Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Greetings to all!  I have logged in and read all these posts. My heart was prompted to write. First of all may God bless each of you in your journey!  The absolute only way to get over is to get thru first!  Burying any abuse issue will only resurface later. It has to. We are created that way. We are not meant to function under such physical stress. I will try to tell my own story of healing and victory!  There is absolute victory! And yes you can forget!  After, the pain has been removed and it can be!!!! I am living proof. I was molested at the age of 5 by my mothers landlord,  a deacon in his church. His wife was in on it as well! that is she knew because on one ocassion she was present. My biological father had just left my mohter and we moved into this apartment. My mother thought these sweet old people, like 80 ish, were helping her. Whenever my mother needed to run to the store they would voulnteer to sit with me and my brother. Most of the time my mother took my sister and brother cause they were younger. However this went on for as long as we lived in this house. When we moved I told no one. Actually didnt tell anyone for years. I believe I was eleven. later found out I tried to talk but evidently no one was listening. 

     This whole ordeal impacted my life in every way. First the innocence of sexualtiy is robbed. Then the self esteem issue is beyond words. Mine was so low and the way I played it out? I was very outgoing and always seeking the approval of people. Popular in high school, and appeared to have it all together, yet I was literally dying inside. Met my husband , thought he was the answer. Wanted to get away from my home as I also had a stepfather, whom I didnt like, plus dealing with the insecurity, so got married at 17.  Did that fix anything? Oh my,  mess got worse!  I tried to fill my life with things and peolple.  Husband was in vietnam, I became permiscuous. I now know that just goes with the territory of coping! In 1974 I could not deal with anymore failure and self worth issues and tried to take my own life!  I was locked up for two weeks and though to my family it appeared horrible, I was so glad I was there and not outside! In this place I felt protected. No one could hurt me or use me any longer!  This place was the beginning of where God gave me back my life. You absolutely must get help to walk you thru the steps of healing! Looking back? I am so thankful that i was able to talk about it all that night in 1974, with a doctor I will never forget! He held me and I cried for nearly three hours. this was the beginning of the healing journey. Though my marriage got better and I had two beautiful kids, my heart was still empty. In 1984, I became a christian, then began to allow my inner man to be changed. I mwas now able to move forward becasue somone told me I had purpose! I was created for a specific purpose!  All the gifts I knew I had now made sense in how to use them for service to mankind. Yes I forgave those sweet old people, I had to forgive my mother, because she didnt know and couldnt rescue me, I forgave my dad, God rest his soul. I walked thru the hurt as it surfaced and was able to move forward!!!! Today when Is share my story with people, I trully feel I am speaking of someone I use to know a long time ago!!! I am 53 and loving my life! I am a strong advocate against child abuse issues. Very verbal and atcive in that area. have been a successful business manager. Very active in ministry and love helping others see they have a purpose. That is what healing trully is!!!! 

    The impact of this issue will trully impact everyone involved in your life, either internally or externally. The perception I had was not at all the truth!  "Now" I am enjoying life  the way God Intended for us to. Life is soooooo awesome when one has their spirit healed. You see, its in the soul of a child, where the real damage takes place, in sexual abuse. the robbery of who he or she is, takes place. When the soul is restored there is true restoration!  I can talk and share without pain at all and its been like that for years! tests come but none will overtake you! 

  

I couldn't help but wonder if your healing came from a spiritual experience as mine did. I am 55 years old and found complete victory over my demons of the past through the Lord. Now, some years later I oversee a Christian support group for women who still struggle. i also have an excellent book, I'd like to recommend if anyone is interested. The healing journey has not been in vain!  

   

God Bless!  

