Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

OK,  survivors, you know who you are....  

29 years ago he raped me for the first time. I was only just five and had no idea what he was doing.   I tried to tell mom but she flipped and so i said i was wrong..... I didnt mean it....The abuse continued untill i was 12.  Then at 13 years old, I tried to tell dear ol' mom again what her son did to me, and what she said to me still rings in my ears. She said
"You are a slut, and a whore, and YOU LIKED IT"  

I am now a taxpaying,  productive member of society. I am a mom, a wife, a student, a friend, a sister, caregiver, shoulder to cry on, supportive listener. I donate to charity. I pray for others. I donate clothes to children. Do volunteer programs at the Church.  Serve Dinner at the homeless shelter. And none of it matters one damn bit.  

Everything I do to make myself feel like maybe im not a worthless piece of crap is useless. I am so far down that no matter WHAT I DO- i wont even make it back up to zero.  

I am almost 35 years old.  

All I hear in my head to this very day is;  

"Youre a slut, and a whore, and you like it."  

I feel like my soul is way down deep, drowning, sonewhere and no-one can hear me, no-one can see me.  

Im just slowly fading away.  

( yet the loser who did this to me is Deputy Mayor of his town, where all his citizens think hes so fabulous.)  

I could just puke.  

THATS how childhood abuse still effects me.  

My husband was sexually abused by his mother for years. He had blocked it out for 30ty years and has since attended sex abuse groups, counseling and found out later by sharing some of his story, others talked about him outside the group.  Now he will not talk about it to anybody.  He has anger, rage ontop of severe depression. Lately he doesnt even want to pray and our relationship is worse than ever. Anyone understand what I am talking about?    

I am sorry for all you have endured... 

I am a survivor of childhood abuse, as an adult right before the  statue of limitations ended for me, I was able to take one of my abusers to court. He pleaded guilty and got ten years...9 years suspended and served one year and got out early for good behavior and then drove by my house and waved to let me know he was out.  

The effects of the abuse were many and four years ago I started a journey to healing...  

It has been very helpful and still on it.  

The key to healing...  

The truth is the road to healing...  

I am learning who I am...  

Putting the blame where it belongs...  

Understanding that I am worthy and am somebody...  

Living my life today by making choices that are positive and enrich my life....  

Healing means facing the truth of what happened and giving myself freedom from what others did to me.  

Facing my struggles and issues and looking for the resources to help myself....  

Understanding that nobody can help me unless I am willing to help myself....  

Wanting to heal is a big one, we hurt and are so afraid to face it that we walk life in pain but when we decide to face our truth, it is amazing what we find out...  

Healing means that I cannot blame everything that is wrong in my life on my past...I am an adult now and need to take responsibility for who I am, I need to make changes, I need to be a survivor and not a victim.  

I have a lot of work ahead of me but feel encouraged that I made the choice to begin the process of healing because if not still today I would be in the same pain, misery and my abusers smiles somewhere as they have moved on in life and it doesn't matter to them. Why should they be happy and me be miserable?  

Taking care of myself has made me a much healthier person, my struggles are many but feel hope that it does get even better then it is because I have stood up for myself and am caring for myself as a person and not a nobody...I am somebody and so are you...all of you that are out there that have been abused....  

I encourage people to start the journey of healing....  

There are resources everywhere, depends on what you need most, but you know that.  

Al I needed is to want to do it and a good Psychologist that could walk me through it and so I continue....  

Hang in there...been there and am there....there is hope even at our darkest moments.  

Breaking the silence will give you life again...  

Take care and know that there is hope....  

I look through these messages and I see victims.I also see the abuser, because I am one.For years when I hit puberty I constantly exposed myself to my younger sisters and on one occasion there was some contact.My youngest sister has broken off all contact with me (and I dont' blame her).Iknow I was sexually molested by an older sister around 6-7yrs.old and I was proably molested at a younger age by my uncle.He was a full-blown pedafile and we later found out he had molested just about everybody including his daughters,my father(at a young age),children in his church -and my older sisters.I cannot absolve myself for my actions but I did stop the abuse on my part later but not after screwing up my relationship with my sisters.Now,my wife and daughter want me to join the church(my wife knows about some of my history).I cannot stand going to church  because I feel so two-faced.My only mission in life now is to earn a living and prevent my kids from going through what I went through.  

Hi, 

What you describe is the cycle of abuse, you get abused and then you turn into an abuser.  

It took courage for you to post here and speakas an abuser, it is rare. Most abusers blame the victim and do not take responsibility for their actions. 

