Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Dear catskat3, 

You are not hopeless and crazy.  But those are definitely familiar words running through the mind of a survivor.  You have been married 26 years (me - 20).  That has been a big accomplishment!  It could be worse.  Tell you what - we'll think of each other whenever we go to the "helpless & crazy" conversation in our heads and know we're not alone.  No we are not hopeless and crazy.  Baby steps and centering prayer.  Someone mentioned meditation.  I'm about to start meditating again so that i can stop being sick. 

Let's support each other and keep focus on how well we've survived; the triggers for the "hopeless & crazy" self-talk.  Some days will feel that way - just let it be, acknowledge it and be happy to be alive in the moment at least.  i will if you will! 

Many blessings, 

Karen 

i was sexually abused from 7-9 by a former brother -in law . i had and some times still have a lot of anger becauseof the abuse. i am hopeful though ,because of my faith ,and the fact that i have aspiritual direction in my life. 

There are MANY organizations that can help you contribute... 

Here is one:  http://www.rainn.org/ 

Q 

I was a victim of abuse although not as a child. 

I understand living in your "own world" -- I often prefer that too.  I've always been quiet. 

I live by your same rule... never hurt anyone on purpose. 

But I must respectfully disagree with you on one point... no one cares. 

I care.   I know alot of other people who care too.   

But I understand where you're coming from... Q 

I am still in therapy and I have a trust issue.   

I have two kids by my boyfriend but i don't completely trust him>  

Most times family shuns the child that speaks out. This 

is because they can't IGNORE it any longer. It is right there 

everytime they see you because you broke the silence. 

You have done NOTHING wrong whatsoever! 

You know how you can be molested or raped and then you 

would sit at the breakfast table the next morning like nothing 

ever happened? That is what they want to continue doing. 

Great for you that you have broken the silence, you don't want to 

be in that sickness, you want the fantasy of the family you have 

in your sweet head. If you really look at it, I mean really look at it,  

that is what it is SICKNESS, you really don't want that do you? 

Help yourself through reading and therapy. Dr. Phil has said 

that you cannot heal on your own from abuse as a child, you 

need a professional to help you see things in a more positive 

and productive way. Build your self esteem and LOVE YOU! 

Good luck and you are not alone!! One good book I read was 

The Courage To Heal, it is a good book, but can be very tough 

to get through. Don't push yourself into doing more than you can  

handle, trust your instincts, they are mostly right. YOu don't have  

to read from the beginning either.   

When i was 5 years old, i was playing on my front yard with my 4 year old brother while my parents were in the house, when my 2 cousins who lived up the street, came over to us and wanted to play.  They took us into the U-Haul parked in front of our house where my parents already had packed lots of boxes for our move.  the older cousin walked right behind me with his arms on my shoulders and immediately took me against the wall right inside the door having me stand right in front of him with my back to him.  he waited until my other cousin followed with my brother and walked past us stopping infront of us with carboard boxes stacked in between. All i remember is my older cousin pushed his body right up against my behind and he reached down and started rubbing my private parts through my jeans. it lasted for about 30 seconds until my other cousin turned towards us, noticed what he was doing, and yelled at him to stop.  My older cousin stopped and then the next thing i knew, we were outside, leaving my brother and i wondering what just happened.    

The sad part is, i didnt get my first memory of this until i was about 13 years old.  i wondered why i kept having this same memory all the time coming back to me.  i was old enough then to realize that what my cousin did wasnt right. ya see i didnt and couldnt have nknown what happened while i was 5 years old.  my parents were very protective of my brother and i.  but they never would have expected i would become a victim of molestation from my cousin.    

I havent told anyone this all these years.  My mother even had my older cousin come to my wedding reception. i couldnt tell her not to invite my cousin and my aunt and uncle because then i would have to tell her what happened.  What i don't get is, the other cousin who told him to stop, i have seen him many times, he is now 46 yrs old and he has never said anything to me about it. he acts like nothing happend. maybe he figured i was too young to remember.  my brother was on the other side of the boxes and was too short to see what was going on over the boxes.    

i dont know who to tell. i dread going to family functions and always have for the past 30 years.  thats all i think about.  its killing me inside because i want to tell my family.  but i know my mother would probably ask me am i sure it happend cause i was only 5.  i remember the details like it was yesterday.  i know it would tare my family apart.  am i crazy or was that sexual molestation?  is it cause to bring up to my family and how do i do it? do i ask the cousin who got my other cousin to stop about what happened? do i tell my brother first?   

i'm am lost as to what to do.  does anyone have any suggestions. because this has really changed my life.  i'm sick to death that my cousin got away with it.  all my relationshps have failed, i cant trust anybody and i also blame my parents for not protecting me more for this to happen.    

worried, stressed and depressed