Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

"Of all the words

That have ever been penned

The saddest are these:

It might have been."

I am no Pollyanna and I am the last to say "you've got to let it go." You can't "let go" of something that has been scietifically verified to change your actual genetic expression and is literally wired into you at a biological level. And I won't go into the details of my thirteen years of torture (literal) and assaulkt except to say that in my thirty-five years in the mental health system I was known for expressing my rage and horror by doing things like setting myself on fir with propane and stabbing myself in the eye (for starters).

I am fifty and have finally found the right proffessional to work with-three and four times a week for several years now. I have formed an attachment for the first time-terror in itself-and I will not pretend I am not in hell. Chronic pain and grief I cannot see around to the next minute sometimes, much less another day.

But I have found purpose, working as an Advocate for the mentally ill in poiltics, journalism, counseling,in unplugging a toilet at the facility where I work if that's what needs doing. You can have moments of joy again. You can see a young father treating his little girl lovingly on the bus without being totally devestated for days.You can find meaning in music, you can master being distracted enough to go to school or learn some mew skills. Easy? Never. Ever  like "normal"? Probably not.

I am not wealthy. In fact, I live at the "poverty level".I afford therapy by going without many, many things. I go to a lot of food banks. My proffessional fights for extra sessions from Vicyim Witness, and when all else fails, will see me pro-bono for extra sessions if needed and can't be afforded. I am not jus LUCKY to have found him. I heard this man speak in 1995 and was determined that if ever I could do therapy it woukdbe with him, and waited and searched many years for the chance. He is not perfect of course but in his gentle way and in the ways that matter has necer failed me. Promises nothing, but delivers everything. Everything I need.

The truth is sometimes I am still often desperately suicidal. I can't even say I'm always hopeful. I have trouble determining what should be accepted and what should be fought against at all costs. But I won't go down. I won't. Because then the predators win.

We need to abort this cycle of ungidly abuse with our generation. Goid bless all of you and your children and "good luck" and good work.

Mael Dinnell-Duin

"disturber"

dinnellmael@yahoo.com

Dr. Phil,

I have thought and tried to e-mail you but I could not connect with all that has been going on.  9/2001 I had a hysterectomy due to uterine cancer, then radiation; lived in a house share (not my house) during all of it & radiation.  The woman was mentally/emotionally abusive.  Don't know how I got thru it.  Then Jan. 2002, she evicted me and I moved.  Lost my job.  Then my son died (Mike age 36) 4/7/2002.  I went through HELL.  I have moved again last Oct. 2005 into this apartment in the country (Bally, PA) and now I wish I did not live here.  But financially I can't move anywhere and I have 3 cats (that is another issue here).  I am on SS, received 2004 that was exhausting (mental disability from the cancer and all that has happened after).  I have been in therapy since 1990 with Theron. I divorced my childrens father 1995.  I moved out in 1993.  He was abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally and sexually.  I am seeing another therapist a woman since 1/2005.  Did not know or realize the intensity of all, just knew I had to get out to survive emotionally and get my self back and de-programed or re-programed to believe in myself.  My father was abusive in all ways too and I still am experiencing men like him, he even beat me the day I told him I had married Jack (then boyfriend and now childrens father).  I now realize Jack manipulated me to marry him so he did not get drafted- 1964.  I was 19 and nieve???????  Dr. Jeykel/Mr. Hyde!  I am angry that I have gone through so much with very, very little support, even from my children (ages 41, Mike would have been 40, 39 and 35.  My girls.  My son was divorced Oct. 2001.  I am stuck!  difficult to write.  At the funeral I was in a state of a zombie - here in body only.  My ex is remarried and dose not acknowlege me at all, never did.  As you have said "argueing/yelling in front of children changes them forever"  Hope I got that right.  Because I am still a scared child inside and the triggers are awful.  Just recently I was at a BBQ at my oldests daughter, Brenda she said "family" was coming, which meant her father and his wife.  I detest both.  I went and did my best but will not go to another "family" function again. 

Then on top of that the place where I live has a man I thought I could be social with and 2 others.  Well he has had it in for me since the day I moved here and it is so petty.  He said he asked me if I feed wild cats? He says I said no.  I really do not remember as the move was so overwhelming for me and exhausting.  I have been feeding cats that people have abandoned when they moved out of the trailers, which have now been demolished.  I found homes for them through the cat angle network and had one spayed.  But this man, Paul, is verbally abusive, accusatory, harassing me and Yesterday I called the State Police (I had done the same thing on my father when I was 15 because he just beat me).  A trooper came and I told him of the 3 foot x 3 foot board Paul nailed to the tree in the front yard with:  "The poor homeless kitty's need a home.  they will scratch the paint off your car, piss in your hallway.  Have sex outside your apartment at ungoddly hours, and ruin your gardens!  Please help out the Ruth-A-Doodle-do Foundation.  Let's screw over a whole new generation of responsible people!  Lets go with the moto, "just shoosh them away", or love them like your own.  Call Ruth, she needs people to talk to!  The trailer's are gone, so thou shall not covet thy neighbors cat.  Buy a dog, at least they listen!  Hey Ruth, leave a doodle-do. 