I CAN SAY IN A WAY THAT I  UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH I TOO GO THROUGH THE SAME THING OF RE LIVING THE PAST AND IT HURTS. MY MOTHER WAS A SINGLE PARENT AND SHE HAS THIRTEEN CHILDREN OF WHICH ME AND MY BROTHER ARE THE ONLY TWO WHO LIVE IN NEW YORKL THE OTHERS LIVE MAINLY DOWN SOUTH.MY MOM WAS A WORK ACHOLI TIL THIS DAY I BELIEVE SHE THINKS WORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FAMILY.I WAS THEN RAISE BY CLOSE FRIENDS OF HERS SINCE  I WAS TWO YEARS OLD. I KNEW MY DAD BUT HE WASN'T APART OF MY LIFE AND HIM AND HIS FAMILY LIVED ON THE SAME BLOCK AS THE LADY WHO WAS TAKING CARE OF ME. I WOULD WITNESS MY MOM ON HER OFF DAYS WHENEVER SHE WOULD GET ONE DRUNK AND SOMETIMES HIGH BUT AT THE TIME I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. . AT THE AGE OF 10 I WAS RAPE AND IT SO HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME EVER SPEAKING OF IT. THE FIRST TIME WAS THE LADY SON WHICH WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER AND THE SECOND TIME WAS BY SOMEONE WHO TIL THIS DAY I DON'T FEEL RIGHT IT'S LIKE EVER TIME I'M AROUND HIM I THINK OF THAT AWFUL  TIME. THE THIRD TIME WAS WITH THE WOMEN GRANDSON ALL THIS BETWEEN THE AGE OF 10AND 12YEARS OLD AND NO ONE EVER KNEW. BUT IT DID'NT STOP THERE  AS I BECAME OLDER I GOT INVOLVE WITH SOME STUIP MEN WHO I'M NOT PROUD OF BUT I GUESS THATS WHATS HAPPEN WHEN YOUR YOUNG WITH NO ONE TO TELL YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG.

Hi allI'm new to these boards but felt I wanted to share my story to see if there is anyone like me outthere. I made it through years and years of abuse with a mom whom turned a blind eye and later blamed me for wanting it myself but... that is all history I let it go and started living my own live with out that being a part of me... but Due to the years of abuse my BRAIN altered (or that is what my docters tell me) and eventho I am no longer a victim I will always have psychoseses and will battle mental illness. So unfair! made it though all that to be alterded for ever, I don't do drugs (unless you count coffee as one of them) and try to walk the thin line between caring for my family and living in my own personal hell. Yes I can take medication to not have the voices and other creepies bothering me but that will also kill al my emotions ( I have tried) and looking at my kids and feeling nothing scared me so much I went of the pills. Now I cope any way I can, my husband knows and is a GREAT support, and we have (as strange as it my sound) a good live. He's a very down to earth person that will hold me when my demons come to visit and all. So no I don't have a bad live but (little part of me) why am I still paying, why will I never be truely free ( i know very mature). My dotcter told me "brains don't heal, once destroid is gone for ever" that hurts Anyone out there like me?

I am new here.  I posted, not to share my story, but to ask a question.  How do you keep going, how do you heal, how to you chose to heal, when all you want to do is give up?  I give up.  I've had enough.  I want out.

i  am jaan 

  

i read your message on dr. phils board...i dont have any magical cures...i can tell you from experience that keeping it a secret will kill you. it literally made me sick, i have MS now amongst other stuff and its only  been from speaking out that i am still herre. but i will tell you that i am a loner , animals and i seem to understand each other better than other humans. trust is still a big issue.  

i can only offer advice  like take baby-baby steps...and be proud of yourself for even the smallest accommplishment(even if YOU think its nothing)...and one day at a time. i am in the i am in the midst of taking one of my abusers to court  and That is Hell. but these as*&?*?s have to be held accountable instead of us killing ourselves or just dying off. they STOLE our LIVEs...if someone stole our cars we handle it more seriously....thats all for now ...jaan 

Let's see.... 

Father #1left when I was 3 (I searched for and found him when I was 36).  I guess that I've blamed him for creating the other situations in my life.  I now know that it's not true. 

Father #2 adopted us when I was 5ish.  He was a brute and terrified me.  I was honestly afraid of death by his hands.  We got the belt when we were "bad" or whenever he wanted a confession out of us.  Heck, I took blame for anything just to make him stop hitting me.  He was a big man and it wasn't just a few swats but many (15-20) full strength whips.  Picture a 300 pound man hitting a 6 year old girl like this.    

Sexually molested at ages 6, 9, 10, 12, & 13 (all different men).  Why did they all target me? Was I wearing a sign that said, "I won't tell"?  Of course, I never did. 

Raped at age 19 by off duty cop (I take some reponsibility in this...I was drunk and willingly went alone with him to a closed VFW to shoot pool). 

