Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FIXED!  The belief that you're broken is a lie that others have led you to believe.   You were wounded and need to heal.   Please, please get help so you do not feel this way anymore.  Talk therapy is essential along with your medication.   

I have no idea why people want to hurt innocent young children.  I'm not even sure if they know of the lifetime impact that they have on these children.  I believe that these children form lifelong beliefs of themselves and of others that may stem from just one event, let alone several. 

The anger that you hold is only hurting yourself.  Those molesters do not feel one iota of your disgust, shame and anger.  Be pissed all you want, you're still the only one that feels it.  This is the part that I hated doing and that you'll need help with:  you need to forgive.  Wait, stop:  forgiveness is not letting them off the hook.  It's the letting go of the energy that has been created within you for the purpose of taking your pain away.  I once (actually several times) did a visualization where basically, I brought up all the feelings of shame and anger and brought it to my figertips that were holding (visualized) buckets.  I let those feelings drip into the buckets and handed it back to my molesters and said, "Here, this belongs to you.  This does not belong to me.  Hand it back to whoever you need to." 

I'm very lucky that I was able to take a weekend personal growth class that is experiential based.  For instance, when anger comes up, we beat on something to get it out so we don't take it out on others.  This is all done in a very loving environment and they do many different exercises.  The best part is that altho I took the course in 1993, I still go back and assist new students who go through the class.  It's like a life-time mental health club that I get for my original investment.  And yes, even after 13 years, I still feel some of the old beliefs occasionally creeping back in.  The difference now is that I can control them instead of them controlling me. 

After the break up with my now ex-two nights ago I  feel so relieved. I believe and think I did right. I don't feel the baggage anymmore. I feel sad for how it ended and loosing him because I trully love him.  I feel like a condor who  just opened it's wings after a hard fall.  

My boyfriend broke up with me two noghts ago for our seventh month anniversary of living together yet I feel good. I do feel horrible for loosing him but I feel good because I don't have him to control my every breath, my every step and everythin i can and cannot see. Don't get me wrong he is the sweetest man I have ever meet. He never put a hand on me or never threatened me in any way. He was so hurt in his lat realtionship of two years ago that made him a really jealous person or as i say a very insecure person. He controlled whom I can and cannot be friends with. I had to stop talking to my family, y friends, my therapist, had to leave my cell phone. I jut had to give up everything because with anything he would accuse me of cheating and being arrogant and manipulative and not- educated. Also he told me that I didn't know what I want in life. That is not true.  

I know exactly where I come from and where I stand and where I want to go. I want to go back to college study a career, buy a house all on my own, get my drivers license, get my citizenship and travel to Europe. Does that sound like someone that doesn't know what she wants? I don't think so.  

My past, well lets say the truth. I come from a domestic violence home where both parents where very abusive. My dad the child molestor who got away with it and my mom always blaming me and telling everyone she meets that I am crazy. I was dishoned from my sibblings, my home and thier love. graduated bith Jr High and High school and got myself in college for 3 years. I confronted my biological father for raping me 15 years of my life. Which he got away with it. I put myself in conseling have fought many years of depression.  

How does he dare to say that. In that part I have some anger. I left everything for him a great military job just for him and he blames me and says I am the proplem. I am not the one that rmembers the person that hurt me and compare them. He did to me. I love him but he does not see that. He anly sees what he wants to see. Alot of these problems I blame his famele friend whom always had her nose where it didn't belong but he defended her. So i told him to go to her and stay with her. I am so full of anger but I am hopeful that now I can do the things I wanted to do and accomplish all my dreams which I couldn't do beacuse of my parents and a little with my ex. I think I did right. I really do. It is not all my fault and I believe that I am not the problem like his friend told him that I am. I am better on my own. Thanks. 

Love 

Janeth 

Good for you!  

I think it is hard to remember sometimes that WE are the 

only ones that can make us happy and give us the things 

we need and want in life. 

I know it is hard to let go, but such a relief also, I am getting 

to that point myself. It is scary, but sometimes you need to 

do what you have to do. 

You do realize that just because he didn't hit you, he still 

ABUSED YOU! He may have been the same way with the 

other one in his life, it is a cycle. I just had to say GOOD JOB 

to you and I hope the best for you and that you get all the 

things you are dreaming of, YOU DESERVE IT!! 

You are also an inspriation to us all here, so thank you! 