He and the other 2 men were drinking but Paul is, i know and alcoholic, he is in his fourties and has a mental behavior of a child.  He is so controlling, the other 2 men won't stand up for me as I think Paul has this grip on people.  My ex did too.  Manipulating, controlling, de-grading others - me.  Narcistic personallity, condescending, etc.

I had had it and he yells out my name and I get scared - will he ever stop?  am I going to have to find some other place to move again?  I am just trying to have a peaceful place to live with the 3 cats, one I had and the 2 I rescued.  The trooper talked to Paul and said Paul would not bother me any more and no more signs.

It still feels un-nerving.  I don't have many friends.  My girls have no clue what I have gone through or my living circumstances.  The place is somewhat run down so the rent is cheap?  The landlord is not one who is concerned about issues but have not told him as yet, but will when I send the rent check.  I am not perfect and know I contributed to the problem, but Paul just would not let the cat issue go.  and a previous time he took some of my things and put them around front of the house i asked him to put them back and he wouldn't, then I tried to talk to him but he was just talking and would not even listen, then it got to where he said " you couldn't even stop you son from being killed/dieing' and ' you don't even know where your uterus is".  I did give him a note on his door that that was the lowest he could go and avoided him since until the note on the board.

Well if you can get anything out of this as I am always $ scared trying to make it.  I just feel worn out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  I get my meds from the pharmaceautical companies so it is free, but it is really a hassle along with this new Medicare Prescription plan.  I have just been so overwhelmed with doing all this.  I have Dr. Lawles's Relaxation series and the Sleep Series,  usually just hearing his soft voice makes me feel a bit safer.  I just wish I knew what I was getting myself into when I was born! a teen! married! divorced! gave up my house! everything! places I have lived, low rentals.  All most gave up on myself!  But I had a good therapist, Theron, Psychologist and good Psychiatrist who I still see.  All has been very painful - mentally, emotionally and the cancer.  I just seem to go into negative living environments!  I hate it!  (I have this whole "Paul" story in more detail.)

Well I am learning not to expect too much, even trying to get my girls to come to a therapy session is overwhelmeing, yet it would be beneficial for them to come.  Need some help there too. 

Its that time of year again and do not want to do the holidays!  I don't like to be aroung a lot of people-it is over stimulating.  The grief is almost to much and need time alone.

I forgot to even say how old I am.  It is not that I am getting older it is all the triggers/memories of the past traumatic experiences that suck.  I try to hide my hury when in front of my children and grandchildren.  I have been hurt so deeply these past 5 years.  And then living where I am today, I have been blamed for the time I overdosed by my oldest daughter who I depended on to help me with what I couldn't do during the cancer - her negative attitude just added to what I was already trying to deal with.  I never thought I would be that alone in my life and struggle so hard when exhausted and push myself when I really shouldn't but had no choice.  Doctors rule.  My son'd funeral ruled.  I just wanted to go away somewhere but my last vacation was week of Labor Day, 9/2001. I rented a cottage in Stone Harbor, NJ but it was not a relaxing time with knowing what I was coming home to - surgery 9/10.  Little did I know but I was also traumatized by watching the 'towers' on TV.  A rude nurse came in my room and turned on the TV-my mind was filled with anesthesia.  Then a woman from some church came in but I was not the one she was looking for so she left.  Sorry I wasn't the one she was suppose to give spiritual support too!  My son never even came to visit, he was angry at me and I don't blame him but I always had told my kids, 'if you have a problem with me, tell me".  We did resolve it before he died, but I still felt so guilty.  I apologized by phone; I would have like to done it face to face, it just did not work out.  I only saw him once before he died, a few weeks earlier.  The night of the phone call (by the way that was the 3rd time I got one of those dreaded phone calls when I was alone) I just -------------------- screamed.  I wanted to go to my daughters but she didn't want me to drive, but I needed someone!!!!!!!!!

I know what it feels like to be empty inside and no supportive family, or friends.  Only my therapist.

No one came to visit me.  I only got sympathy cards and was angry that if I get another one ----------.  Couldn't someone tell me something other than more death related stuff?  Give me something to help me feel better?   Was God the only one to lean on?  Some hugs and tears would have helped but there were none.  I could not stop the pain.  It was like being in a big black hole wondering if I would ever get out.

I would watch your show, Dr. Phil.  At least I had someone 'there'.  Even some of the shows would be hard to watch.  I could relate to ignored, abused children and it hurt.  Or the husbands having affairs, only mine could never acknowledge what he did.  He never even hugged my son or shook his hand!  And I am suppose to go to 'family' functions when he and his verbally abusive wife are there?  I did it long enough after the divorce and I am not doing it again!  Two times going back into the house where I raised my children is enough - 2 funerals, a son-in-law in 1997.  I am tired of looking like I don't hurt and am strong- I am strong but I am tired of pretending I am not affected by being in their presence.  My ex has the house so of course my children will go there for whatever occasion, weather it is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter or even going somewhere all together.  Guess I am getting used to it tho.  I have learned how to spend those lost family times with me.

