of years for me to accept that diagnosis. I had no idea before then.   

I can't go anywhere or do normal things. I'm jealous of people who take for granted their freedom to go places without fear. I can't have anyone behind me. I always have to be able to see an exit, and that exit has better not be blocked or else I feel trapped.  I can't stand to be touched, so I avoid doctors unless I am deathly ill. I've needed certain medical tests for a long time, and I shudder to think about them, let alone actually get them done. Certain sights, smells and sounds are triggering also. The only way to avoid freaking out (having flashbacks and/or abreactions) in public, is to just not go anywhere if I can help it. Earplugs are my best friend.  

 I can't tell anyone what I am dealing with because nobody understands.  I can count on one hand the number of people who know about my diagnosis, and that includes my shrinks, my doctor, my boss, and my son. Nobody else knows what a freak I really am.  

Hi there everybody, 

I am a South African and I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my stepmother when I was a child.  I was also sexually abused by three of her brothers (between age 7 - 11).  Whilst stil a child I supressed all the feelings and never spoke about the abuse.  I only once tried to tell my stepmother about the sexual abuse and she gave me a terrible beating and told everybody that I was a whore and started sleeping around when I was 7!  Thereafter I never approached anybody for help.  When I got married and had my first child I suffered from depression and the Dr thought that it was "post partem" depression (baby blues).  I fell pregnant again soon after my daughter was born, resulting in the age difference between my two daughters being only 11 months.  Thereafter the depression really set in!  At one stage, after hitting my youngest daugther, I realised that something was amiss and that I did not want to hurt my children.  I once again went to see a doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants for "post partem" depression.  A week after my 30th birthday I had a nervous breakdown and my GP admitting me to a mental clinic for a period of three weeks.  There I received treatment for post traumatic stress disorder due to the childhood abuse.   

After leaving the clinic, I divorced my abusive husband.  Thereafter I married a wonderful man and we are still happily married.  During 2000, after a very scary nervous breakdown, my husband suggested that I see his psychologist.  I was very skeptical as the previous treatments did not help at all, if anything they worsened the problem.   

Well, was I in for a suprise.  At the first consultation, after listening to my story the psychologist asked me whether I could forgive my abusers.  I looked at her as if she was crazy and told her that nothing in the world would or could make me forgive them!  She calmly looked at me and said the following:  "Well Jeanette, in that case you have just wasted an hour of my time.  If you are not willing to even think about forgiveness then I can't help you.  I am not willing to treat you any further."  I was stunned!!!!  I got up to leave, turned around and said:  "Please help me to be able to forgive them."  I have not looked back since.   No more nightmares, no more fears, no more being scared of the dark.  For the first time in many, many years I could go to sleep with all the lights turned off - total darkness. 

My psychologist taught me that if God was willing to sacrifice his only SON so that I could be forgiven for all my sins and trespasses, who am I to not forgive people who sin against me.  I have since become an active Christian and when the next crisis in my life hit, I could handle it.   

18 months ago my two daughters told me that my mother's ex-husband (her second husband) had sexually abused them when they were 7 and 8 years old respectively.  I could calmly listen to them, assure them that it was not their fault, they did nothing wrong and that he was a mentally sick man.  Most importantly, I could stand by them and I could make rational decisions.  I ensured that they were seen by my psychologist for treatment, told my mother what her ex-husband had done, informed their father (from whom I am divorced) of the situation and did everything in my power to help them cope with what had happed to them.  I also taught them to forgive.  We decided not to go to the police as it is very difficult in South Africa to prove sexual abuse cases in our criminal courts.  It is the child's word against that of the abuser and the matter is heard in open court (open to public). Only about 25% of child abuse cases ever reach trial stage and even then the abusers are mostly found not-guilty.  So, I taught them forgiveness and I must say that I have two well-adjusted teenage daughters, who are the joy and delight of my life.   

So to anyone who still has trouble with childhood abuse demons:  FORGIVENESS, FORGIVENESS, FORGIVENESS. Once you have made the decision to forgive your abuser, speak it out loud.  You don't have to go to the abuser (go somewhere peaceful where you're on your own) - you can just say it out loud and when you pray tell God and Jesus that you have forgiven the person and ask God and Jesus to do the same.  You'll find that you feel as if all the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders and then you can truly get on with your life. 

I truly hope that my story will assist some of you in coping with childhood abuse.