Yes, damage has been done to you and your sisters, it is all very sad. I want you to know that there is hope for you and your sisters. 

I am glad you stopped abusing your sister and healing is needed for both. 

I encourage you to start on the road to healing, it is hard work but in the end you will be able to make changes in your life that will lead to  healing all the damage done to you and your sister. 

I am a survivor and I will never forget but starting a journey to healing has made a difference in my life. 

It is ok to go to church...church has played a big factor in my healing. Jesus died on the cross for our sins. 

Here is my story, I hope that you can see that there is hope. You have taken a huge step just by putting it in words and the next step is beginnig the road to healing. Life can be different and when you heal you can also work on the relationship with your sister if she is open to it, a sincere letter taking responsibility for your actions frees her from any guilt she might carry as responsible for it happening. 

I did not abuse anybody but know of many that have and very few step up, I wrote my story to encourage victims..take from it and begin. 

I am a survivor of childhood abuse, as an adult right before the  statue of limitations ended for me, I was able to take one of my abusers to court. He pleaded guilty and got ten years...9 years suspended and served one year and got out early for good behavior and then drove by my house and waved to let me know he was out.  

The effects of the abuse were many and four years ago I started a journey to healing...  

It has been very helpful and still on it.  

The key to healing...  

The truth is the road to healing...  

I am learning who I am...  

Putting the blame where it belongs...  

Understanding that I am worthy and am somebody...  

Living my life today by making choices that are positive and enrich my life....  

Healing means facing the truth of what happened and giving myself freedom from what others did to me.  

Facing my struggles and issues and looking for the resources to help myself....  

Understanding that nobody can help me unless I am willing to help myself....  

Wanting to heal is a big one, we hurt and are so afraid to face it that we walk life in pain but when we decide to face our truth, it is amazing what we find out...  

Healing means that I cannot blame everything that is wrong in my life on my past...I am an adult now and need to take responsibility for who I am, I need to make changes, I need to be a survivor and not a victim.  

I have a lot of work ahead of me but feel encouraged that I made the choice to begin the process of healing because if not still today I would be in the same pain, misery and my abusers smiles somewhere as they have moved on in life and it doesn't matter to them. Why should they be happy and me be miserable?  

Taking care of myself has made me a much healthier person, my struggles are many but feel hope that it does get even better then it is because I have stood up for myself and am caring for myself as a person and not a nobody...I am somebody and so are you...all of you that are out there that have been abused....  

I encourage people to start the journey of healing....  

There are resources everywhere, depends on what you need most, but you know that.  

Al I needed is to want to do it and a good Psychologist that could walk me through it and so I continue....  

Hang in there...been there and am there....there is hope even at our darkest moments.  

Breaking the silence will give you life again...  

Take care and know that there is hope....  

The associtated baggage you talk about is hardly any different in my family. I did not mean to break the silence to your family, I meant as in get help and find healing by breaking the silence in a setting with someone that can help you through the things you are dealing with. 

I deal with depression and it does it at you and gives you a false view on life, it brings out the negative because of how we feel aobut ourselves in the first place. 

There are medicaitons that can help with the depression which I am sure you know, but if taken properly and giving them the chance to work while seeking some sort of therpay to face the issues that are clearly affecting your life could be helpful. 

You wont know unless you try, you say you are not in any danger and yes, maybe not today but sometimes we carry things inside for so long that one day it happens that it all turns hopeless forever and then that danger arrives full force, today you feel and one day if you do not make a decision to reach out and seek help you might possibly find yourself doing then feeling. 

That would affect your family forever, it would be sad and they willcarry it with them and blame themselves, statistics say it as it is. 

Past is not past...it doesn't go away...past you will carry forever but it is finding healing in yourself that helps you live a life and focus on today, your family lose out on things because you have not healed from the past, it affects them whether you see it or not. it affects all of you. 

I encourage you to take a step towards seeking help and starting the road to healing, there is another side tothe life you live. 

Take care and God Bless! 

     Whenever I think I do not have to take my medications anymore I will read these negative comments I wrote. I remember writing on the message boards and truly believing my moods were good. There is an anomaly in my attitude for sure.  I know life is hard but it is even harder when I do not take the medicine. 

     I am trying my best to get back on board ship, even when I go overboard. Listening to Oprah and Dr. Phil has helped me tremendously in everyday situations, so whenever I see negative comments that I wrote, I know for sure I have to keep taking medicine to keep myself thinking more positively.