It is nice to see you! That weekend therapy sounds great and 

very helpful. I think for most is it very scary to face all this 

garbage we carry around. As kids we couldn't face it and 

now as adults we ca, but it is still very scary to have to face 

it. 

Dr. Phil said in one of his shows about incest that a lot of abused 

children don't grow up having empathy. I think it is true, some 

just don't and the reason they hurt others is because they are only 

thinking of themselves at the time. There are some that are super 

sensitive to others feelings and won't abuse! 

Dr. Phil has also said that you can not heal alnoe from abuse, you 

need professional help. I do know people that never had counseling 

and seem to be ok, but I really question that myself. I have had many 

years of therapy, some good, some not so great. I have made progress 

and can see that now. WE, along with everyone else are constantly 

growing and needing to make changes in our lives. 

I like what you have to say, I hope you stick around. Sometimes not  

much happens on this board and there are times when there are 

lots of posts. It is always good to have all points of view! 

I know this sounds like something out of Humpty Dumpty where he is put back together again.... Truth is, that could happen to all of us of childhood abuse, sexual child abuse, or any other type of abuse.  Standing strong in the person, or as Dr. Phil will refer to as the core being that God created, is all just a moment of time away.  Reaching for the truth beckoning the past to come clean with us as victims is a bit more intense than just finding the core.  One has to walk down each road that the core was unable to. In so saying, we became less of the core that God created and became the real troupers.  The real back bone to the life of the one in question.  Us, you, and me!    Meaning, we all gotta go back there,.....there to the pain, the hurt, the disgust, the humiliation.  Life has some really strange turns to it  huh?  Fact is as for myself, I've been there done that and felt<------- really good about my trials and tribulations.  Got over them, past them and then some.  Now that the rest of my 8 brothers and sisters are dealing with the same hurtful truth, I'm back to square one!  Square one for me is going back to the place I've already been and then trying to help my family get through it too!!  Not a nice place to be put in.....exhausting even!!!  My dilemma is simply this....As stated, I've been there and done that with  physiological help for four years,  My family and I do mean all of my family, thought I was the worst person, and trouble maker ever!!!!  Who the He(( did I think I was to bring my family into such an ugly, horrible place?  "oh just me" was my reply .  I didn't want to involve everyone else, but did need conformation from time to time and only from a few grown-up (older) adults.  That was  a major backfire!  Long story short here.  I'm in a place in my life where I'm OK with the idea of being a happy person.  All the sudden I'm reliving my brothers and sisters pain that are younger than me. Truly by their rendition of how they took their own personal abuse and pain.   I cannot emphasis enough what i mean by their pain and my being able to feel it. I'm looking at this situation as...OK, I'm good now folks....you are not....sorry and good luck!  Leave me the heck out of it!!  Deal with your pain and don't even try to bring me down during  or any time in my life while I'm doing well and moving on with life.   Don't bring me down folks!  Just don't!!!....oh shoot, here comes guilt!!! Look out!!!!,  the mess has hit the fan and I'm in the line of fire here!!!!  Darn it all.....I tried so hard to keep from being in this place and danged if that isn't exactly where I've ended up!  Any of this sounding familuar folks? 

 I have to say something for all of those who are in the same place as me..........be cautious!!  be aware of where you might get slung or thrown, or trashed.......no kidding!  Protect yourselves and be happy with where you are and are going.  Do not loose site of your direction for your life!  Pray a lot for your family, as I did knowing this day had the potential of showing its face.  As for protection from the enemy.  What ever enemy that might be according  to your life's experience.  I think all in all, I'm tired......just really tired.  The pain, the hurt, the emotional, and physical of it all.  Don't think  I kid myself about the reality here.  I know that I'll always nurture my inner child.  I know that I'll always have a child to bring to the surfface and say "I love you and care about you and I sooooo appreciate your courage when I had none of my own".  But now I am an adult and I can take care of me without your help.  God is good to see me through this with your help and without your help. Let me be the strong one now and you rest for a while".    Humpty has been glued up!   

god bless you all who hurt and are angry.  God bless those of us who are ok regardless of anyone else's oppinion!    We are strong folks and we are survivors!   I'm just sounding off.  Thanks to all who have a clue, and God bless those that don't...or just can't....or just won't!  You are loved! 

So, I just recently got together with family that I haven't seen in about 8 years. My step-mother and sister were there. My step-mother is the reason contact has been almost non-existent since it was her father that molested. 

She is the one that decided I was a liar and thus caused my father to believe the same thing. My siblings don't know about what happened to me and they have suffered that lack of contact.  

