Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I was abused from the age of 6 until I finally told at 14. My stepfather was sentenced to 9 months in jail and was out in 3 !!! So I feel I was once again victimized by the system this time !!! My Stepfather now lives in another province and could still be hurting kids to this day. I was not his first victim and I am surly not the last. That is a thought I can hardly bare. I am haunted with nightmares and flashbacks. It has been 15 years and I don't think I will ever be "Over" it , as I have been told in the past.  

I often wonder if I would have a better self image if this hadn't happened to me, I have suffered from Anorexia, Bulimic episodes and suicidal thoughts. I also went through a very aggressive sexual promiscuity rate for many years. I have always hated my body and therefore myself. Will it ever end? !!! I think it will only end when I see him dead and 6 feet under.  

This man destroyed who I could have been, but I will strive to be so much more to spite him. I now write poetry about those years which has helped a great deal. They are dark, painful poems but they are what I lived and so have many others. 

I got lucky my monster pleaded guilty saving me the pain of court, but he kicked sand in the wounds by sending my mother letters saying... " Other men in treatment had done worse. It was all because of his medication. (He was on meds for M.S.) It had happened to him, so he had no control of it. and my personal favorite, I had made him do it.... I asked for it !!!!" Yeah somehow a child that couldn't even describe what was being done asked for it !!! Ohhh and I guess that means I better start doing the same to someone else as well !! I think not. Also I have checked and there are no side effects listed on the meds he was on that say "May cause the need to cause or inflict sexual abuse on a minor" And as far as others have done worse in his treatment, is there a contest for this? Is it a sliding scale like 2 points for sodomy, 3 for rape etc. ? !!! What is worse is that he actually believes this garbage and somehow still fooled the justice system into thinking he was rehabilitated !!!  

I may never get over this but perhaps someday the good ol' Dr. Phil can help me find a touch of peace.  

     i am 23 and have 3 children all under the age of five. my greatest fear is that i could hurt my children. my mother was physically and verbally abusive. i have forgiven her but i'm still angry that the few people i had the courage to tell did nothing. i am in counseling and i'm on meds for depression and panic attacks. the people who tell you to just get over it obviously have no idea what it's like to be afraid 24/7 your entire life. it leaves alot of scars and they never fully heal. for all of you out there who do understand you are in my prayers. 

Please know that you can confront your abuser, but do it for the right reasons. Let them know how it affected you and that you are still hurting from it. Write things down so you get everything said. If you are doing it for validation, you probably won't get it. I am sorry to say that, but most of them will deny it ever happened, or just put it on you. 

So please be prepared, I don't want to sound pessimistic, I just want you to know that it is not a good idea to do it for validation. It is a shame that the abusers do go on with their life while we still struggle tremendously. I believe that what goes around comes around.  

My mother was one of the ones that sexually molested me and she had a near death experience years and years ago. It wasn't the bright lights and the warm feelings though. She is afraid to die, because she believes that she will go to hell, me too! I can only hope! 

A lot of therapists recommend confronting your abusers, but for the right reasons. To clear your head and get out all your feelings about it. You will have to get your validation from other places most likely. There are times that it works out that way, but it is best to be prepared, for the worst. 

I know what you mean about wanting to be validated, I am still looking for that myself, maybe it is in us, I am not sure. I wish you the best of luck. 

Hi,   

It makes me sad to read that there are so many people who have to suffer lifelong emotional problems because of "bullies".  I'm glad that you have forgiven  your mother.  What is preventing you from forgiving the other persons?  They were not your abusers, although knowing of the abuse and doing nothing is also a bad thing.  Try to take little steps every day towards forgiving them.  If it will help, keep a logbook wherein you write ONE reason every day why you SHOULD forgive them and by the end of a week, you'll have seven reasons.  Jesus said that we should forgive our tresspassers 7 x 70 times DAILY.  If you can manage just one person a week, within a couple of weeks you would have forgiven them all and it might help you learn to accept and live with your childhood abuse.  ALWAYS REMEMBER:  You are now an adult and NOBODY can hurt you again.  It is within your power to say no to abusive persons and situations you might find yourself in.  You (and GOD) are in control of your life now, so take that first step.  I will pray for you and ask God to assist you in your efforts to becoming a mentally healthy person and to be able to forgive the persons who did nothing to help you when you told them about your abuse. 

I  am 39 and was abused at age 11 and possibe raped by my cousin. I know that guilt and shame. Especially for you where it was an adult. someone suppose to of protected you. Its hard to forget even though its been all those years. my doctor said that its like two guys go to war. one comes out fine the other has Post tramatic Stress  Disorder. Some come out of child abuse fine and others like yourself and me dont. Keep reacting to what happened.  

I too hate mayself and wish i were dead at times. But it wouldnt accomplish anything Just make what he did more terrible. I think of a Scripture that says "And God will wipe away every tear from your eyes and death will be no more,neither pain nor sorrow the former things have past away"Rev 21:4.  

Thought you might like that. I think of no more pain or sorrow. Cause i cry when i think ofit. And somethngs only a higher power can take care of in the future.  

Hope that helped. keep in touch  

blaze  

thank you for your imput. You are probably right. I have just touched the tip of the ice berg with my child abuse issues. so am still waddling in the water. I will do no good. But atleast from my one brother who remembers it. i know it wasnt all in my head. My parents would flip if they knew i talked to my brother about this. They like to keep the house clean by sweeping everything under the rug.  

I dont believe in hell. But i believe that its the grave. And that eventually everyone has there judgement in front of God. Good or bad. We all have to answer for things we did. Some worse then others.  

Thanks again for your imput much appreciated.  

Blaze  

I have just touched the tip of the iceberg with my child abuse. I too put it on the back burrner so to say for years. until i got married and it makes me feel dirty and like a prostiute. even though i have a wonderful husband. He robbed me of my virginity and dignity,. Now i have self hate and flash backs at times in bed. its like a bad movie running over and over again in my mind.  

Each day is either good or bad for me. More depressed. But it does help with everyones enouraging words on how they dealt with this helps alot.  

blaze