I bought a house with a man and lived with him for several years.  We were involved but not sexually because he said that he was impotent (ok by me).  His demeaner changed after losing his job and I felt the need to get out.  Three weeks after I left him, he was arrested for raping 3 young boys.  It's been 20 years and I have not been in a relationship since.  What was it that I saw in him that made me choose him in the first place?  

I used to sneak booze by age 9 and drank heavily up until a few years ago. 

  

Heck, (with the abuse and other childhood crap) I deserve to be screwed up!  I was diagnosed 12 years ago as bipolar and lucky that I wasn't worse.  I believe that I formed strong opinions of myself that I must be an evil person for all of these things to happen to me.  At one time, I believed that there was a mistake when I was made in heaven and I had to go back for a "do over".  I took about 75 lithium and drank a large amount of scotch but only threw up and fell asleep. 

  

I've done a lot of theraputic work but know that all of my current opinions are still not pure so I will continue with the work.  I can't help thinking that there's something more (theraputic) than I need but I don't know what I don't know.  I have a great deal of difficulty with getting along with other people (do not play well with others).  I guess that my payoff in being overweight is that I can use my size to further intimidate people (just like Dad #2) and to keep myself out of romantic relationships.  I've never had sex while sober nor been in any sexually heathful relationship.  Big confession:  I have not had an orgasim since age 13 with Uncle Eddy.    I tend to bully and intimidate people.  I've lost jobs over this and was in danger of losing this one also but my boss was gracious and has allowed another chance.  I immediately went and re-took an experiential personal growth course that I had taken several years ago.  So far, that and a medication dose increase, have helped.  My boss and I keep a (pretend) can of "Bitch Be Gone" and make a spraying motion when my behavior starts to turn sour.  I really am working hard at becoming an approachable person and not one that people want to avoid.  This first, and then on to the romance stuff. 

  

Parents (and all adults), remember that every single thing, good or bad, that you do to your child will make an impact.on your child.  It is a huge responsibility of yours to help your children to form positive self image and and allow them to feel that they can talk to their parents about any issues without fear of being punished for it.  Otherwise, forget saving for the college fund and start investing in their therapy fund because they're going to need it. 

  

I just started using the message board.  I used the one on sex.....Haven't had sex in 7 yrs.  Some of my story is there.  My father died when I was 5. My mother said the only reason I was here was because he raped her.  After Dad died, it was "open season" on me for my older brother.  10 yrs older than me.  He started right away.  He went to Vietnam and came back to be a biker with clubs in Los Angeles.  I would try to hide from him, but after a while just gave up.  mom knew, but ignored it. (she told me this about 1 month before I had a stroke).  Ignored me.  I was now tainted.  He would cut people's fingers off if they made him mad.  Sometimes put them in jars and take them to the club house.  I got to see all this.  So that I would know what would happen to me. I have all my fingers.  He held a 45ca. to my head once.  He hit me.I joined the Army at 17 to get away from him.  Found out in 1998 that he had been incarcerated for doing the same thing to his own daughter.  He held a knife on her.  They gave him 6 yrs.  He's out now.  He's free.  I am trying so hard to be free, but I don't think I ever will. Looks like I have something called Complex PTSD.  I am having a really hard time.  Can't find support groups in my area.  Can't drive far.  Scared of people.  Flashbacks.  etc  It sucks.  I am not a bad looking woman, but I am terrified when a man looks at me that way.  I have good days and I have bad days.   The last two have been bad.  I need to find someone to talk to , but am unable to.  But I will keep trying.  Because if I curl up in a ball and die (which believe me, sounds very attractive sometimes).......HE WINS.   And I'll be DAMNED if that is gonna happen.  I will just keep looking until I find something.  I don't want to live like this.  As I said in the other messagfe board:  I have spent my whole like Surviving.  Now , it is time for me to LIVE.  I just have a "long and hard row to hoe".  But I'll NEVER give up.   

I really wish that PIG would rot in hell forever.  He's probably out there doing it to someone else's child right now.  Man. 

All I have to say about that is, BullSh*T.  Our bodies are amazing things.  These docs are still learning.  There are many ways that the body and mind can regenerate.  And compensate.  And ....well.......it might make a slight detour, but If you really want to manage and maybe defeat this thing, you gotta want to .  THe thing that keeps me going is that I amgoing to get my life back.  I have no support.  I am agouraphobic.  But I still keep looking for help.  And I will continue to until I find what I need.  I will not let that SOB win.  I will live and I will live well.  It will take a lot of work, patience and alot of other things that I don't even know, yet.  But I am gonna do it.  And you can too!!!! 