I am seeing less and less of my grandchildren too.  I don't feel it is a good environment for them to be here, not with the alcoholics in back.  And they don't have the time since they are so involved in sports and their own families. 

I do have 2 sisters - one near by but unhealthy for me to see and one in Wisconsin who I have not heard from in about 3 years.  I do not know where she is or if she is even alive. 

I thought family and friends were to pull together in times of need, but I guess that is not the norm in this crazy world. 

Three girls my parents had and all of us have had the hardest growing up without a mother and father - they were there in body only.  Then when my father died in 1978, I was 34 and my mother had to live with me, why me? until she died of cancer in 1982.  Was that HELL number 1 or just a repeat of my childhood?  Too much on my plate.  Plus my own children and their interests - sports, horses, and Mike's dirt bike.  Weekends - horseshows, horseshows, horseshows - I am tired!  I wanted to quit, but no one would listen to my needs or desires.  Just blame Ruth.  Blame Mom.

I was abused by my father - the last time he beat me was when he found out I was secretly married, I was 19 too, that was the last time.  Left the house and moved w/my then husband.  I am divorced now.  Yes my husband did a lot of what my father did, emotionally/verbally/sexually. 

I still meet men, only I am never getting into a male/female relationship again, that are abusive.  There is one here where I rent an apartment.  Got socially but he had it in for me since I moved here last year.  It got verbally bad, I called the State Police, the trooper talked to him to stop as I could not make him stop - familiar experience.  I talked to my therapist and felt a lot better.  Am not going to let him intimidate me to move.  I have had enough moving.  I am energy depleted.  My Minimal Effective Response is to not associate or be around him.  I choose not to be around my ex-husband too.  My father has been dead for 18 years and I am still affected by his behavior.  I have realized I get sucked into the 'good' part and then he turns 'bad'. 

None of what happened to you was your fault - not mine either just hard for me to believe it since so many people accussed me and critisized me.  Just keep believing that it is not you fault and hope you seek some professional help. 

wynn2006

Hope you can get rid of the labels.  I did a collage using letters cut out of magazines, I put all the 'labels' on and even repeated them until I did not want to do it anymore.  Showed it to my therapist, no one seemed to understand what I was trying to say, so that was the best I could do. 

PTSD?  and depression - those are the major one's, grief fits in there too, all the rest are -to me-just psychiatric terms and not who I really am.  I also listen to Dr. Lawles' relaxation series and Sleep series, all relaxation and getting quality sleep is # 1 on recovery and what I need.

Hope and pray that you can do what works for you.  Sending Love.

wynn2006

Concern for your grandchildren?  Have you tried the Child Protection Services in your area?

Yes my father still controls from the grave, he died 5/1978.  Never did see him dead, took years of therapy to believe inside that he was really dead and did not just leave and is out there somewhere!

I end up meeting men that are as sick as my father.  One recently where I live.  He was harrassing me, accussing and threatening me falsely.  He is also an alcoholic in denial.  I watch Dr. Phil also and his show topics have made me feel angry, scared, and remembering a lot of what I have been through.  I do not try to fix my family, in fact I have a sister locally who is unhealthy for me to be around.  A sister in WI that I have not heard from in 3 yrs.  And I have 3 adult girls and a son who died 4/2002.  My life has been a roller coaster since he died.  I recently have decided not to ever go to 'family' functions when my ex and his wife will be there, it would be like going back into the fire.  That would not be taking care of my internal being and depletes my energy.  I have 8 grandchildren and do not know how I will stay connected with them, they are all so busy with their own families and schedules.  We do have a good relationship tho, which I am glad.  My 2 younger girls and even my son's ex-wife and her new husband get along.  It is my oldest girl that is her fathers daughter and I just do not fit.  I have been divorced since 1995, and I believe my oldest daughter still has resentments pretaining to the divorce.  She still has an attitude with me.  And I am just trying to cope with my own life at this stage and conserve my energy.   I also went through a terrible cancer experience 9/2001 and after.

As far as answers?  Focus on your own personal needs that give you peace, comfort, and pleasure.  Do you do any crafts?

wynn2006

I am a 24 year old woman whose suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother and father. I really didn't have any where to turn to at the time because my mom was in a deep depression and I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Over time, I learned to bury my feelings but to this day, carry a deep resentment and anger primarily towards my father. My brother did come to me one day years afterwards and apologized. He was easy to forgive because he was so remorseful. Today we have a wonderful relationship and are very supportive. Unfortuenately, my father is the type who doesn't believe he's ever done wrong. He emotionally abused me primarily and only touched me twice, relatively minor in comparison to my brother's transgressions. But there are occasions when he still looks at me and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable. It scares me and brings back horrible memories of the past. In the last year or so, I have begun to come to terms with my past, through the books Life Strategies and Self Matters. But forgiveness to my father just will not come. I know I have to forgive him to set myself free but because he behaves as if he's done no wrong, its so hard to forgive him. He simply does not deserve it. Does anyone have any helpful hints as to how they've moved past their anger to find forgiveness?