When I saw them at the get together my emotions were mixed. On one hand I was glad to see my step-mother and sister, on the other I was scared of what my step-mother would say. Of course she was upset that I had not contacted them in so long, but I was upset because she has never made an attempt at a relationship so why is it my fault. 

I don't know, I am so confused, angry, frusterated, just everything all rolled up into one. 

Not only was I molested, but when I was 12 she and my father decided it was time for me to be tossed out with the trash into group homes. That is another story. 

My siblings are close, however I am not that close with either of them. It is not their fault that their parents loved them more than me. 

I wish I had the relationship that they do and feel like it is all my fault for not keeping in contact with them. UGGGHH, I know that this is all over the place and I apologize, but I just needed to vent. 

I could not sleep again tonight, so I decided to look for comfort here myself.  When I read your message, I pulled back from the screen several times.  It was almost like I was reading my own thoughts.  I felt chills all over me, because I believe that I was meant to read your letter.  I hear your confusion.  I read your pain, and I cried.  My heart hurts for the both of us. I appreciate your letter.  I know that there are people out there that feel this way, but some times I need to hear it.   Why do we feel alone?  Is it because no one cares, or because we don't see them trying to care?  Sometimes I think I push people away, so that I can't be hurt, and so that I can't hurt them.  I don't trust people either.   I know, that is some of the problem, but how do you trust people again?  How do you let people in, after a life of nothing but pain and suffering.  Every time I think that I can handle a relationship with someone, family, friend, or love, something goes wrong.  I some how push people away, not trying to, but it always happens.  I want to have people around me that can help, but some how I lose them.  Sometimes I think that my pain just sucks the life out of people.  It's not that I always tell them my problems, but I think that they feel it and see the pain on my face.  Do you have children?  I have two little girls, and I cry in guilt.  I was abused my entire childhood, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I lost it.  I knew that my child would have a wreck of a mother, and I couldn't believe that I would subject a child to this world.  I couldn't believe that I was having a child that might have to go through the same abuse.  I panicked, and swore that I would never let that happen, and that I would be the best mom I could be for her.  Then I was dumb enough to believe her father loved me, so I married him.  He said he would take care of us.  He said a lot of things, but I don't know why I believed him.  He was never good to me.  We had another girl, and then I really lost it.  Now I have to protect two girls, and I can't even protect myself.  Now divorced, still fighting to have a family with their dad, and not sure why.  I could throw myself the biggest pity party, but I know people have it so much worse than I do.  I just don't know what to do either.  I just want to disappear, and at the same time, I love my girls so much, because I know that they need me to protect them, but I am tired.  I hurt so much.  What do you do?  How do people hold on?  How do I protect them from my pain, and still protect them from harm?  I know, I'm selfish, I talked about myself the entire time.  When you said that you went to a place to feel better, where did you go?  No pressure, but tell me about yourself, if you want to.  I need to practice the listen thing, and not doing the talking thing.  Anyway, even if we never speak, know that we are not truly alone, and that there are people out there that are going through the same thing.  You did that for me, and I thank you.  Take care of yourself.  You do deserve to be happy.  I hope that you find peace.  

This is the first time I've ever been on anything like this let aknown spoke to a professional.  I'm English and self-help/counselling is still seen as a a sign of weakness in the UK.  Its still not the done thing to discuss problems with anyone else especially strangers..... But I've just turned 26 and realised that its time to take control of my  life and confront issues I've been  hiding from for most of my life.  Don't get me wrong I've tried telling people about the abuse but although my friends have all been very sympatetic at the time not a single one has ever mentioned it again.  It seems like people think that because the actual abuse is over, all the pain and memories disapper too.  I get angry at myself for still letting it effect my life and not getting over it by now. 

I get even angrier at myself for still having occasional contact with my abuser (my grandfather) over the phone.  I used to do it to smooth things over with my family and keep everyone happy especially my grandmother who has always been in denial but is old and needs her family.  Sometimes I hate myself for still speaking to him.  Other times it makes me feel for just a little bit that my family is normal.  Then it feels like my world is caving in again.   

but most of the time I don't feel anything.  I sometimes think that i wasn't born with any emotions.  I strugggle to get excited or despair about anything.  Sometimes it still feels like my life isn't real, when that happens i have a drink.  I want to sort this out. A lot of you seem to be a lot further down that road.  Any offers of advice would be appreciated.