And don't listen (or feed into) to that crap about the brain.  You just don't know how powerful your brain is, that's all. 

I have faith in ya. 

I'm rootin for ya in Tennessee. 

God Bless 

I don't know how to go on.  The memories of my childhood are almost too vivid to bear.  Abuse of neglect, emotional blackmail and torture, sexual abuse, physical abuse.

It feels as if no one cares.  When I was little (I'm 50 now) not one single person ever stopped to help.  My legs and feet are permanently malformed, and I have life threatening health problems that are directly related to everything I endured during childhood.

The ironic thing is if I were a child today, someone would help.  The laws are such that an E.R. doctor or nurse, teacher or minister would speak up to help a child going through what I did when I was little.

People say that I should stop focusing on my past.  I don't.  I wish I could control my dreams, or the flash backs that hit me without warning.  I'll be at the store and see or hear something sort'a kind'a familiar, and suddenly I'm 6 years old again.  I can't drive past my childhood neighborhood without coming totally unglued.  The sadness, pain and other unspeakable feelings are so overwhelming that I find myself fighting back tears.  Sometimes the pain that comes with remembering is so intense I wish I were dead.

My mom never addressed my allergies and sensitivities when I was growing up.  She simply pretended they didn't exist.  I was constantly told the symptoms and reactions I endured were "MY FAULT".  I was labeled a hysteric and a hypochondriac.  I was force fed ever growing amounts of various tranqs.  I grew up basically alternating between feeling abject terror and being numbed out on my mom's medications.  I have no clue how I managed to survive.

When I became so ill I didn't know how to function, my mom took me to E.R.  Interestingly, she noticed my blue lips and irregular heartbeat ... but didn't tell the doctors.  She told them I was a hysteric, and they believed my mom.  Everyone believed my mom ... she was more a force of nature than a regular human being.  Dynamic, educated, celebrated, respected and loved ... who wouldn't believe her.

I don't understand what type of a mother would make her child physically ill.  She fed me foods which made me ill.  When I got sick she took me to the doctor and complained she couldn't keep me from eating the stuff.  She took me to play with children sick with the mumps, measles and chicken pox so my brother and I could be sick together.  She made a great show of taking elaborate care of me when I was ill ... and people told her what a saint she was.  People told me how lucky I was to have a mother loved me enough to take such good care of me.

The only thing is, when I really needed care, and had high fevers ... she didn't take me for treatment.  I lost the hearing in my left ear after enduring a 110 fever.  I can't even list all the horrible things I endured, in the name of care ... or the physical damage done to my body as a result.

I'm still paying the price.  Once you're labeled mentally ill, people tend to discount just about any physical symptom as being part of a mental illness.  It took gallbladder surgery, and the intense physical reactions (labile blood pressure, extreme changes in heart beat, etc.) I had to anesthesia for the doctors to realize these symptoms were not "all in my head".

The thing that's really tearing me apart is the fact that now everything is in the open, and I'm not considered "mentally ill" and have real diagnosed physical illnesses ... I still can't seem to get treatment.  The constellation of illnesses and symptoms are either too rare and/or too complex.  Also, they're now considered chronic ... translation: LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT.  It doesn't help to have been told these things will eventually kill me.

I live my life inside a box, looking out at the real world.  I can't eat process foods, can't tolerate fragrances and have had severe reactions to a great many standard medications, including antibiotics.  If I ingest anything containing soy, gluten, casein or lactose I become wildly ill.  Which means I can't eat out, can't fix a microwave meal, and in general can't go were most people go to socialize.  I basically have little or no life.

I can't help wondering what my life could have been, had my mother listened to my doctor ... and stopped feeding me bread and milk.  A great many children with Celiac disease eventually grow out of it.  I know my legs would be straight and I wouldn't have had so many broken bones.

I can't help wondering what my life could have been had I not been raped, or forced to endure decades of emotional abuse ... let alone the years I was sexually molested.  I'm still living this nightmare.

It seems like I've always been fighting for my life.  I could really use a couple of good years before I die.  I don't want to die this way, an inch at a time.  I'm only fifty and I feel as if my life is over, and I have nothing left to live for.